Colic and the Breastfed Baby
August 31, 2010 | Leave a Comment
Here’s another great question from a reader:
What is the best suggestion you have for a colic baby that is breastfed?
Colic usually refers to babies who cry for long periods of time, especially in the evenings, typically starting a few weeks after birth. Some experts say that colic doesn’t exist, and there is a legitimate reason for the crying, that it will resolve when the issue is addressed. Others insist on using colic as a catch-all diagnosis. Either way, a mom would be highly motivated to try to help her baby.
Colicky babies are nearly inconsolable during their crying spells. Although breastfed babies tend to experience colic less than their formula-fed counterparts, it is still very much possible for a breastfed baby to have colic. Even though opinions differ as to what causes colic, there are some things that may be contributing to a breastfed baby’s crying and pain that parents may want to know of.
Colic and The Breastfed Baby
One reason for a breastfed baby’s crying may be that they are not getting the adequate amount of fat during a feeding. Breastfeeding mothers are often taught to breastfeed on each breast during each feeding session. This is done to relieve engorgement of the breasts and stimulate mom’s milk supply. However, what this can also do is prevent the baby from receiving enough of the healthy fats in the breast milk.
During letdown in the beginning of a feeding, the baby receives foremilk, which is a lower-fat consistency of milk (kind of like skim milk). The foremilk quenches the baby’s thirst and immediate hunger.
But as the feeding goes on, fat globules begin to make their way down the ducts toward the nipple. The baby then receives hind milk, which has a higher fat content and can keep the baby feeling fuller longer (like cream). If the mother feeds on one breast at a time during feedings, she is ensuring their baby receives hind milk, which can help reduce colic.
For a newborn or young baby, switching breasts during feedings can be especially problematic because their appetite is smaller. The hind milk tends to come after mom’s milk has letdown more than once.
How can you tell if this might be a problem? Baby has green poops. Green poops can indicate that baby is getting too much foremilk and not enough hind milk.
This was an issue with my oldest child. Since I had never nursed a baby before and was insecure about him getting enough, I switched sides too often. This led to him becoming fussy and having green poops. When I learned to keep him on ONE side for an entire feeding, sometimes even two feedings, the problem went away.
If this is uncomfortable for mom since the other breast remains full, the mother can pump the other side or hand express a small amount to relieve engorgement before the next feeding.
Some mothers may also have a rapid letdown, which can release a lot of milk into the baby’s mouth at once, causing them to cough and spit, struggling to keep up and swallowing a lot of air in the process. Mothers with an overactive letdown can pump out a small amount of milk before putting their baby on the breast, to reduce the rapid amount of milk going into the mouth when the baby first latches on. Nursing while lying down can help, as can sitting baby up (as in a football hold) for feeds. Burping can also help some babies.
Although nursing mothers are not prohibited from eating certain foods in their diet, some mothers may notice that some foods can cause their baby to become gassy. Colic will usually pass on its own but if there is a family history of dairy allergy she could try cutting out dairy. Eating fiber and vegetables like beans, onions or spices do NOT cause colic or gas. This is actually impossible, since it’s undigested carbohydrates that causes gas pain in the Mom, and these cannot pass into breastmilk.
Wearing a baby sling can help comfort a crying baby.
Babies who are “worn” cry less according to research.
It’s important to remember that unlike formula-fed babies who are often fed on a schedule, breastfed babies often have their own schedule. Nursing on demand can help reduce colic, because they will be fed when hungry and not force fed when not hungry.
Iron supplements (like those in prenatal vitamins) can bother some babies. When my second child, who was very calm by nature starting crying, I called my Naturopath who advised that I stop taking my prenatals for this reason. When I did, the crying stopped.
Did your breastfed baby experience colic? How did you help him or her feel better?
More:
Infant Formula Contains Fluoride at Tooth-Discoloring Levels
October 22, 2009 | 2 Comments
Another reason to breastfeed your baby. While breastmilk does contain some fluoride, infant formula contains far more, and apparently, in amounts that are likely to cause damage to developing teeth.
All Infant Formula Contains Fluoride at Tooth-Discoloring Levels
New York – October 21, 2009 – All infant formulas, whether ready-to-feed, concentrated or organic, contain fluoride at levels which can discolor developing teeth, reports the October 2009 Journal of the American Dental Association (JADA) (1).
Fluoride, added to some bottled and public water supplies ostensibly to prevent cavities, is also in many foods and beverages, including infant formula. Excessive fluoride discolors and/or weakens permanent teeth (moderate fluorosis).
Researchers measured fluoride content of 49 infant formulas. See:
http://www.freewebs.com/fluoridation/infantformulafluoride.htm
The research team concludes, “Most infants from birth to age 12
months who consume predominantly powdered and liquid concentrate formula are likely to exceed the upper tolerable limit [of fluoride] if the formula is reconstituted with optimally fluoridated water (0.7 – 1.2 ppm).”
Surprisingly, the study reveals that all 6-month-olds and younger will also exceed the lower “adequate intake” (0.01 mg/day) from all formulas concentrated or not) risking moderate dental fluorosis from formula, alone. (2)
Breast milk contains about 250 times less fluoride than “optimally”uoridated water and isn’t linked to fluorosis.
“Babies don’t need fluoride and fluoride ingestion doesn’t reduce tooth decay,” says attorney Paul Beeber, President, New York State Coalition Opposed to Fluoridation, Inc. “So why are US babies still exposed to unnecessary fluoride chemicals via the water and food supplies and why aren’t parents informed of the consequences?” asks Beeber.
Up to 48% of school children have fluorosed teeth – 4% severe, reports the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) (3).
Both the CDC and the American Dental Association’s web sites advise parents to avoid mixing fluoridated water into concentrated infant formula, but they have never effectively broadcast this information to parents or the media (4,5).
A review of human studies by different researchers published in JADA (July 2009) concluded, “Our systematic review indicated that the consumption of infant formula [concentrated and ready-to-feed] is, on average, associated with an increased risk of developing at least some detectable level of enamel fluorosis.” (6)
“Parents, protect your children since dental and government agencies won’t. Petition local and state legislators to stop adding unnecessary and harmful fluoride chemicals into public water supplies and, thereby, into our food supply,” says Beeber. “Further, demand that the fluoride content of all food products be required on labels.”
Researchers agree that infant formula levels should be lowered.
“One interpretation of the available evidence would be that public health officials should create guidelines for infant formula consumption ensuring that the upper intake level established by the Institute of Medicine… is not
exceeded. Another approach would be to strive for ‘biological normality’ and to strive for fluoride levels observed in breast milk,” write Hujoel et al. in “Infant Formula and Enamel Fluorosis: A Systematic Review. (6)
A recent investigation by the Environmental Working Group (EWG) found that over-exposure to fluoride among infants is a widespread problem in most major American cities. EWG’s study found that, on any given day, up to 60% of formula-fed babies in US cities were exceeding the Institute of Medicine’s “upper tolerable” limit for fluoride. (6a)
In 2004, fluoride researcher Dr. Teresa A. Marshall told Reuters Health, “Very young infants are unlikely to benefit from the caries-prevention effects of fluoride…They may be at increased risk of dental fluorosis.” (7) Marshall co-authored “Associations between Intakes of Fluoride from Beverages during Infancy and Dental Fluorosis of Primary Teeth,” in the Journal of American Clinical Nutrition. (b)
In 2000, researcher A K Mascarenhas evaluating only well-conducted studies from the 1980s through the 1990s concluded in Pediatric Dentistry that infant formula was a major risk factor for dental fluorosis. (8)
As part of the on-going Iowa Fluoride Study, Levy and his team measured the fluoride content of infant formula and found from 0.15 to 0.30 ppm in ready-to-feed infant formula. (9)
Common household water filters (e.g. carbon filters) do not remove fluoride and unlike chlorine, which dissipates upon boiling, fluoride becomes more concentrated when water is boiled.
USDA: Fluoride-content of common foods: http://www.ars.usda.gov/Services/docs.htm?docid=6312
Pictures of fluorosis
http://www.fluoridealert.org/health/teeth/fluorosis/moderate-severe.html
Contact: Paul Beeber, Esq 516-433-8882 nyscof@aol.com
SOURCE: New York State Coalition Opposed to Fluoridation, Inc.
http://www.orgsites.com/ny/nyscof
http://www.FluorideAction.Net
References:
1) “Assessing a potential risk factor for enamel fluorosis: a
preliminary evaluation of fluoride content in infant formulas,”
Journal of the American Dental Association October 2009
2) http://fluoridation.webs.com/intakefromformula.htm
3) http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/figures/s403a1t23.gif
4) http://www.cdc.gov/fluoridation/safety/infant_formula.htm
5) http://www.ada.org/prof/resources/pubs/adanews/adanewsarticle.asp?art…
6) “Infant Formula and Enamel Fluorosis: A Systematic Review,”
Journal of the American Dental Association by Hujoel, et al, July 2009
6a) “National Academy Calls for Lowering Fluoride Limits in Tap
Water,” EWG News Release, March 2006 http://www.ewg.org/node/21000
7) “Too Much Fluoride May Harm Babies’ Teeth,” Reuters Health, May 5,
2004
http://www.fluoridealert.org/media/2004c.html
Pediatric Dentistry. July-August 2000. “Risk factors for dental
fluorosis: a review of the recent literature,” by Mascarenhas AK
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10969430?dopt=Abstract
9) Dental Clinics of North America 47(2003), “Current and future role
of fluoride in nutrition,” by Warren & Levy, 225-243
More evidence that infant formula is linked to dental fluorosis:
http://tinyurl.com/AllFormulaContainsFluoride
More: Carrie’s Interview with Bill Osmunson DDS, MPH, and Fluoride Action Network Spokesperson on the risks of fluoride.
Furious About Breastfeeding?
March 23, 2009 | 7 Comments
“Being stuck at home breast-feeding as he walked out the door for work just made me unreasonably furious, at him and everyone else.”
Really?
I might as well join the chorus of voices blogging this week about “The Case Against Breastfeeding“.
But instead of picking apart the author’s arguments (among them: the research doesn’t really show a strong benefit of breastfeeding, it takes too much time and makes meaningful work impossible, it shackles women and keeps them down, etc), I am just going to focus on the one quote mentioned above.
If breastfeeding your baby makes you “stuck at home” and “furious” at the world, then you probably shouldn’t do it.
That doesn’t mean it’s not best. It just means you have a major attitude problem.
Grocery Shopping and Dinner Planning Printables
March 19, 2009 | Leave a Comment
I just got back from the grocery store, where I purchased the ingredients for banana splits. And the reason I purchased the ingredients for banana splits?
I’m celebrating an accomplishment of my oldest son. Now, in the past I may have taken him out for an ice cream.
But it’s cheaper (and healthier) to make food at home.
Including the occasional banana split (hey – the ice cream and whipped cream are organic – and nuts are healthy!).
When finances are tight, it’s not all bad. In fact there are some benefits.
By being more frugal and careful with our grocery money, we may spend more time around the dinner table together, and more time in the kitchen preparing food together (and cleaning up together if you’re in my house!).
Banana splits are one thing, but when it comes to getting dinner on the table, it takes a little simple meal-planning. It helps to know EXACTLY what your family is going to eat each day, having the ingredient on hand and quickly putting together delicious meals.
Meal planning became a part of my weekly routine after my 4th child was born. It was the only way we got a hot meal on the table!
All it takes is 15-20 minutes with pencil, paper, and your favorite cookbooks. (And sales circulars from your local stores.)
- First, you take a quick look at what you already have in your freezer, pantry and fridge. Getting an idea of what’s already on hand means you can create meals around those ingredients and save a bit of money (and fewer things will end up going to waste).
- Then, take a look at what’s on sale at the store(s) you shop at.
- Using your cookbooks (or your head if you’re that kind of cook!), create your weekly menu.
To make things easier, here are some free dinner planning & grocery shopping sheets you can download and print:
Free Dinner Planning & Grocery Shopping Printables
Natural Moms Podcast #115
February 24, 2009 | 1 Comment
I apologize for this week’s “lo fi” show. I’m sick and also have a vomiting 6 year old, so we’re couching out for a few days. I didn’t want this week’s show to be any later so I decided to publish the interview as is. 
My guest this week is Lafe Larson of Lafe’s Natural Bodycare.
While some skin care companies are concerned about BPA in their products, Lafe has gone a step further.
His company recently released the first-of-its-kind organic certified baby line packaged in “baby-safe” plastic, free of estrogenic chemicals.
Listen to find out what Carrie’s favorite product was and how she put it to the ultimate test!
In addition to safe skin care for babies and mothers, Lafe’s offers deodorants and intimate products, free of questionable ingredients such as parabens, glycol, PEGs, and sodium laureth.
Lafe also helps clear up some of the confusion around plastics and their affects on the body. You can also read more information at EAFREE.com
Selma Hayek, Cross Nursing and Carrie
February 13, 2009 | 14 Comments
A couple of days ago a reporter from ABC News called me to ask my thoughts on the whole Selma Hayek cross nursing an African baby thing.
Cross/wet nursing is controversial enough, but throw in a pair of award winning celebrity ta-tas and everyone is listening.
You can see some of the things I said to her here: Selma Hayek breastfeeding another woman’s child.
Among other things, I told the reporter that calling Selma “unfaithful” is ridiculous. If any mother saw a toddler fall down on the sidewalk and cut open her knees, and mom wasn’t around, she would pick that child up and offer her comfort.
Is that unfaithful?
Using that kind of language just harkens back to the cultural (and I said cultural on the phone, not culturally – not that I’m complaining) misunderstanding that exists about breastfeeding being somehow sexual.
Breastfeeding is intimate.
Breastfeeding is the end result of being sexual (because it completes the cycle of fertility that starts with ovulation, then copulation, then birth).
Breastfeeding feels good. (Or at least it should.)
But breastfeeding doesn’t have any more to do with sex than hugging does. Hugging my 10, 8 and 6 year old children isn’t sexual.
It’s just mothering.
I don’t hug my kids “for myself” once they get past a certain age.
I’ve talked before on this blog about my thoughts on cross nursing and wet nursing, and also mentioned to the reporter that I was personally cross nursed by the mother of a friend of mine. I was 5 days old and my mom had to go back in the hospital for observation. My Mom called her local La Leche League group and moms sent bottles of expressed milk over.
But, I wouldn’t take the bottles.
I’m sure my Dad was pretty terrified, with this tiny infant and his beloved wife in a hospital bed. Thankfully my mom’s friend was able to come over and breastfeed me during that time. Who knows what might have happened? I might have starved myself for two days in some kind of newborn baby depression and shock.
This morning I told my Mom about the story, and she reminded me that she also cross nursed a baby – a childhood friend of mine.
Apparently her mother’s milk was taking a long time to increase postpartum. (Some moms take a week for their milk to “come in”, there is nothing magical about the 3 days postpartum timeframe, it’s just typical for most women.)
Anyway, little Jennifer seemed to be starving and was screaming her head off, so my mom’s friends asked her to come over and feed her. Jennifer’s mother’s milk finally did come in and they had a happy nursing relationship for a long time. But, I wonder if my mother hadn’t done that, would the stress of the experience caused her mom to just give up and offer bottles?
Cross nursing has its place, even in our modern society.
I also told the reporter that (and she was so cute because she’s never had kids so didn’t know what I was talking about) when a lactating woman hears another baby cry – ANY baby – her body responds accordingly. It’s just a natural thing, like the empathy you might feel if you see an older child fall down at the playground. All the moms come running, especially if the real mom can’t help at that moment.
(Some of the babies at Blissdom had this effect on me. You know who you are.)
I bet that a lot of women, in that situation, would have done the same thing. I certainly would have. We just wouldn’t be the number one video on YouTube. Noone would be the wiser.
When I was still married and had young babies, I had my ex husband swear that he would find a nursing mother to feed my baby if I ever were to land in a hospital and were unable to offer that familiar comfort to my infant. Just knowing that he would have done that made me feel better.
Watch the video and look at the happiness on that baby’s face. Tell me there’s something wrong about that.
Tell me how you feel about this story.
Would you cross nurse another woman’s baby if she asked you? Would you want another woman to nurse your child?
photo credit http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Story?id=6864594&page=1
Breastfeeding Saves Lives
December 4, 2008 | 2 Comments
When we think of how breastfeeding saves lives, we often think of instances where a baby is highly allergic to formula, or has other special needs.
We rarely think about emergency situations, but in these cases, breastfeeding becomes even more important.
For one thing, in times of natural disaster, water supplies are often dangerously polluted. This makes it difficult to obtain clean water to mix up formula.
I read this news report this morning about how moms breastfeeding their babies saved not only the moms and babies, but perhaps other people too.
“… when terrorists stormed the Cama and Albless Hospitals last Wednesday.
“The terrorists were violently banging the locked iron grills and even the slightest noise by the babies could have alerted the terrorists,” said Dr Archana Garud, chief medical officer, who was on duty that night. “The ayah suggested that all mothers breastfeed their babies to hush them up.”
Garud said this brainwave saved the lives of patients as well as hospital staff.
Wow. Another testament to the power of mom’s milk. 
How Fathers Can Support Breastfeeding
November 8, 2008 | 3 Comments
Please take a second to welcome guest blogger Lexi Rodrigo
photo credit: Kelly Sue
August 1 to 8 was World Breastfeeding Week and this year’s theme was all about giving mothers the support they need to breastfeed successfully.
Breastfeeding advocates have long known that mothers need support in breastfeeding. Now there’s proof. According to a recent Cochrane Review of 34 studies in 14 countries, support from both lay persons and professionals help increase the duration of breastfeeding, especially exclusive breastfeeding.
Husbands or partners, in particular, have a big role to play to ensure that women breastfeed and continue breastfeeding.
Here are seven ways that fathers can support the breastfeeding mother and child:
1. Support the woman’s decision to have a natural childbirth.
Babies who are born without drugs tend to have a better start with breastfeeding. Mother and baby are both fully conscious and alert after birth. Babies who aren’t groggy from drugs have a natural instinct to nurse immediately after birth. Mommy should also be alert and strong enough to bring baby to the breast within the first hour of birth.
2. Allow the mother to room in with baby.
When mother and baby are together, they have unlimited opportunities to breastfeed. On the other hand, if baby is in the nursery, the mother will usually have to breastfeed according to the hospital’s feeding schedules. Meantime, baby gets infant formula or glucose water and a pacifier.
3. Take over most of the household responsibilities.
It takes time for a mother and her baby to settle into a good breastfeeding routine. A new mother also needs plenty of time to rest and recover from birth. Her husband or partner should take over the cooking and cleaning and give her plenty of time to bond with the new baby.
4. Wake up in the middle of the night, too.
Many fathers of breastfed babies are spoiled; they don’t need to get up in the middle of the night to prepare a bottle of formula! But do empathize with the nursing Mommy who has to feed a newborn around the clock. At least get up to burp and change the baby. If baby still has the days and nights mixed up, be the one to stay up with him or her. Learn how to soothe your own baby to sleep and let the new mother sleep.
5. Be proud when your wife/partner breastfeeds in public.
Women need support to breastfeed in public. Some women are so embarrassed they’d rather give a bottle of expressed breastmilk or formula than nurse when outside! Others give up breastfeeding altogether because they cannot overcome the embarrassment. If the baby’s father is proud to show off his child nursing in public, the mother will become more comfortable. Dads can help provide more privacy to the breastfeeding Mom, too, by shielding her from prying eyes while she gets settled into a discreet position.
6. Never question the purchase of breastfeeding supplies and gadgets.
Breastfeeding is free, but certain paraphernalia help to make breastfeeding more pleasant and more convenient. These include a breastfeeding pillow, breastfeeding clothes, a rocking chair or glider, a breastpump and breastmilk storage containers, breastfeeding blankets, and baby slings. And don’t forget the books about breastfeeding. Fathers should support this sudden obsession with anything related breastfeeding — within your family’s means, of course. Remember that anything that will keep a woman breastfeeding is well worth its price.
7. Promote breastfeeding to everyone you know.
Brag about your breastfed child; you have good reason to do so. Children who are not breastfed get sick more often and have lower IQ than breastfed children. Encourage pregnant women you know to breastfeed. Tell other fathers to encourage their wives to breastfeed, too.
Fathers have a crucial role in breastfeeding. Fathers also benefit when mothers successfully breastfeed their children breastfeed successfully. They have a happier, healthier family, and the economic benefits are significant.
Lexi Rodrigo is a stay at home Mom to 3 children, a freelance writer and Internet entrepreneur. Get more information on breastfeeding benefits and other natural parenting tips by visiting http://www.natural-moms.com.
Tidbits: Breastfeeding research, raw milk video
October 29, 2008 | 2 Comments
A recently published study shows that breastfeeding does not make your breasts sag. (An excuse that aristocrats have used for centuries to justify hiring wet nurses.) It’s factors like multiple pregnancies (and the hormones that go along with the condition), age and weight that are responsible.
Glad to see this research being published, although the information has been circulating in pro breastfeeding circles for years.
Another myth is that breastfeeding makes your breasts smaller. That may be true for some women but the effect is temporary and only lasts for a few cycles after weaning. Women often perceive their breasts to be smaller but that’s because their breasts got bigger during nursing.
Typically after several cycles, a woman’s breasts replace the bulk that was taken up with milk producing glands with fat, as they were before breastfeeding began. So if you’ve just weaned and feel smaller, just hang in there for several months.
Of course, for some women, their breasts stay larger after breastfeeding (like their feet?!).
Another study points to one reason by breastfed babies have less issues with overweight. Because they are better at regulating their caloric intake.
And finally here is a quick video from Australia about a family enjoying the benefits of raw milk, from Nourished magazine.
Preparing Your Older Child for the New Baby
September 14, 2008 | 2 Comments
I remember hearing horror stories about older kids and their jealousy towards the new baby in the house. One friend of mine even said her daughter tried to suffocate her baby with a pillow! 
photo credit: Phil Scoville
I can’t imagine how that must have felt. It was also totally foreign to me because I didn’t have any trouble at all with my toddlers trying to hurt their new sibling. I never even saw any signs of rivalry or upset at all.
I think it’s because of some of the things I did during the pregnancy and in the first few hours, days and weeks after I gave birth.
Here are some of those things. I hope they help you if you’re about to go through this!
Sell them on “big brother” or “big sister”.
Speak in positive terms to them about what it means to be a big sis or big brother. Really play up the importance of their role and help them to feel special and needed. You will want to discuss how they can be your helper and how much you need them because after the birth you will be sore and tired.
You may want to assign them a specific task, something age appropriate. For a younger child, fetching diapers for you might be a good one. With my babies, I invited the older toddler to come and join us during diaper changes to involve them. We would chat and I would let them help any way they could, and it was a pleasant time. Help your child to appreciate how much you need their help.
Don’t plan any other major changes.
This would not be a good time to introduce any other major changes into their life, such as potty training, different sleeping arrangements or any other similar changes. You don’t want to overwhelm them nor add any added stress to their lives or yours.
If your toddler is still nursing, there is no reason to stop during your pregnancy or even afterwards when the new baby arrives. Many moms have found that tandem nursing (breastfeeding siblings who are not twins) is very rewarding and a wonderful way to ease the transition for the older child.
When they are assured of your place in their lap, they are not as likely to be jealous or resent the new baby. I found this to be absolutely true with mine. My toddlers were all still nursing when their siblings were born, and it was wonderful to help them adjust. I shared my story in the link above.
Talk to them.
Children understand more than we think. So, spend some time talking with them about the big event. You can tell them about what will happen when you go to have the baby, where they will be staying, and what they can expect. If you are having the baby at home or in a birthing center, you might want to consider allowing them to be with you at the birth. Children who are close by the mother during her labor are more likely to view the new baby as “ours” instead of an alien intruder! Some parents have found it helpful to read books that talk about getting a new baby in the house. These often explain how new babies need constant care and feeding.
It’s also helpful to share the story of their own birth with your toddler. Young children seem to love to hear the story of their birth! Talk about how it was such a happy day for you because you finally got to meet them. Tell them details, and let them watch birth videos if you have them, and allow them to go through their baby books and pictures.
Involve them in the pregnancy.
Take your older child to prenatal appointments if you can. This helps them to start bonding with the unborn child. This is a lot easier if you’re getting care from a midwife, who will welcome your other children and allow them to listen to the heartbeat or play with the stethoscope and other equipment! My kids always had fun when we visited the midwife for our appointments.
photo credit: eyeliam
My oldest son even cut his two baby sister’s cords when they were born. I have pictures of him all decked out as Obi-Wan Kenobi, complete with light sabre, when his first sister was born. He was so protective of her and called her Padme for the first few months of her life. 
Get help.
Going from one to two (or two to three, and on and on!) is a wonderful time to ask friends, family, Grandparents and others for a little help. While you and the baby are resting, could someone play with your toddler, arrange a playdate or take them to the park for a couple of hours?
A little extra one on one time with a beloved adult can make up for the fact that you are going to be giving the toddler a little less attention for awhile. This is a time for Dad to step up too. While he does need time to bond with the newborn, this can be a time of growth in the older child as he embraces Dad as someone who can also meet his needs.
Watch your language.
When the baby arrives, be careful how you phrase things. If your older child asks you for something and you can’t help them because you’re caring for the baby, don’t “blame” it on the baby. Say something like, “My hands are busy now, but I can play with you in a few minutes. Why don’t you come snuggle next to me and I’ll read you a story?”
Another tip that some moms have found helpful is to talk up the older child to the baby. We moms love to go ga-ga and talk goo goo over our babies, but why not brag on the older sibling? “Ooh look at what big brother is doing! He’s building a block tower and it’s sooooo tall!” This can make the older child’s heart swell with pride. I heard this tip from a mom I admired, and when I did it, I could see the older child’s face practically beaming. Of course, the baby can’t understand a word you’re saying, but that doesn’t matter!
If your child does express some negative feelings towards the new baby, do not deflect it or try to change their feelings. It won’t work! It’s insulting and we know how WE feel when someone does that to us. Instead, mirror them by saying something empathic, like “It’s tough having to share mommy with the new baby sometimes.” You don’t have to agree with them, just empathize. When we do that, they feel safe sharing their feelings, and are able to process and work through them better. But if we can all bent out of shape they feel misunderstood and frustrated, which doesn’t help matters.
There’s one thing that some people who come to visit your new family may do that you need to watch for. This always made me cringe every time I observed it! They overreact every time the older children touch the baby.
Another thing to be careful of when it comes to visitors is this: Don’t let them focus 100% of their attention on the new baby. People do this too, and they don’t mean any harm. But imagine how it feels to the older child when everyone around him is completely besotted with “baby this and baby that”. They don’t even ask him questions except to say, “So how do you like the new baby?” LOL!
If your guests or family members do this, tactfully steer the conversation around.
Clueless Aunt: “So, little Johnny, how do you like the new baby so far?”
Little Johnny: “Um, he’s ok. I guess.”
You: “Auntie, did you see the picture Johnny painted? It’s over there on the refrigerator. Johnny, would you like to show Auntie your new picture? Maybe she can get your paints out and you can draw a new one for her to take home to Aunt Joe.”
You might want to even ask family members and friends to bring a small gift for your older child when they come visit the baby. If they’re not cool like that, stash some presents or treats of your own, and whip them out when baby has a gift to unwrap.
Babies just aren’t that fragile!
It’s more important that your older child bond with the baby, and much of that takes place through touch. Train and teach your older kids how to hold and touch the baby. With a toddler, you may have to guide his hands or tell him to touch “Soft, like a butterfly.”
Don’t freak out whenever the older kids come around the baby, or they’ll come to resent him. You don’t want them to feel like useless, clumsy clods around the “precious” baby. It’s very hurtful to them. There were so many times that my older kids jostled the new baby like s/he was a sack of potatoes, and the baby never even woke up most of the time, much less minded.
Babies like stimulation and they find their big sibs extremely exciting! I noticed that my babies would turn their heads and follow a sibling around the room with their eyes. I made a point of saying this out loud to my older kids. I also reminded them that the baby KNEW them already because of hearing them for so many months in the womb.
They were really impressed by that.
Another thing alone these lines is, allow your toddler or older child to see and spend time with you as soon as possible after the birth. Don’t let other family members, including your husband if he’s overzealous, prevent them from reconnecting with you. Especially if you’ve been away at a hospital birth is this true. Don’t make a big deal over the new baby. Let them hug and kiss YOU and then notice the baby (who ideally should not be in your arms for this little reunion).
Don’t feel guilty.
It’s very common for moms to feel guilty about displacing their older child. I know I certainly felt this way when I was pregnant with my second child. I grieved for what I felt was a loss, and I was worried about my older son – as if he was losing something instead of gaining!
Remember that children have been dealing with the arrival of siblings since the beginning of time! They will be just fine, and will gain a playmate and perhaps a lifelong friend. Be positive about the transition and your child will likely pick up on your emotions.
Practice babywearing.
A baby sling or carrier can be invaluable for several reasons. For one, you can have your hands free in a sling, meaning you can play with a toddler almost like baby’s not there, where s/he naps peacefully. You’ll always have a free arm to pour a glass of milk, get a snack, offer a hug, a boost onto the swings, or to hold a book to read a story. Kids don’t mind so much the arrival of a new sibling as they mind the demand on your time. If you can still do most of the stuff you did before, it’s all good. 
photo credit: PhylB
Be prepared for your own emotions.
Nature has set things up so that your priority is to your newborn infant, and that’s as it should be. A lot of times we are surprised by the ferocity of our own feelings of loyalty to our new babies. It’s not that we don’t love our toddlers, because we do.
But during the early weeks, don’t be surprised at your feelings. You might see your toddler differently and are a little afraid that you’ve fallen out of love with him!
Don’t worry! These feelings will subside, and you’ll soon be seeing your toddler through normal eyes. A little extra sleep helps too!
Some recommended resources:
This book helps young children to see the “expandable” quality of a mother’s love.
I loved reading this book to kids #2 and #3 before and after baby #4 came along. They loved it too.
Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too
A wonderful book to teach you all about empathic listening and dealing with kid’s strong emotions.
Adventures in Tandem Nursing: Breastfeeding During Pregnancy and Beyond
A must read for a mom who is nursing while pregnant and wants to know “what to expect” afterwards.
This was my favorite all time sling. The unstitched style of the tail and no padding make it great for getting a truly hands free hold.
What was your experience with helping your older child make the adjustment to a new baby?
