Review: The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child
May 11, 2008 | Leave a Comment
The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child: With No Pills, No Therapy, No Contest of Wills
I picked up this book because recently, I have found myself caught in a bad cycle of shaming, blaming and punishing with my kids and wanted to get out of it. Punishment, I’ve found, is not a effective parenting tool when it’s overused. Plus, I hate using a negative approach and the feelings it brings out in both me and the kids.
If you’re unconvinced that punishments are ineffective (especially when overused), this book does a good job of proving that relying on punishment too much does indeed backfire. The author calls on decades of psychology study to demonstrate that.
At the heart of the Kazdin method is the use of praise and rewards. While many parents who endeavor to use gentle discipline eschew the use of praise and rewards, I find that both are great tools when used the RIGHT way. I don’t know about you, but when I hear moms at the playground shouting “Good job!” at their kids every 5 seconds, I want to puke. That approach is insincere and dare I say it - a touch manipulative.
Rewards are also controversial, but again - I think it’s a very natural thing to reward others when they behave well, we do it all the time without even trying. We smile at, hug and thank people when they do something we like. We reward our peers with money, praise, help, and in many other ways. The reward system that the book encourages you to set up is easy enough to do and won’t break the bank either. The point is to create new habits and behaviors in your child that are the “positive opposite” of the negative behavior they’re doing now.
Here is a quick example. I was having an issue with my almost ten year old son using potty language at meal time. It was like a switch would flip in his mouth each time we sat down to eat and all the bathroom talk he could come up with would spill out. I tried ignoring it and giving him attention when he spoke about other topics. I tried punishments - removing privileges, having him leave the table and eat alone. Nothing worked and it was escalating. I knew he was doing it to get attention, but it was annoying to me because he’s an intelligent kid who can carry on conversation without relying on gutter talk, plus his siblings were starting to copy him and I didn’t appreciate him taking center stage at the dinner table. The negative reinforcements were still that - reinforcements!
So I made up a chart with that and one other behavior I wanted to address with him. I explained what I was trying to do, and what his rewards were. He earned two points each time he used proper speech at the table. When he got to 20 points, it was a Starbucks Frappucino for him (something he doesn’t usually get but always wants!). At 50 points, a trip to the bowling alley with his friends. It took him a week to get 20 points but since then the behavior has curtailed *dramatically* - after a year of nothing else working.
The point of the system is to make the new habit ingrained so that the system is no longer necessary. It isn’t meant to be forever.
Personally, I’ve found that using systems for things - even parenting - rather than winging it all the time brings about such a sense of relief. Instead of having to decide on the spot all the time, which creates stress and fatigue, you have a plan ahead of time. So I’m really enjoying the lessons in this book.
I’ve been able to improve a couple of other behaviors with the younger kids too. My 5 year old was in a bad habit of pitching a little mini fit whenever I said no to her. While I could overlook this in a 2 year old, I thought she should have the internal reserves by now to hear No and deal with it. I’m not talking about tantrums or flailing about on the floor, just a whiny crying type of response that was really getting on my nerves several times a day.
So, with her I sat down and explained the system. I told her that first we were going to practice me saying no and her responding “like a big girl”. She LOVED this part and would ask me again and again to practice. (I would get really excited and hug and praise her enthusiastically when she did it right, and she earned a point just for practice.) She got her reward after 20 points too, and again - the behavior has gotten much, much better.
This is a simplistic overview of the book, but if you’re having any discipline difficulties I highly recommend you read it. Especially if you’re into positive parenting and want to minimize punishment (especially physical), this book will give you a system that works.
It also comes with a DVD which was helpful to sound down the principles. Truly, the book’s title isn’t quite accurate because I think this is a book for parents of ALL kids, whether they would define them as defiant or not.The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child: With No Pills, No Therapy, No Contest of Wills
Tied To the Nursing Chair
May 10, 2008 | Leave a Comment
I have a question for you nursing moms (or those who have breastfed at some point in their lives). Did you ever feel like you were tied to the nursing chair?
I remember when one of my childhood best friends had her first baby. She told me that she started out breastfeeding, but weaned her baby very young because, as she said, “eventually I had to get off the couch.” I didn’t really understand what she meant because I didn’t have a little one of my own yet, but as my kids started to make their appearances, I began to get it.
I love(d) nursing and didn’t resent the time spent doing so, but I would have the rare twinge of impatience at a baby or toddler who seemed to take foreeeeeeever to finish up. Maybe I wanted to do “other things”. Maybe I was feeling a tad hormonal or touched out. Maybe the child was older and I was feeling a little impatient with his or her demands in general, and that was showing up in the nursing relationship.
When I felt like this, I tried to distract myself by multi tasking. Most babies don’t mind if you check email or read a book (or pray or practice relaxation breathing!) while you nurse. When my oldest was a baby, he was a high needs kid who nursed all the time - it was the only time he was happy. I got a LOT of reading done that year lol! I also discovered baby slings and learned how to nurse in one, hands free. I could wash dishes and breastfeed at the same time! 
photo credit: snaulkter
But overall, I knew that breastfeeding on demand, or as I prefer to call it, breastfeeding “on cue” was the right thing and would actually save me time in the long run.
Each nursing session is an investment in mine and baby’s health and their emotional well being. And each breastfeeding released hormones (oxytocin, prolactin) that made me feel less stressed out and that relaxed me. These hormones are nature’s gift to help us be better mothers.
That doesn’t mean I never set limits with my nursing toddlers because I did - it’s a nursing relationship and there’s nothing wrong with them learning the give-and-take that occurs in relationships.
What about you? Did you ever feel tied to the nursing chair? When? And what did you do about it?
Salad Saturday!
May 10, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Each Saturday I’ll post a free salad recipe from my new salad cookbook. It ha
s over 365 recipes, so you can either buy it now or just hang around here for the next 6 years. LOL!
BLACK & WHITE BEAN SALAD
2 cups Red onions — finely chopped
2 tablespoons Olive or Vegetable Oil
1/3 cup Red Wine Vinegar
1/4 cup Chopped Red Pepper
2 tablespoons Minced Parsley
2 tsp. Garlic — Minced
2 tablespoons Sugar
1/4 teaspoon Salt
1/4 teaspoon Pepper
1 cup 15 oz. Great Northern Beans — Rinsed and Drained
1 cup 15 oz, Black Beans — Rinsed and Drained
Sauté onions in oil until crisp-tender in a medium skillet; Remove from heat and cool until warm. Stir in vinegar, red pepper, parsley, garlic, sugar, salt and pepper.
In a serving bowl put the beans, (both types) and pour the onion mixture over them. Mix well and serve.
Makes 8 servings
My Dryer Smells Like Cod Liver Oil
May 5, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Allow me to explain.
I give my kids cod liver oil. More specifically, Nordic Naturals lemon flavored cod liver oil. My two year old daughter loves the stuff. She calls it “My Menace”. That’s Sadie speak for “My Medicine”.
Often, I find that she has removed the bottle of cod liver oil from the fridge and taken a swig. Other times she’s poured herself a serving into a cup.
Apparently, the other day she poured a whole bunch of it into a cup, plopped a straw into the glass and gave it to her sister. Only, she had spilled a little bit onto the counter or floor or something, and wiped it up with a towel, which made its way to the laundry room hamper. Which of course ended up in a load of laundry.
The thing is, I don’t usually use the dryer. But for a week after my foot surgery, I was taking it a bit easy on myself and using the dryer. I was punished for this you see.
You can’t smell the cod liver oil on the fabric after it’s been washed - only after the heat of the dryer has brought out the was odor. So I blissfully tossed the clean, cod liver oil towel into the dryer, blissfully unawares that it would make the entire load, as well as the dryer, reek.
Here’s a little tip, from me to you. If you spill your cod liver oil, wipe it up with paper towels. 
I cleaned the inside of the dryer with vinegar, which helped tremendously. Just so you know.
Salad Saturday!
May 3, 2008 | 2 Comments
Each Saturday I’ll post a free salad recipe from my new salad cookbook. It has over 365 recipes, so you can either buy it now or just hang around here for the next 6 years. LOL!
Berried Avocado Grapefruit Salad
Bibb lettuce
Watercress
2 avocados — seed, peel, slice
2 cups grapefruit sections
1 cup fresh raspberries
Prepared sweet vinegar and oil dressing
Line serving platter or individual salad plates with lettuce and watercress. Arrange avocado, grapefruit and raspberries over and sprinkle with dressing.
Slow Weight Gain and Sleepy Breastfed Newborns
April 26, 2008 | Leave a Comment
I got an email from a friend asking me for some breastfeeding advice and she agreed that I could share with you all in case this information comes in handy.
And by the way, if you have a breastfeeding question please don’t hesitate to email me ok? I love helping moms with breastfeeding. I was a La Leche League leader for 6 years and have helped a lot of women breastfeed their babies. Plus I have almost 10 years now of nonstop breastfeeding myself. Ok here’s her question:
My little one arrived on the 10th. She weighed 6lbs 6oz at birth and when we left the hospital on the 12th she was 5lbs 12 oz. On the 15th we went to her first doctor’s appt and she had gained (6lbs 1oz) and the dr. said that was good (averaging 1oz. a day). Today she went for her 2week check up and her weight was 6lbs 4oz which isn’t to her birth weight yet, but close. I’m a bit concerned about this and so was the lactation consultant/nurse practicioner.
After some talking and her watching her nurse, which she latched on fine, she recommended that I take Fenugreek and Alfalfa (1-2 pills 3 times a day of each). She also recommended Mother’s Milk Tea. Seems it is a matter of milk supply and/or the baby not staying awake at the breast long enough to get to the hind milk. She falls asleep rather quickly most of the time.
I have to admit that I really thought she would have been back to or over her birth weight by now and I’m concerned about supply. I’m just curious what you think of the combination she told me to take. Do you have any experience or know other mother’s who have used those herbs for increasing milk supply? If so, how long should it be before I see a difference in my supply?
Also, if you have any suggestions of holds, etc. that might keep her awake longer while nursing could you pass those on as well.
Thanks so much for your help Carrie!
Hey Arika,
Here is your clue: “She falls asleep rather quickly most of the time.”
This is pretty common, and believe it or not some babies will sleep themselves into slow weight gain. So, if you work on this you will start putting the weight on her in a few days.
My second born was like this, always feel asleep on the breast within seconds. Here are some tricks to keep your baby awake long enough to get more into her tummy.
- Don’t overdress her. When she nurses you might want to remove a layer of clothing, even everything but a diaper, and just put a light blanket her. If it’s warm in your house skip the blanket even. If she’s too warm it will make her very sleepy - like how an adult feels when they drive in a warm car.
- When she starts falling asleep at the breast before she’s actively been sucking for about ten minutes or so, keep her awake. Tickle her feet, change her diaper, break her suction on your breast and switch sides… whatever you need to do to keep her actively sucking and swallowing for ten minutes. Later on you won’t need to do this, but during the sleep newborn period it’s important.
- Is she nursing at night? If not, wake her up. I know that goes against the age old wisdom to never wake a sleeping baby - and I know you need your sleep! But if she sleeps longer than 5 hours at a stretch, wake her and put her to the breast.
- The herbs are fine, but frequent nursing will work better. Take enough Fenugreek until your sweat smells like maple syrup.
- Another trick to get her interested in actively nursing if she starts falling asleep: Put your fingers around your breast, with thumb on top and fingers underneath, high up so that you don’t break her suction. Squeeze gently. You will probably notice that she’ll get a surge of milk and it will get her interested again.
Try these tips for the next 3 days and sleep and rest and nurse as much as possible. Usually 2-3 days of increased feedings is enough to increase your supply - it that’s even the issue here, it probably isn’t. The sleepiness is probably the issue.
Arika wrote back to say:
Thanks so much Carrie. I really think the sleeping is a big part of it too and I appreciate the suggestions and will definitely use them.
I think a lot of it might be what you said about her being warm and comfy when nursing. I’ve also found a sitting up position seems to keep her awake longer too. As for night feedings, she is nursing at night and she might give me 1 or 2 four hour stretches when she sleeps but only once has it been more and that was 5 hours, so she’s making sure she’s nursing at night…which is a good sign.
Did you have any issues with a sleepy newborn and slow weight gain? How did you handle this?
Salad Saturday!
April 26, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Each Saturday I’ll post a free salad recipe from my new salad cookbook. It has over 365 recipes, so you can either buy it now or just hang around here for the next 6 years. LOL!
Bean and Tuna Salad
3 cups Water
2 cans Cannellini beans
1/3 cup Olive oil
3 teaspoons Red wine vinegar
1 teaspoon Salt
Fresh pepper to taste
1 medium Red onion
12 ounces Tuna — drained
Directions: Mix together oil, vinegar, salt and pepper. Pour over beans and onion in a shallow bowl. Cover and refrigerate at least 1 hour. Transfer bean mixture to serving platter with slotted spoon. Break tuna into chunks and arrange on bean mixture.
It Takes All Kinds
April 24, 2008 | 6 Comments
I had a friend once… she moved far away and I’m still sad about it. I miss her. The thing is, we were opposite in every way. Physically - she was blonde with long, stick straight hair that shined in the sun (think Gwyneth Paltrow) and shockingly beautiful blue eyes. Petite, she looked good in anything that came off the rack. She sported a year round tan and had legs that went up to her ears (and the 3 inch heels helped). Me - I have coarse, curly almost black hair. I’m pale, browneyed and curvy - my legs would win no “up to there” contest. She was outspoken (that comes from being a New York native) and confident, me - shy and afraid to say too much.
We were also very different in our ideas about mothering.
She “hated” breastfeeding and would do it only for 3 months (and that was a big sacrifice for her), she worked outside the home part time, declaring that if she stayed home she would “go crazy”. She was an authoritarian disciplinarian. Her kids loved TV (it was background noise all the time) and video games - I was video game and TV free.
But despite our differences, we got along great and our kids hit it off too. In fact, I think I learned a lot by being around her. Her kids were confident and intelligent - just like her. They were healthy and fun to be around. They shared (most of the time) and obeyed (most of the time) just like mine. I admired her because she was so good at using humor to discipline her kids. Even though she was more authoritarian than I wish to be, I found myself trying to copy some of the things she did to diffuse situations with her spirited oldest child. She meant business - but she had a lot of fun too, and her kids loved it.
And, I think my friend learned a little bit from me too, without my even trying. Before she moved away, she opened up to me about her disappointment with her birth experiences - she felt like all the power had been taken away from her, and she had regrets about the way things worked out. Both her babies had been delivered via C-section and she didn’t want to face it again.
My point here? It takes all kinds of moms to make a world. And we can learn a lot from each other.
Alice sent me this article and when I read it, I thought about my friend. I hope you enjoy reading it too.
The Unnatural Mom Exposed
I’ve always been intrigued by the concept of the Natural Mom. Even the words “Natural Mom” sound so ethereal that anyone achieving that status brings to mind an image of an angelic creature looking down over all of us.
But these women are very real.
They do their homework and make smart decisions for their family that not only focus on their family’s well-being and health, but care for this precious planet at the same time. Being a Natural Mom is as practical as practical can be.
And despite the fact that I admire the Natural Mom, it’s not something I’ve been able to achieve in my life. I try at some things. I fail at some. I’m just too darned stubborn to try the others.
The Anatomy of One Unnatural Mom:
o I’m a breastfeeding mom, but with my first child grew so frustrated that I ended up just pumping my milk for as long as I could and bottle-feeding breast milk. I was much better equipped to handle it for REAL the next time and the 2nd baby never had a baby bottle…ever. Baby #3 is on the way and will be breastfed.
o My kids were born in a hospital and both by c-section. I attempted a vaginal birth the first time, but after 40 hours of labor and a low heart rate scare, the doctors said it was time to come out with it. I’ve been terrified of labor since.
o I love to wear my baby, but only when my husband is available to help me figure out the darned Mayan Baby Wrap. I can’t seem to make the darned thing to work properly on my own.
o Babies are allowed to sleep in our bed until I can no longer stand all the legs and feet (baby and grown up) poking me all night.
o I’m not 100% sure that I’ve ever even seen a cloth diaper.
o I’m militant about buying whole-wheat products in the grocery store, but we take our fair share of trips through the drive through for some white flour and animal fat delights.
o I bought two t-shirts from thelactivist.com, but they are so racy, we might only wear them inside the house.
o Although I thoroughly enjoy learning opportunities with my kids, home and school are two words that don’t go together around here. Well, unless I’m saying, “I’m at home and about to take the kids to school,” or the “Kids are on the way home from school.”
o I go through phases with organic foods and sometimes convince myself that all the foods labeled organic aren’t really what they say they are. Then I just buy the regular stuff to save money.
The Anatomy of One Unnatural Mom’s Kids:
o My kids are healthy, have never had any serious medical problems and rarely have colds.
o My kids are intelligent with vocabularies that would knock your socks (organic cotton, of course) off.
o My kids love interacting with other people, making friends and interactive play.
…and I could go on and on, but nobody wants to hear a mom brag about her kids endlessly. Let’s just say they’re doing pretty darned great.
You see, I am who I am. I may be a little unnatural, but to my kids I am the world. I make my choices based on what I feel is best for my family and children.
I hope that you will forgive this Unnatural Mom and appreciate the efforts she has made because after all, nobody…not any mom…is truly perfect, except in the eyes of our own families. And that is what truly matters. Natural, unnatural or somewhere in between, all moms are amazing.
About the Author: Alice Seba is the Schmoozer in Chief at Schmoozins , the online magazine that gives all women a voice. Come on over and schmooze a bit or just hang out a while.
Alice I couldn’t agree with you more
Natural Moms Podcast #79
April 14, 2008 | 8 Comments
Lynne Eldridge M.D. is a Mom of 4 and author of the book Avoiding Cancer One Day At a Time.
She shared some interesting information about the unique risks women and their children face and what we can do about them. For instance, did you know that women who work from home are 50% more likely to get cancer? This might be due to poor indoor air quality. Moms need to be careful to use non-toxic cleaners.
Keeping houseplants is also a simple way to clean indoor air and they’re very aesthetically pleasing.
Radon is a major cause of lung cancer - have you tested your home? The test kits are not expensive.
Arsenic treated wood is present on 90% outdoor play structures built prior to 2003. If you have one, seal it once a year with a water based polyurethane sealant and have kids wash their hands after playing. This is also true of playground equipment your kids play on at the park or at school. Another way to avoid this risk is to place tablecloths on picnic tables to make eating from them safer.
Another risk to be aware of is that of radiation exposure, especially in kids. If your child needs an X-ray, ask if the machine is set for child dosing. Be sure that the X-ray is medically necessary.
Did you know that increasing your fruit and vegetables to 7-9 servings can halve the risk of cancer? Be sure you’re drink clean water: test your well water for contaminants.
If your kids use cell phones, be sure they are for emergency calls only. There is some evidence that cell phone use may increase certain cancers.
Download the mp3 here to listen to the interview.
Let’s All Do TV Turnoff Week
April 13, 2008 | 6 Comments
Did you know that April 21 - 27 is TV Turnoff Week?
The folks at Unplug Your Kids are hosting a TV Turnoff Week Blog Challenge to encourage people to get on board and spread the word. Grab your cool graphic and join in.
Going a week without TV is not a big deal around here. We did it last week in fact when my sister and 3 of my nephews were visiting. While I do own a TV, I’m pretty strict about how much time my kids are allowed to watch a screen - that includes computer time.
I’ll be posting back later to let you know how it went and to share some other stuff about TV.
Meanwhile here are some cool TV Turnoff Resources:
A bunch of stuff to do Instead Of TV
The TV Free System can help you kick the habit forever
Keep the kids busy with Kids Activity Calendar
Won’t you join in the challenge?