Ennui
September 2, 2010 | 1 Comment
ennui
[ahn-wee]
— n
a feeling of listlessness and general dissatisfaction resulting from lack of activity or excitement.
I am so bored.
Maybe even a teensy bit depressed.
But not sad really, just …
blah.
I have no motivation. I want to do things (rearrange furniture, get ready for a huge yard sale, plan some field trips, sell a bunch of stuff on eBay and Craigslist, blog every single day, work on my websites, get together with some new homeschool moms I met, etc) but I can’t seem to strum up the oomph to actually DO any of it.
I’m so boring right now. I can’t stand myself.
I’m not sleeping too much or too little or eating too much or too little. I just feel this vague ennui.
Do you ever feel like that?
What do you do about it?
It may be a kind of postpartum letdown, I suppose. There’s all this excitement and stuff to DO around having a baby.
Then, everything is kind of the same for awhile.
I was really good at slowing down postpartum this time. Unlike my other births, I really forced myself to sit down and rest. I let things go. I’m glad of that, because I don’t feel exhausted now. I took care of myself.
But now, I spend a lot of time sitting. And nursing. And sitting. And holding a baby.
Which is wonderful. Don’t get me wrong.
It’s just…. sameness.
Sameness in a Lois Lowry kind of way.
So much routine. Doing the same things over and over again.
Ruby smiles at me, and my whole day lights up. It’s wonderful.I love being her mother. And a mom, in general.
But I need something else.
More exercise, probably. I’m trying to do it. It’s not easy when you have a baby who wants to nurse every 30 minutes. I can scarcely manage a shower until big Z comes home.
So that it doesn’t turn into something more serious, I’m trying to take care of myself. I’m taking my fish oil and tyrosine. I’m eating protein and avoiding too many carbs and sugars. It’s just that I feel myself craving caffeine for the antidepressant effects, and I don’t want to get addicted to it again. I’ve been caffeine free for a year now.
I want to work more on my business (including this blog). I know it would make me feel better. But I don’t want to take time away from the baby when she’s awake. And I have a homeschool schedule to keep up. And a husband and house to serve.
I know it’s probably at this point when some women start to feel “crazy” at home. They start thinking about getting an outside job. Not me. I couldn’t leave my kids to do that.
I miss my friends.
It’s hard to have a social life and be the kind of mom I want to be. Things were different before, when my kids went to their Dad’s overnight every other weekend. I got to play, to let my hair down and be me.
Now I have a baby.
And I love it, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t change a thing.
It’s just…..
hard sometimes to meet your need for adult interaction and stimulation and challenge.
When you have a large family, people don’t invite you over.
How can I get together with the mommies-with-new-babies when I have several other children in tow?
I see the moms hanging out, post stroller workout, at Starbucks. A coffee klatch.
How nice.I’m so envious.
But I can’t do that. It’s not my life.
How do mothers of larger broods deal with this challenge?
It’s hard when you have older kids with needs and new babies with needs. All different kinds of needs. And you have needs too.
I know.
It has to fall on me. I have to be the one to reach out, to invite people to my home. That means I have to plan ahead. That seems hard right now. Hard but worth it.
I have to get out and walk for the exercise and sunshine, even if it means letting something else slide. I have to take the kids to the park so I can get out of the house more, even if it means spending a little less time on schoolwork. I have to invite someone over even if the house isn’t perfect and I’m still fat. I have to set some goals and get excited about meeting them.
What do you do when you have a case of the blahs?
More I’ve written on this topic:
4 Ways to Get Out of a Bad Mood
Sadie
September 1, 2010 | 1 Comment
5 years ago today my Sadie was born.
Hers was my easiest birth.
Quick too.
(The midwife almost didn’t make it.)
She is spunk personified.
She has more personality in her pinky finger than most people have in their whole body.
There have been proposals of marriage.
Indeed.
She is inquisitive and curious.
And totally fearless.
She’s always singing.
She composes songs and accompanies herself on the piano or guitar.
(Not many people have a Beatles song with their name in it.)
A shameless flirt.
And not the least bit modest.
(When you got it, flaunt it!)
Her name is Hebrew for “Princess”.
She has stolen my heart utterly.
Colic and the Breastfed Baby
August 31, 2010 | 3 Comments
Here’s another great question from a reader:
What is the best suggestion you have for a colic baby that is breastfed?
Colic usually refers to babies who cry for long periods of time, especially in the evenings, typically starting a few weeks after birth. Some experts say that colic doesn’t exist, and there is a legitimate reason for the crying, that it will resolve when the issue is addressed. Others insist on using colic as a catch-all diagnosis. Either way, a mom would be highly motivated to try to help her baby.
Colicky babies are nearly inconsolable during their crying spells. Although breastfed babies tend to experience colic less than their formula-fed counterparts, it is still very much possible for a breastfed baby to have colic. Even though opinions differ as to what causes colic, there are some things that may be contributing to a breastfed baby’s crying and pain that parents may want to know of.
Colic and The Breastfed Baby
One reason for a breastfed baby’s crying may be that they are not getting the adequate amount of fat during a feeding. Breastfeeding mothers are often taught to breastfeed on each breast during each feeding session. This is done to relieve engorgement of the breasts and stimulate mom’s milk supply. However, what this can also do is prevent the baby from receiving enough of the healthy fats in the breast milk.
During letdown in the beginning of a feeding, the baby receives foremilk, which is a lower-fat consistency of milk (kind of like skim milk). The foremilk quenches the baby’s thirst and immediate hunger.
But as the feeding goes on, fat globules begin to make their way down the ducts toward the nipple. The baby then receives hind milk, which has a higher fat content and can keep the baby feeling fuller longer (like cream). If the mother feeds on one breast at a time during feedings, she is ensuring their baby receives hind milk, which can help reduce colic.
For a newborn or young baby, switching breasts during feedings can be especially problematic because their appetite is smaller. The hind milk tends to come after mom’s milk has letdown more than once.
How can you tell if this might be a problem? Baby has green poops. Green poops can indicate that baby is getting too much foremilk and not enough hind milk.
This was an issue with my oldest child. Since I had never nursed a baby before and was insecure about him getting enough, I switched sides too often. This led to him becoming fussy and having green poops. When I learned to keep him on ONE side for an entire feeding, sometimes even two feedings, the problem went away.
If this is uncomfortable for mom since the other breast remains full, the mother can pump the other side or hand express a small amount to relieve engorgement before the next feeding.
Some mothers may also have a rapid letdown, which can release a lot of milk into the baby’s mouth at once, causing them to cough and spit, struggling to keep up and swallowing a lot of air in the process. Mothers with an overactive letdown can pump out a small amount of milk before putting their baby on the breast, to reduce the rapid amount of milk going into the mouth when the baby first latches on. Nursing while lying down can help, as can sitting baby up (as in a football hold) for feeds. Burping can also help some babies.
Although nursing mothers are not prohibited from eating certain foods in their diet, some mothers may notice that some foods can cause their baby to become gassy. Colic will usually pass on its own but if there is a family history of dairy allergy she could try cutting out dairy. Eating fiber and vegetables like beans, onions or spices do NOT cause colic or gas. This is actually impossible, since it’s undigested carbohydrates that causes gas pain in the Mom, and these cannot pass into breastmilk.
Wearing a baby sling can help comfort a crying baby.
Babies who are “worn” cry less according to research.
It’s important to remember that unlike formula-fed babies who are often fed on a schedule, breastfed babies often have their own schedule. Nursing on demand can help reduce colic, because they will be fed when hungry and not force fed when not hungry.
Iron supplements (like those in prenatal vitamins) can bother some babies. When my second child, who was very calm by nature starting crying, I called my Naturopath who advised that I stop taking my prenatals for this reason. When I did, the crying stopped.
Did your breastfed baby experience colic? How did you help him or her feel better?
More:
These Eyes
August 19, 2010 | 1 Comment
She is still my baby.
She is spunk personified.
She has a dimple in her left cheek.
And two beauty marks.
Just in case you get lost.
Couldn’t you get lost in these eyes?
Big Sister
August 16, 2010 | 3 Comments
Today it’s just me and my girls.
The boys are spending the night with Grandma and little Z is at school.
Ilana Rose is very enamored with her baby sister Ruby Zofia.
Obviously the feeling is mutual.
I love the conversation that is taking place here.
If I hadn’t snapped these pictures, I wouldn’t have seen it.
“Shh, shh, it’s ok baby.”
“I’ll take care of you.”
Sometimes she’s a bit overconfident.
Little Mama.
She thinks she can do what I do.
She makes Big Z a little nervous.
Ruby is trying so hard to tell her big sister something.
Something important.
Maybe a secret.
A secret whispered among sisters.
Can you hear it?
Wordless Wednesday: Ruby Grins
August 5, 2010 | 3 Comments
Quiet Time
July 20, 2010 | 3 Comments
Quiet Time
One of the most helpful routines I’ve added to our day since baby’s arrival is an hour long “Quiet Time”.
Do your kids still nap?
None of mine do (except, of course, the baby). Every Mom grieves the end of naptime!
I needed a guaranteed, solid block of time to rest, to have peace and quiet around the house. Especially with a newborn. (At 2 weeks postpartum, I’m still napping once or twice a day.)
Enter Quiet Time.
The concept is simple:
From 1:00 PM to 2:00 PM, the kids are required to stay in their beds and rest. They may read or sleep if they like, or play quietly with toys. No electronics allowed. And for sibs who share a room, no talking.
Interestingly, the two oldest seem to love quiet time the most, and often stay in their rooms for closer to 2 hours. Little Z, who is 10, uses the time to sleep. So does Sadie, almost 5 – who gave up napping two years ago.
The middles sometimes complain about it (frequent opening of doors, going potty every 20 minutes, asking to watch a movie instead, etc), but they still comply. To help them out, my Mom (while she was here helping out) started giving them a little treat/snack as a reward for staying in their rooms and “doing” quiet time.
I’ve definitely noticed a positive change in the kids – they seem to enjoy having a little break from one another. Of course the rest and quiet are good for their mood. They aren’t as hyper before bedtime either. For me, quiet time is a wonderful example of positive, proactive, gentle discipline. It prevents problems before they start, provides structure, and helps the children be their best.
During the homeschool year, I plan on having the 3 older kids read or journal during quiet time. They may be finishing up their schoolwork at that time, but it will be something “light” and enjoyable.
Do you have quiet time at your house?
photo credit: phil wood photo
Ten Reasons to Have Children
July 20, 2010 | 7 Comments
(This post was inspired by Kim at Life in a Shoe. I like her list but thought of a few reasons of my own so I’m adding them here.)
Top Ten Reasons to Have Children
- Birth. It’s one of the most amazing experiences in life. There’s nothing in the world like it.
- Falling in Love. We usually only get to feel this a few times in our life. That heady rush of emotions, the sleeplessness, the bliss, only existing for each other … you get to feel that every time you bring a new baby into the world.
- The Smell. You might think I’m weird if you don’t have children, but if you do you understand. Birth smells amazing. There’s nothing like it. It’s sweet, salty, earthy, bloody. Not to mention new baby smell.
- Curves. I didn’t get them until after I had kids.
- Growth. Children grow you like nothing else. Even marriage doesn’t challenge you as much as parenting does. It pushes you and pushes you some more until you’re forced to stretch and grow.
- Spirituality. Parenting brings you closer to your Creator. (How else could you fully appreciate what God did in sacrificing his only begotten son, if you don’t have one?)
- Passion. Having children makes a woman care more about the entire world of children. It forces her to think more about the future and the long term consequences of hers (and everyone else’s) actions.
- Sleep. It ain’t all that. Becoming a mother helps you have a healthy attitude towards sleep. Sometimes, there are more important things to do.
- Breastfeeding. It’s totally empowering to be able to provide milk for your baby. Breastfeeding is fun! (See #4)
- Fun. Having kids gives you permission to play, to have fun, to laugh and to remember what’s truly important in life.
(I know, technically I am supposed to stop at 10 for the purposes of Top Ten Tuesday. But how could I stop at only 10?)
- Homeschooling. I realize that not every parent chooses to homeschool, but you have to be a parent in order to do so. Homeschooling is fun! You get to buy cheap school supplies on clearance (because everyone is already back to school), you get to feed your addiction to books, you get to go on field trips as often as you want! And you get to watch your kids learn things they were never “taught”. Too cool.
- Efficiency. Being a mom helps you learn how to do things with one hand (like cook), and in less time. Because you have to be more efficient, you become more efficient.
What would you add to the list?
The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
July 7, 2010 | 5 Comments
July 4 Baby
July 7, 2010 | 18 Comments
It seems pretty likely that I’ll be having a baby today.
3 AM – Contractions about 7-10 minutes apart for a few hours since I went to bed. They’re strong enough to keep me awake. Eventually I just get out of bed and did some laundry.
4 AM – Big Z wakes up. My getting up every 20 minutes to pee had awakened him. I don’t want him getting excited and losing sleep too early, so I tell him the best thing for him to do was to try to go back to sleep.
6 AM - We get up and go for a walk. It was cool out, there was a nice breeze. I have strong contractions and pressure, feeling the baby move lower and lower.
9:30 AM – My ex came by to pick up the kids for a few hours. It felt nice to have some quiet.
Big Z and I go to breakfast together. The place, Flying Biscuit Cafe, was full of people refueling after having run the Peachtree Road Race this morning. I was hoping to be fueling up for the marathon ahead.
11:00 – We decide to run to IKEA to buy a loveseat that was on sale.
1 PM – Back at home, I start timing the contractions. They’re 4-7 minutes apart, but only about a 3 on an intensity scale. They feel like strong menstrual cramps.
2:30 – Contractions coming 3 minutes apart. My mom and big Z are suggesting I call my midwife, but I want to make sure the contractions are regular first.
I put on my labor outfit: a Weezer t-shirt and a short maternity skirt that allows for plenty of movement but just covers my bottom when I drop to the floor during contractions. Zeke and I strip the bed and put the plastic sheet on it and the pillows and remake it. Zeke notices that some of the contractions are only 2 minutes apart.
3:00 – I call my midwife to put her on the alert. At this point I told my husband that it would probably be around 8 o clock when we would see a baby. He starts filling the birth pool with water.
It feels good to drop to the floor in a deep squat, rocking from side to side during contractions. Or I lean over and hold on to a chair to let my belly hang down.
It’s too bright in the room. I’ve never labored in bright light like this. It feels a little strange. I ask my husband to get some dark sheets and tape them over the windows.
Ah. That’s better.
5:10 – I call my midwife and ask her to come. According to my cell phone, the conversation lasted 14 seconds. I said breathlessly “They’re…. 3 …. minutes ….. apart” and that’s it.
Some of the contractions come one on top of the other. I don’t have time to recuperate from one before another comes. No time for conversation.
I hug my husband’s neck and hang from his shoulders during contractions. I can’t stand for anyone to touch my back, when earlier I wanted him or my mom to put pressure on my lower back. I’m vaguely aware that my Dad has arrived on the scene.
I’m beginning to feel like I’m in transition. A few tears come. The contractions are intense and I can’t get on top of them. I feel a little out of control.
I’m afraid of the pain that’s ahead. In my mind I’m wondering why this has to hurt so damn badly?
I tell my mom I’m scared. She reminds me that I’m strong and that I’m halfway there (I was actually way more than halfway!) She convinces me to get in the pool. I’ve been trying to wait until my water breaks, scared to get in too soon lest my contractions slow down, but at this point I would welcome that very thing.
My 7 year old daughter Ilana is lying on the sofa, moaning and complaining that her belly hurts. Later, when I’m pushing, I hear her making loud grunt pushing sounds. I think she’s trying to transfer some of the pain from me onto herself. The moment the baby is born, she makes an instant recovery.
I somehow find a quick second to lean down and kiss her and offer some comfort. Maybe her uterus is hurting like mine.
5:40 – I step in the pool. The water feels good but it doesn’t bring the relief I remember from my other births. Big Z kneels in front of me and I grab his hands and squeeze during contractions.
I am sitting upright. Being on my hands and knees, leaning over the side of the pool, crawling like a crab – none of those things feels good like in my previous births. I can only sit upright and push up on the side of the pool with my arms, like I’m trying to push away from the pain. I worry that I’m not relaxing, but I’m resisting the pain too much. But later I would find that it doesn’t matter. I’m moments away from giving birth.
6:00 – My midwife arrives. She tries to listen to the baby’s heartbeat. I don’t know if she ever did manage to hear it. I kept having contractions and couldn’t keep still. I realize her apprentice has also arrived.
I hear myself calling out to God for help. Zeke hears me and says a prayer with me. A few minutes later my dad comes over and does the same. I kiss my husband. I hear myself telling him, “I love you a lot you know. More than I let on.” More tears. From both of us.
Labor is so weird. You hear yourself saying corny things and making crazy sounds and you have no control over it. It just overcomes you. You’re aware of it remotely, as if you’re hovering above your body watching it. The pain keeps coming, centering you in the experience.
It huuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrts.
I want a nap. I say over and over, “Baby please come. Baby please hurry up. Come on, baby.”
I reach inside and feel something very soft and round. It’s the amniotic sack. I’ve never reached inside to feel for things during a birth before. I don’t know why I did that.
Debbie must notice me doing that. She asks if I feel the bag of waters bulging.
Yes.
A moment later I feel a pop and a surge of water rush out of me.
“My water just broke.”
I feel tremendous pressure in my rectum, like the world’s biggest poop. I’m scared to start pushing. How can I be ready this soon? I just started. I don’t want to poop in the water. I feel embarrassed.I don’t want to poop in front of my new husband. I’ve never even peed in front of him.
I tell someone that I need to push. Or poop. Or something. Someone answers me.
It will be ok, go ahead and poop, remember how it was when Julien was born? We just cleaned it out of the water. I think it’s my mother talking.
I hear myself making those elephant noises that come from somewhere deep inside that only comes out when there is the intense power of a baby coming out of you. My throat opens up like the baby is coming out of there. It must be helping the other end open up.
A few seconds later I feel burning and stinging. Can I be crowning already? No way. I feel frantic. I see Debbie’s face. I tell her “The baby’s cooooming… It’s happening too faaaaast!”
She reassures me that it’s ok. That I’m doing great.
My Mom asks if I want the kids to come around to watch. They were on the other side of a screen we set up separating the pool from the rest of the living room.
“No!” I said. Everything was happening so fast and was so intense. I was afraid that I would lose my cool if they were watching.
I can’t be crowning already.
It doesn’t hurt bad enough. Maybe this baby’s small or has a small head. A little burning and stinging, then a little relief.
“Is the head out?” I ask someone.
“Yes” comes the answer.
Thank you God. The worst is over.
I didn’t even have time to get out of the water. I’ve never given birth in the water. My body always told me to get out during transition. This time, transition was over before I got in.
Her head hangs there for a moment between my legs. I hear Zeke making funny noises. He can see his baby and I can’t yet. I think he’s starting to lose it a little. The midwife asks him if he wants to catch the baby. He puts his hands on her but loses his cool. He asks her to do it. She talks to him for a minute which seems to reassure him. My mom sees the baby hanging there and comes closer. My midwife asks her if she wants to catch the baby.
I want to say, “Will SOMEONE please catch the baby?!” but don’t. I know she’s fine.
Zeke regains his composure and puts his hands back on our daughter as she comes out of my body. Somehow she gets into my arms.
6:30 PM
