Broken

Something awesome must be in the works for me shortly because right now everything feels broken. Does that ever happen to you? Does everything ever just stop working all of a sudden? What’s up with that anyway?

In the span of 3 days, a bunch of literal physical things did break: my purse snapped while I was walking in a parking lot, necessitating a trip to the thrift store to buy another (I hate that!), then my phone went caput with some crazy warning screen of death. I replaced it with another phone which also doesn’t work. Then my laptop got stepped on, and I’m attempting to type this post with crazy purple lightning coming down all over the screen. It’s making my neck hurt. I apologize in advance for typos I cannot see. Then the third headphone set we’ve had (the others – you guessed it, broke!) for Rosetta broke. No more Spanish until I replace it. I had just replaced this thing to the tune of $30. Ugh! Then Ruby’s toddler bed broke – for the second time, when a big kid sat on it. Good thing I know a guy. Did I mention that I ran out of gas the other day? For the first time in my life, ever, after 21 years of driving? My gas gauge is broken.

I’m also feeling a little emotionally broken at the moment. I’m feeling like too many people need me right now. It’s difficult for us moms of many to express this, because we feel like if we ever complain that people will blame us for having had so many kids. So we clam up and don’t reach out. I remember Kim Coghlan of Life in a Shoe referring to this phenomenon. The truth is that no matter how many children you have or don’t have, you sometimes feel a little overwhelmed by your responsibilities. For me this happens during pregnancy. I don’t normally feel vulnerable, and I have to remind myself that when I’m not pregnant I typically feel quite on top of my life. But it seems pretty common for women to feel this way when they’re growing a new person, yo. (It’s especially difficult to reconcile these feelings with my own personal ambitions.)

Some things in our homeschool day feel a little broken. I haven’t spoken of this much here but I have one child whose learning style is so different from my own that I struggle to meet his needs. Yet if he were in public school it would be horrible for him. Actually, having typed that I realize I’m probably meeting them quite well. It’s just that there’s always that doubt, that questioning if you’re pushing just enough to challenge the child without losing sight of their individual strengths. This child isn’t lacking in intelligence and he amazes me every day. It’s just that following through on the things I do require of him are wearing me out. He struggles mightily with executive functioning. Oh, wait a second. I need to listen to this interview again and maybe re-read the book too.

Maybe taking the summer off will help with all this. But I find myself already planning our curriculum for next year. Mostly because I know August will be here before I know it, and I’ll have a snugly little newborn and postpartum happy hormones sucking up my brain cells.

I had an honest talk with 3 of the kids today about some changes I needed to see. I reminded them that things were only going to get more challenging for me as the pregnancy progresses, and then when I have a newborn I will need them to be more responsible as the “big kids”. A lot can change in 3 months, so I’m not too worried. Kids have a way of doing what we need them to, just in the nick of time.

So that’s my week in a nutshell. How has your week been?