Question:

What’s worse than having debilitating morning sickness 24 hours a day?

(Waves hand wildly.)

Oh I know! I know! Pick me! Pick me!

Having debilitating morning sickness 24 hours a day AND having a stomach flu make its way through the family!

It started off with Sadie, the 6 year old. Vomiting, diarrhea, the works. At the time she happened to be spending the night at my mother’s house. My mother offered to take care of her for me and I gratefully agreed. Sadie came home and Caleb, 13, got sick. The next day I got it.

I couldn’t keep anything down, not even fluids, for 24 hours and the next day I was as weak and dizzy as a newborn kitten. I only got out of bed to use the bathroom, and since then I’ve only been able to eat Lipton noodle soup and popsicles. I’m not winning any awards for nutrition this month, for sure.

Still, I am trying to be grateful.

1. Sadie, the one I worry about the most when she gets sick because she is the youngest non-nursing member of the family (I don’t worry about nursing babies so much because their illnesses are so mild and they never get dehydrated because breastmilk stays down so well) was well by the time she got back from my Mom’s.

2. Caleb is old enough that other than occasional checking in, he is self sufficient when sick. (Once when I fetched a blanket to put on him when he was lying on the sofa, he told me “Nevermind me mom, you go take care of yourself.” So sweet!)

3. Ruby hasn’t gotten it yet and if she does, I’ll at least be mostly well. And she is old enough now that she is happy letting my mom or her Daddy care for her in my place.

4. My husband has been right as rain so far. He puts the kids through the evening routine and rocks Ruby to sleep for me.

5. Mothers. What would we do without them? When I was too weak to stand up my mom was here cooking for everyone and playing with the baby.

It could be worse!

I complain about morning sickness. I do. (I hate calling it that, because it’s 24 hours a day for me and many women.)

But don’t misunderstand.

I’m grateful for morning sickness.

At my first prenatal appointment, my midwife couldn’t hear the baby’s heartbeat.

She told me not to worry, that you can only hear it 50% of the time at this stage, and that my uterus (which is tipped) is way down in my bowels. They would have had to skewer me with the Doppler to get at baby’s heartbeat, my own was so loud.

I had to remind myself to breathe.

Later on, on the drive home, hubby asked me if I was worried.

“No. But I would be, if I wasn’t sick 24 hours a day.”

The sickness, although a curse, is oddly comforting. It reminds me, moment by moment, of what my body is doing. It tells me that my hormone levels are high enough to sustain the pregnancy.

Last night as I lay in my bed in the dark quiet, asking the room to please stop spinning, I picked up my phone to see if there was something interesting I could watch on TED.com to distract me.

This came up.

Warning: If you get to the end of this short video without tearing up, call an ambulance. Because you have no pulse.

You know what I find interesting lately?

What people assume.

I was taught that when you assume, you make an ass+u+me.

But, I was raised right. Not everyone learned that wisdom.

I find it humorous that people assume that because you have several children, you are overwhelmed and stressed.

I am neither.

(What I am at the moment is nauseated, but that will pass.)

That having several children is “hard”.

It’s not. At least, not for me.

That they must be accidents.

That you must not understand how the plumbing works. That you’re too ignorant to use birth control.

That a 7th child in the household couldn’t have been planned.

And they would be wrong.

Call me crazy, but I have this notion that children are a blessing.

The other day when an acquaintance I hadn’t seen in a few years met my husband and found out we had 6 children together and were expecting another, she exclaimed:

“I hope you have a good job!”

(My husband said the next time someone asked him that, he would reply, “No, I just have a really good wife!” Ain’t he sweet?)

When he assured her that he was a business owner and doing quite fine, her next question was:

“Well what about health care!?”

Umm, impertinent much? I wonder if she would appreciate my asking if her husband was prepared for retirement just because he is in his 60′s?

I can’t imagine asking someone about their financial situation. I also can’t imagine making assumptions like this about people. I can’t imagine commenting on someone’s choice of family size, or birth control, or the mechanics of sex. I honestly don’t care what someone else decides to do with their life. Their choices don’t affect me.

But these are things people say to parents of large families.

The truth is, having several children makes you smarter about where your money goes. My husband and I budget carefully. Just last night we held a Couples Meeting where we discussed the budget, make adjustments, looked at our overall financial picture, and discussed our goals.

We’re doing fine. We have no credit card debt, we just paid cash for our vehicle, we recently took an 8 day vacation, we have savings on hand for emergencies and we earn more than enough to provide for our family. Considering these facts, I would say we are doing far better than many who are saddled with credit card debt and live paycheck to paycheck.

Why am I called upon to defend myself?

Do people who assume that mothers of many are unhappy and stressed simply feel threatened? Perhaps because they don’t enjoy motherhood? I never asked for the title, but several friends have dubbed me SuperMom. Would this cause another mom to feel inferior and make inappropriate comments to me?

More assumptions about large families, just for the fun of it:

• That your home must be a mess all the time
• That you live in chaos
• That you never get a quiet moment to yourself
• That you live off the government, or even better… child support (don’t make me laugh with that last one!)
• That your house is always loud and crazy
• That you don’t spent time with the children individually
• That you and your spouse can’t get alone time
• That the breadwinner works 70+ hours a week.

I suppose you can learn a lot about a person by what they assume.

No?

My standard answer to these kinds of inappropriate questions from now on? I’m going to turn it around on the person and ask them how they’re doing in that particular area. People reflect onto your their own concerns. They reflect what’s in their heart.

Comment: “Another baby?! You guys need to get the snip!”

Reply: “Actually, we planned this child and are quite happy. Are you worried about your family planning?”

Comment: “How are you guys going to pay for all those kids?”

Reply: “We’re doing fine, thanks. Are you concerned about your finances?”

What do you think?

A couple of weeks ago Sadie, 6, announced that she would make breakfast every day. I guess she figured since I’m not doing it, someone had to. And it might as well be her. I like that attitude.

This morning she made oatmeal and scrambled eggs. Everyone ate it. Except me. I had already eaten my sausage egg biscuit in bed, courtesy of hubby.

Yesterday Sadie showed me her hand. It was red, and scratched. I kissed it tenderly.

“Mom, you know that really doesn’t make it feel better.”

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

She’s growing up.

She’s more Ramona Quimby than Dora.

When did this happen?

Yesterday, just as I was getting irritated at the thought of helping her clean her room again, which I do almost every day, yet by 10 AM it looks like a tornado came through it, hip deep in detritus.

At some point mid-morning I asked her to please go clean her room for 10 minutes.

“Oh, I’ve already been cleaning it.”

I got up from my beloved spot on the couch to see if I could actually tell anything had been done.

It was spotless and completely organized.  Everything on her desk was in neat little piles. No trash or laundry or bedding or God-knows-what-else scattered everywhere.

My Grandma, for whom I am named (the Lee part, not the Alice part), has an expression for a child who seems older than her years.

Growny. Pronounced grown-ee. As in, “Look at her, she’s so growny. She cooked breakfast all by herself. Bless her heart.”

This is the same women who declared to my Father, upon hearing the news of my 6th pregnancy, “Well shut my mouth!”

I don’t know if it’s one of those funny words old Southerners say that ends up being pure perfect old English – like “reckon”, or if it’s just a made up Grandmaism.

Ruby is ready to potty train, if only her mother weren’t too sick and lazy to do it right now.

She has all the signs of readiness.

She is highly verbal. She points to her diaper and says “pee” or “poo” when the appropriate event has taken place. She resists diaper changes. She pulls the diaper off whenever possible. She says “potty”. She brings us her “Big Girls Use The Potty” books and asks us to read them to her. She finds her potties and brings them to the living room. She sits on her potties – naked or fully clothed.

When I look down at the keyboard, the letters are climbing all over each other and fuzzy. My eyes go all wonky at this point in the pregnancy. I’m not ready.

She is though.

So many times with these kids I find that by the time I get around to teaching them something, they’ve already learned it. Maybe I’ll look up in my second trimester and she will have potty trained herself.

My oldest’s voice has become so deep and manly that when he talks, sometimes I don’t recognize him and think my ex husband is in the house.  His feet are monstrous.

The 10 year old makes more money on eBay every month than I do. My 8 year old looks like a supermodel with lip gloss and dimples so big you can eat soup out of them.

These kids are too growny around here.

We would all be a lot healthier and happier if we behaved more like toddlers. I observe my 18 month old and realize that everything you need to know about relationships and emotional and physical health you can learn from them.

I offer:

We Should Be More Like Toddlers

Sit in laps often.

When you’re angry at someone, go ahead and let them know immediately. Yell at them once. Then forget it 30 seconds later.

Squat. Climb. Run. Roll around on the floor. Keep moving, until it’s time to nap. A rolling stone gathers no moss.

Get happy and excited about things like: your water cup. A puppy. Spotting the moon. Going outside. A favorite book.

Say few things. But say them so cute that everyone stops what they’re doing to listen.

Ask for what you want. Eventually, someone will appear and help you get it.

When you do something good, applaud yourself. Don’t wait for others to notice.

Eat a few bites. Then run around a lot.

If you want love, ask someone to rock you.

More about why I love toddlers.

I like reading blogger’s pregnancy updates. I like seeing (covered up) belly shots. Not that I’ll be posting any. But updates, yes.

My little prune is coming along nicely, from the feel of things. I’m sick day and night and although eating beans are helping, I still feel horrible.

How do I know they’re helping?

Because Saturday I forgot to eat beans, and Sunday was the most violently ill I’ve been so far this pregnancy.

When I lie down, my belly sticks up. My pants don’t fit, and I’m wearing a belly band to keep them from falling off unzipped. Funny how, after several babies, your body begins showing when you’re 5 minutes pregnant.

I spent most of my day trying to find something that I can tolerate eating. I take two bites then push it away.

It’s survival mode at the moment. These are the weeks of frozen waffles for the kid’s breakfasts, and paper plates. Cooking breakfast is out of the question. I tried it today, only to vomit in front of my husband and son in the kitchen trash can.

The crushing fatigue is thankfully lifting. I can get through the day without a nap. But bedtime comes at 8. Not that I fall asleep, but being still in a quiet dark room helps me deal with the intense waves of nausea that come at night.

It’s funny how you forget everything.

Like, you cannot imagine how it feels to be so severely nauseated 24 hours a day, to gag painfully every time you brush your teeth/open the fridge or dishwasher/change a diaper/smell someone’s breath. To have your food come up to your uvula several times a day, only willpower keeping it down. Make no sudden movements. It’s beyond description. Like food poisoning that lasts for months, not hours.

Then when you’re about 36 weeks pregnant it hits you.

Oh. Crap. Labor.

It suddenly dawns on you that you’re going to have to go through that pain again.

Why something as beautiful and life changing as bringing forth new life has to be accompanied by so much pain and discomfort and icki-poo-ness? I don’t get it.

And as soon as the baby comes, I’ll forget it all over again.

The kids have discovered old Cosby Show episodes on Netflix, and watching them starting from the pilot episode.

Which is fine by me. As screen time goes, they could do far worse. As it is, the oldest already knows Billy Cosby’s “Himself” routine practically verbatim. He’s getting some fresh material.

Water you doin?

Yesterday, I prayed for the sun to come out. Literally.

Today, it did.

The rain and grey was getting to me. When it lifted, I didn’t even know it had stopped. I just knew that suddenly I felt better, as if an elephant had removed itself from my chest.

Today I went outside with a blanket wrapped around me and sat on a plastic rhinoceros in my driveway. I turned it to face the sun, closed my eyes, and sat. Trying to reset myself.

Like a lizard.

I’m happy about this pregnancy, but I was hoping for it to happen a few months from now, so that I wouldn’t be going through the first trimester fog in the worst part of the year (for me).

One thing I’m thankful for: that the horrible, crippling nausea and vomiting I suffered with my other pregnancies is not with me this time. I have just enough nausea so that I’m not worried about my hormones being strong (that, and it took .005 seconds for the double pink line to show up on the test on the 28th day of my last cycle).

Nap. Sleep. Nap. Sleep.

Sing songs about Mr. Sun to Ruby. (An incantation?)

Linking up with just write.

This week’s Green Moms Weekly post has to do with a topic that’s an old favorite for many:

Cloth Diapering.

“What do you say to people who can’t wrap their head around the cloth diapering phenomena? Give some simple and positive examples of how cloth diapering can benefit both mom and baby.”

When many people think of cloth diapering, they envision large cotton diapers that must be folded and pinned on, and “rubber pants” to go on top, and the inevitable toilet dunking.

The truth is that the cloth diapers most modern parents use are quite high tech. They use snaps, not pins. They feature fabrics that dry quickly and feel dry against baby’s skin. And there is no reason to dunk a diaper in the toilet if you don’t want to. Using cloth diaper liners or a diaper sprayer eliminate the need for this.

As for cloth diapers being complicated, well… my 13 year old, 10 year old and 8 year old all change diapers occasionally. It couldn’t be that difficult.

Cloth diapering actually makes your life simpler in a couple of ways.

The joy of big brothers

Fewer trips to the store. There’s no “running out” of cloth diapers. You simply start a load and wash them when your stash looks small. Unless you are without a washer and dryer, this saves you another errand.

Breastfeeding confidence. When I did work as a breastfeeding counselor, I was sometimes frustrated when I asked a mom how many diapers her little one was producing. This is a good way of measuring “output” and restoring a mom’s confidence that she indeed does have enough milk. But with disposables, it’s difficult for a mom to tell how many times baby has wet.

When you cloth diaper a newborn, you may change that baby a dozen times a day. There is no doubt of adequate milk supply when you are doing that, because what comes out must have gone in! But with disposable diapers, a baby can wet a few times without mom changing her. Besides the grossness factor of a baby sitting around in urine far longer than it needs to, this can undermine breastfeeding success. Mom thinks baby isn’t getting enough, supplements with formula, which then does lower her supply, and then weans. It’s self fulfilling prophecy.

Less rash. Cloth diapered babies almost always get less rash. (If they get rash, it’s usually because of the detergent used to wash them, and easily remedied by using something with no fragrance or additives.)

Ruby happens to have the most sensitive skin of my other babies, but the only time she has gotten a tiny bit rashy was when she wore a diaper too long (i.e, when she’s with Daddy for a few hours!). Letting her run around commando for awhile takes care of it.

I’ve never worn a disposable diaper. Well, except that one time my water broke in the middle of the night and I needed something to put in my undies to catch the leaking.

But, I DO wear cloth menstrual pads, and I can tell you that they FEEL and SMELL sooooo much nicer than disposable pads. It follows that cloth diapers must feel more comfy than disposables. Cloth lets your skin “breathe”, which results in less odor and less rash.

Cloth diapered babies train younger. This is an often overlooked benefit of cloth diapering, but to me it’s no small thing. Studies, and the experience of millions of cloth diapering moms tell us that cloth diapered babies potty train several months earlier than babies in disposable diapers.

Changing a 3 year old’s diaper is something I’ve never experienced, nor do I want to. It’s quite telling that (that evil contraption invented by the devil commonly known as) PullUps go up to a size 5T.

Somewhere around 15 months of age, my cloth diapered babies began pulling their diaper off when they were wet or in some other way communicating that they wanted to be free of the diaper when it was wet. Ruby has been doing this for months. And all of my babies were potty trained at age 2.

Of course, I haven’t even mentioned that cloth diapers are far more economical, better for the environment.

It baffles me that some find cloth diapering gross. The selective squeamishness and irrationality of this is plain. Which is more gross? Putting human excrement in the toilet or sewer system, or putting it in the TRASH?

Enough said.

Check out what the other Green Moms are saying about cloth diapers and:

Rachel on Why Cloth Diaper?

Monday night I joined a dozen or so fellow Atlantans for a meetup at a local coffee shop (that overspilled into a restaurant). We got together to meet Ryan Nicodemus and Joshua Fields Millburn of The Minimalists.

It was fun. But I felt a little like the odd man out.

Everyone there, it seemed, was trying hard to simplify their life. They were “minimalists at heart”, or thought the idea was cute or intriguing, but didn’t know quite how to apply it.

As the evening played on, people shuffled out, and finally there was a small group of 6 of us. I heard stories of tragedy and crisis that made people want to make changes in their life. A desire to figure out what’s important motivated them.

In my case, I already know what’s truly important. I always have.

Perhaps it’s because of my religious background (Jesus was certainly a minimalist when he walked the earth), or because of my upbringing, but I’ve been a minimalist since I was a child.

I was describing myself as a minimalist before I knew it was a “thing”.  Minimalism has enabled me to do things that many other people think are… well, a little nuts.

But that’s kind of the point.

Last night Joshua kept saying, “It’s not really about the stuff.” Meaning that everyone knows how to get rid of clutter. The bigger question is why they don’t. What are the emotions attached to the stuff? And what is it you really want?

I know what I really want. I want to focus on my family. I want a peaceful, unstressful life.  I don’t want a visually cluttered home, or a cluttered schedule. I don’t want to spend a lot of time cleaning stuff, moving stuff around, packing stuff up. I would rather grab a kid or two and read a great book. Or cook something for my family.

And so I have carved that out for myself.

It’s funny. When people find out that I have 6 children, and that I homeschool, and run this blog (and other websites), they always say the same thing. “Wow. You’re busy!” And yet, I might be less “busy” than they are. Because I make it that way. I don’t swallow the bitter cultural pill of “busy”. It’s almost like a competition with some people. Do you hear the way they talk about it? About how busy they are, as if it was something to be proud of?

Keeping life simple has made having a large family fun instead of stressful. It’s made homeschooling possible. It’s also given me a husband who is able to support our family without killing himself working 70, 80 hours a week.

I offer:

How To Be a Minimalist Parent

1. Rethink everything society has taught you about what kids “need”.

“A newborn baby has only three demands. They are warmth in the arms of its mother, food from her breasts, and security in the knowledge of her presence. Breastfeeding satisfies all three.” –

Grantly Dick-Read, author of Childbirth Without Fear

A lot of what we think kids need in order to be happy and well adjusted is simply this: what we can afford to give them. But is that really true?

Children don’t need Nintendo.  They don’t need TV (we haven’t had cable or TV for years). They don’t need iPods and other gadgets that let them be alone even while with the family.

They need parents who are available and engaged (enough). They don’t need a lot of extracurricular activities. They do need plenty of time – preferably, several hours a day – to just be kids and play. (And I’m talking about doing their own thing play, not adult directed play. That doesn’t count!)

Think back to your own childhood, if it was a happy one. What did you have? What did you need?

Children need freedom within proper boundaries. They need a consistent full time caregiver. Hopefully this is their own imperfect mom. They don’t need their own bedroom or expensive wardrobes.They need healthy, home cooked food (at least most of the time).

Kids need parents who enjoy being parents, who find their kids charming because they’ve taken the time to make them so. (Meaning if you don’t like your kids and enjoy their company, it’s your own fault.)

2) When you need stuff, try to borrow it. Then, get rid of it as soon as you don’t need it.

When you have kids, clutter seems to be attracted to your home. I find that I have to beat it back constantly. Of course, when you have children you do need more stuff than when you don’t have kids. But you can always get the stuff you need, then get rid of it as soon as its purpose is extinguished. Saving stuff for subsequent children isn’t always a good idea. I list some of the reasons why here.

I have a penchant for books. But this year I’ve gotten rid of a ton (notice empty bookshelves in the picture above), only keeping books that I refer to regularly and books that the kids read over and over. We get books from the library, and I download them to my Nook.

A word about toys: Kids will love and play with their toys more when they have less. Choose a few classic, well made toys that don’t do anything on their own. Wooden blocks, LEGO, board games are the big hits here. My girls play with their dolls, and they draw and read a lot. Mostly we talk, go outside, spend time playing with the baby.

Don’t hold on to stuff that drags on your energy even if it’s valuable. I recently got rid of all my kid’s off season/hand me down clothing, and I love the feeling I still get from that.

People will give you lots of stuff when you have kids, which is a blessing. It’s also a curse, especially if they don’t understand your need for minimalism, and the life values you’re trying to teach your children. Don’t feel guilty about getting rid of stuff that you don’t need. Bless someone else with it. Giving is relinquishing ownership (at least, it should be). Therefore, if someone gives you something, what you do with it after that is your business.

3) Slow down. Do less. BE more.

If you have to keep some kind of complicated system to keep up with your and your kid’s appointments, maybe you have too much going on.

Just like organizing is simple when you have only the necessities, living a life in harmony with your highest values is easy when you don’t have a jam packed schedule. Any parent to babies and toddlers can tell you that they don’t like to rush around running errands and such. What’s less commonly known is that older kids don’t like it either.

The system we live in is designed to keep people so distracted, stressed and “busy” that they don’t connect with one another (much less their Creator). It’s possible to unsubscribe from all that.

More:

A simple kind of mom

Minimalist parenting (great tips about handling gift giving).

Attachment parenting and minimalism

Simple beauty

What do you think? Do you lean towards minimalism in your parenting? Why do you think the “simple life” is growing in popularity?

Two weeks ago, we got rid of the kid’s Nintendo DS devices.

We did it with no crying, no whining, no begging… actually, no drama to speak of.

But first, the backstory.

Years ago, when I first became a mom, I made a declaration in my home. 

What was it?

That I would never live in a home with a Nintendo video game system.

I really don’t like video games. For several reasons. I believe that video games are highly addictive, that they displace other, healthier activities, that they encourage a kind of vampirish sedentary dark lifestyle (I have several friends I grew up with who fit this description, they were so addicted to gaming that they couldn’t lead normal lives, hold jobs, get to school, etc), that they encourage the philosophy of “I must be entertained every second of the day“.

More on this: My interview with Kim McDaniel , author of Video Games and Your Kids

Also, because they cause children to constantly test and push and disobey and sneak around boundaries. (Because they’re addictive, so the user acts like an addict – needing bigger fixes to make them happy, sneaky behavior that causes problems with family relationships, ignoring authority, etc).

That was my stand, despite the fact that my oldest son began to notice video games, gaming systems, and handhelds several years ago. I held my ground and stayed firm. No video games. I didn’t mind if he played occasionally at a friend’s house, or at Grandma’s house, I didn’t mind computer games, and I would even take him to an arcade periodically and give him quarters. But just not at MY house.

A few years passed. Then my youngest nephew, who is one year older than my oldest son, gave him his old, beat up, retired Nintendo DS.

I wish so much that I had politely explained to him that, while I appreciated his kindness, we had made the decision not to have video games in our home.

But, I didn’t.

Looking back, I’m not sure why.  I was a single mom at the time, and maybe I felt inappropriate guilt. Maybe I was so broke that I thought it would be good free entertainment. Maybe I didn’t have the inner strength at the time to risk offending my nephew and sister and brother-in-law, all of whom I adore.

I’m not sure.

But my son was the proud owner of a Nintendo DS. Of course, his younger brother noticed, and the thing soon became a source of conflict in their otherwise very peaceful relationship. I had to constantly mitigate sharing and fights about the thing. Guess what? Oldest told me he was willing to give his brother the DS, and he would earn the money to buy a new to him/used one on eBay. What mom could say no to that proposition? It made my heart soar to hear that he was willing to give his little brother his old system. So I allowed it.

I started hating how much time they spent playing, however. I missed their conversation. I tried to set limits, but they were constantly disobeying me (which wasn’t typical of either of them). At the same time, when they played DS side by side, there were no arguments. They got along perfectly, silenced and couched by the gizmos. It was creepy, but the peacefulness was …. kinda nice. I tolerated it. I set limits. (No DS on Thursday or Sunday, and only 45 minutes a day.) I made them play outside. I reminded them that chores came before DS time.

I married a wonderful man who is a Luddite like myself, but whose daughter also had a Nintendo DS that was purchased for her by another adult, and which he also hated. Now we had 3 kids playing.

The DSs were eventually upgraded to DSis, courtesy of a relative. They were supposed to be “for traveling”, to keep the kids happy in the car. But they ended up being given to them for everyday use.

Then, my ex-husband bought my (then) 7 year old daughter a DSi. She was really too young for it, because a couple of weeks later she lost it and it stayed lost for months. She finally found it and took up playing. While not as addicted as my sons, I was still frequently having to tear her away from it at mealtimes, in the car, at bedtime. I would find her sneaking to watch it.

Then somehow, I still can’t remember how it happened, my 5 year old ended up with a GameBoy!

Every day my husband and I would lament these devices that came into our homes and our lives and in the way of our relationships with our children, via other people. How did we let this happen? We both hated them with a passion.

We hated the way the kids wouldn’t respond when we called them. We had to say their names several times before we got a response, their faces hypnotized to the screen.

We hated the way the kids would play in the car. We actually preferred them fighting than the eery silence and beeping and annoying techno music of games.

We got tired of asking them to turn it down/turn it off/go outside and play/do your chore/ do your schoolwork/ it’s time for dinner.

We had to discipline them all the time because they would sneak and play for hours at night or early in the morning. The limits we tried to set to avoid having them take up every spare second of the day and night playing were constantly ignored, stretched or disobeyed.

The final straw?

The kids were able to get online on their phones, view things we didn’t approve of, and watch movies via our Netflix account. A friend whom we had formerly been so impressed with stayed the night, and watched an extremely inappropriate movie on my son’s Nintendo. His brother and my sons told him not to (and didn’t join him in viewing it), but still. This put me in the very uncomfortable position of having to call my friend, his mother, and tell her what he had done.

He has since apologized and all is forgiven, but still. I don’t like that my kids were able to have the world wide web in the palm of their hands. They’re too young to see and hear all that’s out there. And it’s my job to protect them until they’re old enough to make these choices on their own.

Enough was enough.

I wanted my kids back.

I decided to kill Nintendo.

I told my husband a few weeks ago that I was going to sell the Nintendos and use the money to buy the kids an air hockey table (something they had wanted for a long time).

I don’t think he believed me at first. And he was expecting there to be tantrums, tears and begging. He probably thought I was upset, and would back down later.

Nope. I had never been more rational in my life.

The next day I texted him to say that the conversation went better than I expected. That the kids didn’t even disagree with me when I told them that the Nintendos were something I told myself I would never have in my home, and that I had done wrong by them by allowing the Nintendos to take over our lives. That I had not been true to my values. I apologized for my weakness, for not having the backbone and guts to say “No” to things that I thought weren’t good for them.

I told them that the DSs were going to be sold on eBay. That they could keep the money and buy an air hockey table, or whatever they wanted.

You know what? I think they were relieved. Not one of them even tried to fight me on the issue.

After some discussion, they did ask if they could keep just one of the Nintendos, leave it at Grandma’s, and only use it when we are traveling a long distance in the car. I said yes. And they can still play Wii at their Grandma’s, and other video games at their Dad’s.

Since the two week period since this all took place, I can’t see that they have even missed their Nintendos. They simply haven’t brought it up.

Interestingly, the day after we killed Nintendo, my oldest son built a teepee outside. By hand.He’s playing the piano more. There’s more reading. More board games. More conversation.

We instituted Screen Free Sundays, where all day we enjoy a screen sabbatical – even the adults. No computers, no laptops, no cell phones even! We wanted to make sure the kids knew we were serious about limiting screentime, and weren’t addicted ourselves.

The last two Sundays have been some of the most enjoyable we’ve had as a family. One Sunday we had a “Staycation”. Another one, we sat around and read, talked, walked outside, and just enjoyed each other. No screens to distract us from one another. It’s so peaceful.

I think that many parents are uncomfortable with video games, and aren’t sure why. It’s just a gut dislike. There isn’t anything else in my children’s lives that I feel so uncomfortable with. But it’s so easy to become complacent when everyone else is doing it. When it keeps them quiet, and does our jobs for us. Parenting is hard work sometimes, and it’s tempting to let them do whatever just to keep them quiet.

So I’m not judgmental of parents who are ok with their kids having video game devices or systems, or for parents who enjoy playing them with their kids. That’s cool. It just wasn’t good for my family.

I killed Nintendo, and survived.

photo credit: nezumichuu

This week’s Green Moms Weekly post touches on a subject that is hotly debated amongst parents: CoSleeping.

I’ll never forget the time a friend cornered my husband and asked him where the baby was sleeping. When my husband told him, he got agitated and began to regale him of the dangers of cosleeping on one’s marriage.

(Not to be snarky, but one of this man’s children, a son, was arrested and imprisoned last year for killing a cop. His other daughter had a baby out of wedlock. Nobody’s lining up to ask him for parenting wisdom, to be sure. Oh, and the marriage has been in trouble for years too. If something was going wrong in that family, it sure wasn’t about where baby slept at night!)

But this week we aren’t talking about just any of the “negatives” that people bring up against cosleeping. Just one, in particular.

Safety concerns.

In light of recent controversial co-sleeping ads, what would you say as a proponent for co-sleeping safely?

What would I say? I would say Poppycock.

Well, that was easy.

Seriously though. I’ve read a few outstanding articles on this topic in the past week. I’ll link to those first and then share my thoughts.

First is PhDinParenting’s comparison of car travel and cosleeping.

Her basic point is that EVERYTHING we do has some element of risk.

Cribs can cause death (every month when I step into Target, I see another crib recall posted on the wall), driving in cars can cause death, pregnancy and birth can cause death! We don’t tell parents to stop driving, getting pregnant, or giving birth.

We tell them how to do those things safely.

Tiffany at The Attached Parent wrote her thoughts on safe cosleeping here. I love how she makes the very important, but often overlooked connection between who is funding the study and the supposed “outcomes” of these studies.

Follow the money.

Often when you do so you find a pile of poop referred to as a conflict of interest.

Here is an interview I did with the creators of the Arm’s Reach Co-Sleeper. (It’s transcribed if you don’t have time to listen.)

I wrote this post back in 2007 entitled: safe cosleeping is safe.

By the way, if you want to read more from a true expert, read every word you can by Dr. James McKenna. The man has spent more time studying the science of mother and baby sleep than anyone in the world.  A list of safe cosleeping guidelines are posted on his site, The Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory.

My experiences and thoughts:

1- I’ve coslept with 5 babies so far. (I was a cosleeping baby/toddler too.)

What I’ve noticed is that cosleeping keeps me in tune with my baby, and my baby in tune with me, all night long. This doesn’t just occur during the few months postpartum, or even when baby is still breastfeeding. In 13 years of mothering, I CANNOT COUNT how many times I have awakened with a sense that something was “off”, and seconds later heard a child vomiting, or otherwise distressed, nearby. Would my baby have been safer if they were vomiting in another room alone?

In my own very unscientific “study”, having had 2 husbands and therefore 2 cosleeping daddies, I’ve found that Dads are just as aware of baby’s body too. I’ve never had a Dad hit or roll over on or otherwise endanger a baby. They become more sensitive to baby also.

2 – Cosleeping is not perfect, but it is a far better alternative than cry it out.

As an example, I’ll use my stepdaughter. My husband is a very gentle minded parent. For the first few months of his daughter’s life, it was HE who got up in the night to parent and feed little Z. This is remarkable especially considering he was working 2 jobs at the time, and his wife was a stay at home mom.

He has shared with me that he looks back with regret at the way little Z was “sleep trained” by her mother after she was weaned (around 4 months old). Her mother resorted to Cry it Out. He has told me that it was physically painful for him, listening to his baby cry that way,  that it felt like a knife twisting inside him, and he protested often, but finally acquiesced to his wife to keep the peace. She kept insisting that the “Doctor said this was best”, and he felt powerless to do anything about it. He was likely horribly sleep deprived at this point himself.

If his then wife had been willing to cosleep, everyone in the family would have gotten more rest, and my stepdaughter, as a tiny infant, would not have been forced to scream, cry, and finally sink into depression (because that is what happens when babies cry it out). It grieves me to even think about it.

3 -  The “overlying” argument is patently ridiculous.

Nobody has a problem with people sleeping with their dogs and cats. (Which seems perfectly gross to me!) There are no campaigns by the powers that be to convince pet owners that they might accidentally suffocate their pet.

Why?

Because people are aware, even in their sleep, of their bodies and of other bodies.

I’ve never accidentally sleep on top of my husband’s thigh, or his bicep (two things roughly the size of a baby), because I know where they are on the bed in relation to me, even while I sleep.

I’ve also never fallen out of bed. Why? Because even in a deep sleep, I know where the edge of the bed is!

The only people who should not sleep with their babies are: drunk people (who shouldn’t be taking care of babies, period, day or night), people who smoke (even if they don’t smoke around baby, particulates stay on their bodies and hair and there is an increase of SIDS among smoking parents), people who take drugs to knock them out or otherwise alter consciousness and normal brain function (I had a friend who jumped out of a window while on Ambien. Ahem.) and lastly, the morbidly obese or others who, due to health conditions, may not be aware of their OWN bodies.

Sadly, throughout the years “overlying” has been a coverup for “infanticide”.   It’s nearly impossible to prove that when a mother kills her own child by putting a pillow over its face and says she accidentally smothered him in her sleep, that she is lying (or, drunk or high at the time of baby’s death).

4 – Everyone cosleeps anyway, why not educate parents on how to make it safer?

Depending on which study you read, over 90%  of parents cosleep either all or part of the time. Because there is such a stigma attached, a parent filling out a study will often not admit to cosleeping, because their child starts off in their own bed, but crawls into their bed at some point during the night. It’s difficult to study cosleeping because of this.

5 – Cosleeping means mom gets more sleep. Isn’t sleep deprivation dangerous too?

Personally, due to a late night out or a sick child, I’ve lost a lot of sleep and felt the effects the next day. Sleep deprivation can make you walk sloppy, make poor decisions, have accidents, and be more likely to abuse your child.

Driving while sleepy is especially dangerous, and most parents have to drive every day. Isn’t it safer to sleep where everyone gets the most sleep, rather than try to get baby to stay in a crib, wake up and sit up for night feedings (and risk falling asleep in a rocking chair, which is far more dangerous than any other sleeping arrangement), and be a zombie?

6 – Breastfeeding is safer than formula feeding, and cosleeping is good for breastfeeding.

Cosleeping “couples” breastfeed more often. Experts like James McKenna and Dr. William Sears claim that since cosleeping babies sleep “lighter” and are stimulated by mom’s breathing and movement, they don’t get into the dangerously deep sleep characteristic of formula fed babies and “forget” to breathe and/or wake up. Therefore, breastfed babies are less likely to die of SIDS.

SIDS used to be called “Crib Death” a generation ago. Isn’t that interesting. I wonder what agencies were behind the change?

7 – Anti-cosleeping campaigns are culturally illiterate and insensitive

Asians cosleep more than Westerners, and their SIDS rates are lower. African-Americans cosleep more than whites, as a general rule.  So do Latinos. In fact, Americans are the only people in the world who are opposed to cosleeping.

Interestingly, cosleeping was the norm in this country until fairly recently. Ever read a Little House on the Prairie book? Where did the babies, toddlers, and children sleep? (Answer: In mom and dad’s bed, and then they graduated to a sibling’s bed.)

Now, for a few safe cosleeping tips:

• Use a firm mattress  (waterbeds and fluffy beds are a no-no)
• Don’t use heavy or fluffy bedding (dress mom and baby warmly and have one light blanket in winter)
• Make sure there is no space where baby could be trapped (such as between the mattress and headboard, mattress and frame, or mattress and wall).
• Use one or no pillows for the adults and nothing else on the bed (such as those long blind pull cords) that baby could could get entangled in
• Use common sense! No boozing, smoking, no drugs.

And finally, even though it has nothing to do with safety, I’ll address cosleeping and sex.

Let me make this clear: Sleeping and sex have nothing to do with each other. I don’t sleep during sex, and neither should you.

One of the things that can be the most guilt inducing when you have several children is the issue of one on one time with individual children.
I’ve even seen mothers of just two kids ask how to accomplish this.

I have 6 kids.

If I said that I never once worried that each of my children gets enough face time with me, I’d be lying. Of course I’ve had that concern.

But for the most part, I don’t worry about finding one on one time with individual kids on a regular basis.

For one, the idea of individual time is overstated. Kids don’t need it as much as many people think they do. It’s more important that the kids know they can come to you when they do need you.

That has to do with the quality of your relationship, not the number of siblings they have.

Secondly, I remember feeling worried and sad while pregnant with my second baby. Why?

Even though I planned my second child and was very happy about his arrival, I was concerned about my firstborn losing out on alone time with me!

Looking back I know this was silly, because I had plenty of time to share with both of them, and they benefit immeasurably from the sibling relationship.

I didn’t have this same fear with subsequent pregnancies. We moms are always feeling guilty about something, and many times our fears are perfectly irrational.

Thirdly, I don’t worry about it because I find that if I listen, my kids let me know when they need some one on one time.

Since each kid is different I don’t worry about scheduling it in. I just keep my eyes and ears open for the signs. Older kids will come right out and ask me (Mo-om! Can I come with you to the store? Just me?), and younger kids will show me with their behavior.

Here are some of the ways I fit in one on one time with my kids:

- Walks. I walk around my neighborhood and every day I ask one kid to accompany me (the toddler always comes too but she doesn’t interrupt!) and we talk one on one for that time.

- Errands. When I’m running a quick errand I’ll often leave all the kids home with hubs, except one, and take that child with me. They might get a Starbucks cocoa or something as a little treat.

- Bedtime. Sometimes I’ll crawl into bed with one kid and read and cuddle with them for a few minutes.

- Early Morning. One of my kids is an early riser and since I get up super early, I think he gets up first just so he can chat with me. He is my second baby, I mentioned him earlier. He used to stay awake late at night long after his big brother (my first) was asleep, and I always said he did it just to be alone with me!

- Other Adults. Since I’m in a blended family, my kids go to their non-custodial parents periodically for visits. They also go overnight to their grandparent’s home. They have lots of other caring adults who love them and certainly don’t lack attention. Sometimes when a couple of my bio kids are gone to their Dad’s, I get to cherish some more time with them individually. My boys even crave one on one time with their stepfather. When he announces he’s heading out on an errand, they rush to be the one chosen to accompany him.

- Read Aloud. Sometimes when a few of the kids are otherwise engaged in play, one child will bring me a book and ask me to read to them. I’m currently reading James and the Giant Peach – but just to my 10 year old son, not the other kids. (I’m reading Nurse Matilda to the girls, and Julie of the Wolves to all of them. Can you tell I love read aloud?) Even this little patch of time is precious to me, and to that child.

- Affection and Eye Contact. A child’s bucket is filled when they get plenty of physical affection, eye contact and your attention when they talk to you about what’s important to them. “Individual attention” can take place with just a few moments here and there.

What say you? Do you think the importance of one on one time is overrated? How do you manage to fit in individual time with your kids?

This week’s Green Moms Weekly topic is timely, since many of you will be doing lots of visiting during the holiday season.

What type of topics in natural parenting cause opposition among family and friends and how do you handle it?

Wow. This really is a toughie. None of us wants to be different, singled out as the weird one in the family.Yet we want to remain true to our own parenting decisions. We have a moral imperative to do what we feel is right with our own children.

Here are some of the big ticket issues that many parents have found that run counter to standard parenting practice, and a few words of advice on how to handle unsupportive family.

Breastfeeding

Nothing makes the relatives choke on their turkey dinner like feeding the baby anywhere and anytime, it seems! This may be the biggest one, since breastfeeding is so obviously best and it’s so close to a woman’s heart.Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last 100 years, you know that few things are more established in the medical community and the school of common sense than this fact.

Any mother who knew consciously that breastfeeding is right and good for her child, and that formula is very much sub par, and yet didn’t want to breastfeed, because she has body image issues and thinks it’s “icky”, is likely to have “issues” (coughcough) around the topic. Meaning she can’t think rationally, only emotionally. Meaning she may have a problem with you breastfeeding around her.

And those mothers who knew breastfeeding is best but who lacked good information and support and therefore failed in her attempts to do so, will also have sadness and grief. This is the same kind of feeling you may get around a friend who struggles with infertility, and you’re pregnant. Again.

It grieves me to see the lengths women sometimes go to to avoid breastfeeding in public. Where else should a woman feel safe to nurture her baby than around her family?

When it comes to family being unsupportive of breastfeeding, I say go with your own comfort level. If feeding the baby in the same room as your family will cause you to have toxic emotions and total discomfort, then take it elsewhere. It’s not a political statement to duck into a spare bedroom to nurse your baby in peace and comfort. It’s a gastrointestinal one. If your mind and emotions will be so disturbed by the possibility of questions and criticism, that isn’t good for your health or baby’s.

With younger babies, you may be able to be discreet and nurse wherever you are, just turning away from the group for a moment to latch on, then settling your clothes around baby’s face. Older babies, of course, won’t stand for it. In this case I recommend using a sling, especially a ring sling like the Maya Wrap. Many times I’ve nursed a baby in the Maya and noone around me was the wiser.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Is that baby still nursing? Is he sleeping through the night yet? Where does she sleep?  How did he do with the shots? And my personal favorite, “Is he a GOOD baby?” (I cringe inside and fight the urge to slap anyone who says this. My answer is always the same. “Well, he hasn’t robbed any banks lately!” As if a baby, a gift from God, could ever be anything less than “good”!?)

Questions this impertinent don’t deserve a response, at least not an honest one. Learn to change the subject, defer to the imaginary “Doctor” (the Doctor can be Dr. Sears or any other parenting expert with letters after his or her name whom you respect), your spouse or just simply avoid the topic at all costs. It’s nobody’s business where your baby sleeps, whether you and your beloved are having any sex due to baby’s sleep location, whether your yoni is healed up yet, whether your nipples are sore, etc.

If you don’t know how to change the subject when someone is being rude and nosy, I recommend reading Jane Austen’s novels to learn this art of verbal judo.

If you know a topic is going to trigger a heated response (for instance, you don’t vaccinate but your sister in law is a nurse who thinks you’re killing your children, or you homebirth and your mother in law thinks the only proper way for a lady to bring children to bear is knocked out for two days), simply avoid it at all costs.

“Margaret, If you cannot think of anything appropriate to say you will please restrict your remarks to the weather. “

Mrs. Dashwood, Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen

One very important thing to remember is that whenever we make a decision, we are by default condemning the other person’s decision.

Even if we aren’t judgmental, if we do something that we feel is “right”, then automatically the other party thinks we deem their decision “wrong”. (And to be quite honest, we do.) That doesn’t mean we don’t love our families or respect their decisions.

But keeping this firmly in mind helps us to be empathic when others get riled up by our personal choices. We have to realize that by making a different decision, they may feel judged by us.

Eating, Discipline, Homeschooling, And Everything Else

I’ve written 893 words and have barely touched on these other topics. Honestly, it doesn’t matter because the same principles apply no matter what the controversy.

As parents, we have the right to make decisions that we believe are in the best interests of our children. Unapologetically. If brother in law works for the Board of Education and we unschool, that’s ok. If Auntie carries a hickory switch in her purse for errant toddlers and we use gentle discipline, that’s ok too. If Grandma keeps bags of candy everywhere and we don’t keep junk food in the house, that can be worked around as well.

Here is a quick formula to use when in doubt. If someone is criticizing your parenting, or making unhelpful comments or offering unsolicited advice, do this:

1) Make a positive statement about the person.

2) Restate their position.

3) Restate yours.

4) If necessary, Repeat. (You may have to be a broken record, but don’t change your position.)

So it could look like this:

“My dearest mother in law, I appreciate how concerned you are about little Johnny. You obviously did a wonderful job with big Johnny, which is why I love him so much. And you worry that little Johnny isn’t getting enough to eat and is nursing too often. Our Doctor has assured us that little Johnny will get plenty to eat if he is breastfed on cue, without any supplements, and that it’s best to delay solids until 6 months. So we will continue to nurse him as often as he wants to, without offering solids until he is 6 months old. And I assure you I’m getting plenty of rest, since big Johnny is so helpful with the baby!”

Did you see it?

This works no matter what the topic.

Here’s another.

I call it The Bobblehead.

It works well for people you won’t see often, like strangers. You don’t need to go into a long explanation with someone like this, since you don’t owe them anything.

With this one, simply nod your head repeatedly like a Bobblehead doll, and say:

“I’ll take that into consideration.”

Then walk away, and do whatever you please.

How do you handle relatives who are unsupportive of your parenting choices?

Related to unsupportive family:

- What Other People Think – Which type of mommy are you?

- Boundaries and Negative People – This links to a podcast interview that is now dead, but has good info and two great book recommendations.

- Nursing – To Cover Up or Not To Cover Up – thoughts to think on about nursing covers

- Holiday Babywearing  - why babywearing is so helpful during the holidays

Have you ever read Seth Godin’s blog? He sometimes mentions “things that are broken“. It’s all about dumb things that marketers and governments do that just don’t work. The video is fun too.

As a mom, I’ve discovered plenty of things through the years that are broken. They just don’t work. At least, for me.

• Piggy banks. These are cute and fun to buy, but scarcely a week goes by until they’re busted open by the toddler. Also, it annoys me that the kids will open and reopen and steal from their savings all the time. So I keep their savings safe online at ING.
• Puzzles. I love to buy puzzles for the kids. I feel so artsy and stuff. But by the third day after bringing them home, several of the pieces have been chewed by the youngest child, a few have been kicked under furniture only to be retrieved next spring cleaning, and by then I’ve thrown it away since several pieces were missing.
• Robes. Robes seem like a good idea. Something for a kid to wear after a bath or shower, on his or her way to their bedroom. Maybe even saves a bit on towel laundry? Nah. Never works. The younger kids forget to use ‘em, and the older kids never want to get dressed when they have ‘em.
• Slippers. Ditto. The idea of kids in bunny slippers. So cute. But seriously, do I need more shoes around here to keep up with and put away? And what is the point of slippers, anyway? Around here they aren’t actually used, they’re just lost under beds gathering huge balls of dust.
• Galoshes. It just doesn’t rain enough here in Georgia to justify owning these. Again, they’re so darn cute. Grandmas buy them by the dozen each spring. But my kids don’t go outside when it rains. They hunker down with books and hot tea. If they DO venture outside, it’s to take a mud bath with one another, and footwear is not a requirement. Socks are part of the mudfight uniform, though!
  
• Complicated Chore Charts. Nah. I’m too tired lazy busy to keep up with that. I don’t even have the initiative to switch their chores periodically. I think it would be a good idea though, especially for the boys. They might be motivated to sit to pee if they had to clean up the puddles. And the girls might settle for only 3 changes of clothing a day if they had laundry duty.
• Reward Systems. Ditto. Around here it’s pretty simple. Obey? You get to keep living. Disobey? You don’t wanna know. (Nah, I wish I were that hardnosed. It’s more like obey? You get to keep all of your allowance and get that coveted kid’s cocoa from Starbucks. Disobey? Pick a slip of paper from the chore jar. (That dreaded glass jar of doom!) But, y’know, a mom can dream.)
• Outdoor vinyl blow up toys (slip n slide). These things are used for about 15 minutes each summer, then they sit outside to gather all the mud, leaves and rocks in the neighborhood. Finally when it’s slimy enough, me or hubby drag it to the trash can.

What things are broken around your home?

This week’s Green Moms Weekly has to do with pregnancy choices and attachment parenting.

Why is it as important to begin your journey as an attachment parent during pregnancy as it is after the birth of your baby?

To answer it simply:

Because pregnancy and childbirth choices affect mothering style.

Here are a few examples.

• Time and time again, breastfeeding educators find that babies born to Mothers who choose painkilling medications during labor have more difficulty getting baby to breastfeed. An emergency Cesarean section may be beyond your control, however, women can control to some extent the outcome of their births by doing some of the following things:
• Attend birth preparedness classes. These teach you that birth is a normal physiologic event in a woman’s life, not an emergency or medical event.
• For the same reason, watch videos of home births. Read birth stories.
• Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for a natural birth. Read how to have natural childbirth. Read more about the connection between breastfeeding and childbirth here.
• Attend a La Leche League meeting (or several). Not only will this experience help you be more comfortable breastfeeding in public, but simply being around a lot of nursing mothers will help you learn the art of breastfeeding. There are a lot of other things you can learn by attending La Leche League meetings, such as help with babywearing, positive discipline styles, and more.
• Avoid unnecessary tests and medical procedures during pregnancy. Do your research, and question everything. Just because something is standard operating procedure doesn’t mean it’s best for you and your baby. In some cases, hospitals do things just to “cover their assets”, and there is no proof that the procedure leads to better outcomes! Labor induction is an example. So is maternal shaving, episiotomy, refusing food to a laboring woman, continuous fetal monitoring, and more.
• (Cloth diapering is not a tenet of attachment parenting, however the use of greener and safer products for baby is something that many AP parents have in common.) Believe it or not, even something as simple as the decision to use cloth diapers can affect breastfeeding success. Why? Because when a mother uses cloth diapers, she is changing a dozen very wet diapers a day. A brand new mom, unsure of herself and her breastfeeding ability, can SEE the “outgo” and knows that plenty of milk must have gone in!

  Disposable diapers make it very difficult to monitor milk supply and baby’s output. Most of the time you cannot tell if baby has urinated once, only several times. This causes some new moms to doubt their ability to produce enough milk for their babies, leading to unnecessary supplementation, which leads to a true decrease in supply, which leads to early weaning. Is it any coincidence that the heavy use of disposable diapers in this country coincided with dropping rates of breastfeeding? I don’t think so.

• Use your pregnancy to do research. Pregnancy is a time to get things done. You have 9 months to prepare for the little person coming into your life. Use it wisely. Read, research and talk to mothers you admire. Decide how you will handle things ahead of time (as best you can), and you’ll be more prepared to make good decisions after baby’s arrival when you’re tired and hormonal.

  Say no to newborn procedures that have no real benefit but that can disrupt breastfeeding and bonding. For instance, circumcision, the newborn bath, antibiotics and/or silver nitrate in baby’s eyes, etc. If you are giving birth in a hospital, post your birth plan on the wall and ask everyone that comes into your room to read it. Choose rooming-in instead of letting your baby be taken off to a nursery to cry alone. (The Pediatrician will come to you to do the newborn exam.)

  Be a mother bear! Be prepared to swipe anyone who tries to mess with your baby with an enormous furry paw and send them careening across the room.

  

See what the other Green Moms had to say about this topic:

- Rachel at HappyGreenBabies
- Tiffany at NatureMoms

What would you add to this list? How did you prepare for mothering during pregnancy?

My almost 9 and 6 year old daughters have had a love/hate relationship for years.

They would get along and play together occasionally for a few hours, maybe even a few days.

But it rarely lasted.

I think these two have turned a corner however.

Maybe it’s because the 6 year old has matured. She seems to have jumped ahead a year in maturity in the last two weeks.

Not sure.

All I know is, I’m enjoying it. The two of them are so cutesy that they’re getting on their brothers’ nerves. I have to remind them that the fighting is far worse.

Together they string up sheets to make a curtain.

It was a fashion show/ballet dance/Princess … whatever. Admission was .50 a head.

They took turns announcing each other, and parading down the catwalk in various outfits.

There are tea parties. And Princess stories. And writing each other sweet little notes.

All manner of girly, sisterly things.

Nobody. Move.

Please.

I’m enjoying this too much.

Nothing breaks a mother’s heart worse than seeing her kids act like enemies.

And nothing makes her have that funny lump in her throat more than watching them become friends.

This week’s Green Moms weekly post is about attachment parenting and minimalism.

What is it about being an attached family that lends itself to a minimalist parenting style? Are you criticized by others wondering why your children don’t “have the hottest new item?”

While the word “minimalism” only recently became part of my vocabulary, I’ve always been a minimalist.

Even as a kid, I was uncomfortable with excess and with clutter.  It’s only natural that as I became a mom and embraced attachment parenting, that I would continue with the same value system.

“A newborn baby has only three demands.  They are warmth in the arms of its mother, food from her breasts, and security in the knowledge of her presence.  Breastfeeding satisfies all three.”

~Grantly Dick-Read

During my last pregnancy, a couple of friends asked me if they could throw me a baby shower. It was difficult because I was afraid of hurting their feelings, but I turned them down. There simply isn’t much stuff I need. A few cloth diapers, a few comfy outfits for the baby, and that’s pretty much it! (Baby slings are lovely too, but the ones available in stores are usually crap.)

One of the beautiful things about attachment parenting is its focus on trusting your instincts. I think many parents instinctively feel that kids today have “too much”. Too much stuff, too much technology, too much crammed into their schedule.

But they are loathe to do anything about their feelings, because they would be swimming against the stream.  The marketing machine has done an excellent job of convincing us that kids need a lot of stuff.

The reasoning is that if you can afford something for your kids, or if it simply exists in the marketplace, that means your family would be better off having it.

That simply isn’t true.

My dear grandmother, who is 93 years old, grew up in an age where the institutions of mankind could be trusted. She once made the remark “Well, if they sell it in the store, how could it be bad for you?”

(Here in the South we say, Bless Your Heart when we hear something like that.)

• Artificial baby milk is sold on store shelves, but my baby is better off without it.
• Disposable diapers are available, but I prefer cloth.
• Pacifiers, bottles, breast pumps, and other items designed to take the place of my breasts are offered, but my baby doesn’t need them.
• Cribs, swings, bassinets and a thousand other items that could contain my baby and keep her away from my body are sold too.

I could go on, and on, and on…

While I don’t judge parents who, out of necessity or preference, decide to use these items, they are things I’ve simply been able to do without.

Attachment parenting is easy on the budget, and easy on the planet.

Now that my kids are older, the difficult thing is to keep them away from too much technology and gadgetry.

Some people think preteens need cell phones, for instance. My boy’s friends have them. I refuse to provide my young teen with a cell phone. At this time in his life, a cell phone would cause far more harm than the tiny possibility of good.

I’ve also had to work hard to minimize video games, the internet and other screen time because I feel it’s harmful to my children and their physical and emotional health and brain development. The current thought among almost all the parents I know is that screens are either good or harmless for kids, but I strongly disagree.

I’m pretty sure the research backs me up on this one.

• Video games and your kids
• Why limit screen time?
• Generation Text

At attachment parenting’s heart is relationships. Connection. Attachment.

Stuff - whether it be clutter or technology – often get in the way of relationships.

See what the other Green Moms Weekly participants have to say about this topic and if you choose to join us and blog about this, be sure to link up here: Rachel at HappyGreenBabies

You might also enjoy reading: A Simple Kind of Mom

Ruby has been a fussy girl for a couple of days. Teething maybe. Runny poops and only wanting mommy are the symptoms.

I had to get some dishes washed, so I strapped her onto my back.

See what she’s doing with her left hand?

Yanking at a mole on my neck.

Yowch. Totally busted.

She’s in that really obnoxious phase where she pulls, scratches, twiddles and yanks anything that sticks out. Moles, nipples, belly buttons… you name it. My belly button is scratched and SORE. At night I have to cover my sticking-out bits so I don’t wake up looking like I had a makeout session with Edward Scissorhands.

We have 4 bookcases in our living room. The bottom shelves, all the ones Ruby can reach, are always cleared off, courtesy of said toddler.

(Note to self: Do more tricep dips. And think about paying attention to my hair in the back before allowing my picture to be taken for the internets.)

It’s International Babywearing Week.

My babywearing story began 13 years ago, when my oldest son was just a couple of days old.

Someone had given me a front pack baby carrier, and it had a million buckles and straps. It was confusing, but I was determined to make it work.

My mom took me for a walk around my neighborhood.

I still have my fuzzy slippers on.

In this picture, I sat down somewhere, and cried.

The buckles and straps had dug into Caleb’s tiny thigh. I was convinced I was killing him. (Looking back, he scarcely noticed. I would later learn that babies cry when they’re in pain. But, y’know… postpartum hormones.)

I sold that carrier on eBay. And looked for another. A friend pointed out a NoJo (yuck) while we were consignment shopping a few weeks later. I bought it, and couldn’t figure out how to use it. I was pretty sure it wasn’t supposed to reach my thighs.

I had a high need baby who needed to be held, and if I was every going to get anything done (like, pee), I was going to have to figure this thing out.

I went to a La Leche League meeting. Breastfeeding was going well, but I really needed to learn how to use my sling!

After the meeting I quietly asked if someone could help me out, and about 6 women jumped from their seats simultaneously, grabbed their slings and began demonstrating. One particularly eager mom picked up a Cabbage Patch doll from the floor and used that for demonstration purposes. (It was in a more cooperate mood than her toddler was.)

I eventually got rid of the NoJo and discovered the Over The Shoulder Baby Holder. Here I am carrying a newborn baby #2 in it.

Excuse the bad 90′s hair, but my gosh I was flat bellied!

I loved those slings, but the padding began to get on my nerves. They were only comfy in winter.

Somehow I discovered the Maya Wrap, which became my sling of choice for the next several years. I literally wore one threadbare.
I couldn’t find a picture of myself wearing it, which is difficult to understand, since I wore it more often than I wore a bra for those years. Here’s a picture of a camping trip. I have a preschooler at my knee, a toddler in my lap, his unborn sister in my belly, and my trusty Maya next to me.

With my 4th baby I mostly used a Maya and a mei tai made by a work at home mom. I couldn’t remember what brand it was, or where I’d purchased it, but it was my favorite, most beautiful carrier… and I lost it. I mourned for that thing for months!

With my current baby, I’ve used the Moby Wrap (liked it), the Sleepy Wrap (loved it), and the Baby Hawk.

Now my older kids are big enough to wear their baby sister, which is so sweet.

My girls have had baby doll slings, and sometimes they make their own.

On Different Baby Carriers for Different Uses:

There’s no one best baby sling. I hate padding, but some moms love it. Some moms hate complicated ties, but others love the flexibility of a sling like the Moby, Sleepy or Didymos. Some moms love the structure of an Ergo or other similar “hiking” carrier. Ring slings are super easy to slip on and are portable, as are tube style pouches. (But rings can make a shoulder sore.)

I use different carriers for different needs, ages and babies. For newborns who are light and who can be worn for hours, a wrap style is lovely. For errands, a mei tai or ring sling is easy and fast. Now that my baby is heavy, I can’t wear her in the mei tai for long periods. I love the Sleepy wrap for naps though.

Why do I love Babywearing?

• To comfort a baby or fussy toddler
• To get some extra exercise
• To breastfeed discreetly
• To help a reluctant napper relax
• Slings are easier and more portable than strollers
• They help settle/discipline an older child

A couple of other babywearing stories I’ve enjoyed from around the web:

- Stephanie says “Thank you, Babywearing”
- PrairieMama talks about the Evolution of her Babywearing

This week’s Green Moms Weekly post is all about play.

What are some fun, simple and interactive activities that you engage your children with?

I have to admit, that play was once a difficult thing for me as a mom. I remember when my oldest was a toddler, I would often scratch my head trying to remember how to play.

But as they got older and now that I have several more, it’s much easier for me to play, and I enjoy just being with my kids. Often I simply join in their fun, whether the girls are playing Princess or Tea Party or the boys are suggesting a board game. It’s rare that I get anything started anymore. Which is nice! There’s always a party going on when you have several children.

Here are some of my favorite things to do with my kids for fun.

Outside Time

I make it a point to get outside with my kids a couple of times a day. It’s so good for them, and it’s good for me too.

We don’t do anything special. Sometimes we jump on the trampoline, take walks, or just kick a ball around.

Board Games

With little kids, there’s the standard Go Fish and Candy Land, and those are fun. The 6 year old and I play those. We recently discovered two more games that we enjoy playing as a family: HeadBanz and Wits and Wagers.* Even the 6 year old enjoys these. The older kids often play Life, Clue and Monopoly. We love Scrabble. (Even though I usually win.)

Music

I like to think we’re a musical family.

My husband and our oldest girl play guitar. Our oldest boy is teaching himself piano. Even the baby loves to “play” the piano or guitar.

Since the kids were little I have tried to expose them to different kinds of music. I’ll often put something fun like Buddy Holly on Pandora, or maybe an old Raffi tape and dance around with the younger ones. They love it.

Read Aloud

Have you ever heard me mention this one? Nah, I didn’t think so.

I love reading aloud to the kids. It’s scheduled into our homeschool day.

Recently I’ve noticed that my 8 year old daughter often reads aloud to her younger sisters.

Storytelling

I used to think I wasn’t a good storyteller. But that’s because I had never really tried it! The girls started asking me to make up a story at bedtime recently instead of reading one, and I’ve found that it’s not as difficult as I thought. Sometimes I base my story loosely on a book I’ve read (changing it up enough that they won’t notice), and sometimes I make something up completely.

(Here’s a pic of Julien when he was picked out of the crowd by a storyteller at the HIGH museum.)

Like the one about the orphan puppy who wanted most of all to be adopted by a family. Only he had to learn some lessons first about not judging people based on appearances. (He ended up being adopted by a little girl in a wheelchair.)

The girls will sometimes hand me a couple of stuffed animals to use as props. I name the animals and go from there. It’s fun!

Check out what the other Green Moms had to say about play:

• Rachel at HappyGreenBabies
• Tiffany at NatureMoms

What are some fun things you do with your kids? Do you find that it’s hard to play? How did you overcome this?

* Amazon affiliate links, yo.

Since October is Attachment Parenting Month, we decided to kickoff Green Moms Weekly with a question about just that:

“How do you balance your busy lifestyle and manage to keep a focus on attachment parenting?”

I have to admit, this question was tough for me.

Not because I don’t think it’s possible to practice attachment parenting if you have a busy lifestyle. Because I do. I’ve known mothers who breastfed their babies while working a full time job outside the home. Who “wore” their babies every moment they were with them, who co-slept, and who found that their babies decided to “reverse cycle” (sleep more during the day, get most of their calories at night) so as to maximize the time with mom.

Attachment parenting seems even more important for a parent with a busy lifestyle to stay connected to their child.

As for me, my choices have been pointed in the direction of un-busy-ness.

Everything from working from home, choosing homeschooling, and deciding not to have the kids in regular extracurricular activities points to two of my most treasured values: simplicity and flexibility.

I find that babies and toddlers and preschoolers are happiest when they don’t spend too much time in a car. When they have plenty of time to play outside.

Oddly, my oldest is also happiest at home. He often opts to stay in when I go out.

Still, life does get busy at times.

Attachment parenting helps you stay connected, even when life is busy.

For example, breastfeeding forces you to, at least several times a day, stop and focus on your baby. Breastfeeding a baby in a sling while you do other things is fine once in awhile… but at my daughter’s stage of life, not focusing when she needs my attention could mean a well timed bite!

Babywearing allows you to get a lot done and meet baby’s needs, especially when they’re little and mostly just need your physical presence.

But as babies grow up into big kids, things change a little. They don’t need your physical presence all the time, but they do need your focused attention and eye contact from time to time.

Here are a couple of things that help me stay connected with my bigger kids when life gets a little busier than usual:

• Read Aloud
  I find this activity very relaxing, and it’s a great way to connect with your kids in the middle of a busy day. Sometimes when I’m feeling stressed, I will gather all the kids around and have them sit for a read aloud. They love it. Even the 13 year old. If you’ve never read Jim Trelease’s wonderful book on the many benefits of reading aloud, even to much older kids, I highly recommend it!
• Physical Touch
  No matter what, I begin and end the day with hugs and kisses with my kids. When my 10 year old was going through a rough patch, I gave him a coupon card good for a “Free Hug anytime”. He has redeemed it many times! Even with my 13 year old, I make sure I squeeze in plenty of those sideways “guy hugs” through the day, or I’ll put my arm around his shoulders if he’s sitting next to me.

I find that when I’m unusually busy, my kids don’t seem to suffer for it… but my parenting skills might go out the window. It doesn’t always work, and I do sometimes do things in a flurry of activity, but when I remember to pace myself, I’m much more effective as a mom.

You can read what the other Green Moms had to contribute to this topic on their blogs!

• Rachel at HappyGreenBabies
• Tiffany at NatureMoms

If you want to join us for Green Moms Weekly, be sure to leave your link at Rachel’s blog

Remember my post about Ruby’s nighttime thrashing?

I had a strong feeling that if I had a much larger sleeping area, things would improve.

A few days ago I brainstormed a solution.

We had an IKEA Lillberg loveseat in our living room that just didn’t work for us.

It looked like this:

The reason it didn’t work is because when we bought it, IKEA was discontinuing it, so it was sold without the cushions (which are sold separately, but were sold OUT).

I figured it would be easy enough to buy cushions for it, but we could never find any that were the right size and thickness to make it comfortable.

I tried selling it on Craigslist, but there were never any takers.

Then one day it came to me.

This thing looks just like a futon frame. Why couldn’t it be converted somehow into a kid’s bed?

It’s nice to be married to a furniture repair guy. Hubs removed the dowels that kept the backrest up, and also removed the armrests. He then shaved and sanded down the raw edges so they were soft. (We kept the armrests so he could convert it back later if we wish to.) He put the dowels back in, in a different spot so that the futon wouldn’t accidentally flip up.

I already had a mattress that was (almost) the perfect size. So we moved the toddler bed right next to ours.

And put sheets on it.

It’s right next to our bed and there’s no space inbetween for her to get stuck.

It’s a tad lower than the adult bed though. But… IKEA sells these nifty bed risers that will do the trick nicely.

My plan was this:

We love co-sleeping but mommy was waking up too much at night. The plan was to nurse Ruby to sleep then gently place her on the co-sleeper/toddler bed.

Did it work?

Night One

(Monday) Ruby had a busy day and feel asleep hard and fast. I lifted her onto the co-sleeper and she stayed asleep…. for several hours!!

Surprisingly she slept on her BELLY all night long. She woke up in the wee hours once to nurse. I scooped her up and after a bit of milk she fell back to sleep easily. I placed her back on the co-sleeper, where she rolled onto her belly and stayed.

A miracle!

The problem? MOMMY didn’t sleep well. Apparently I’ve become so accustomed to a little body tucked next to me that without it, I couldn’t sleep! I recognized this phenomenon because it’s happened to me before, when a toddler spent the night at the grandparent’s or fell asleep with Daddy or whatever.

Hoped that the next few days would get better.

Night Two

(Tuesday) I was exhausted from a bad night’s sleep, and I also hosted our homeschool group’s field trip and lunch after. I fell into bed a little after 8. Ruby also fell asleep quickly and easily. I moved her to her bed. Ditto… she stayed there for a several hour stretch!

I’ve come to two conclusions.

One, that Ruby is a belly sleeper. She is content that way and both nights slept soundly on her belly. It was the movements of her own limbs that were waking her, as well as mine and hubby’s. On her belly, her arms and legs are not as likely to move around.

Two, that *I* was often waking her by tucking her body into mine, for fear she would fall off the bed. Now that I don’t have that fear (since the room is wall to wall bed), I don’t disrupt her sleep.

Once she even stirred and fussed a little, and all I had to do to get her back to sleep was place my hand on her back. Nice!

It’s only been two nights so I’m still adjusting to her being “waaaay over there”, but I know I’ll get used to it and sleep better myself.

It’s awesome that this hack didn’t cost me a dime! Although I could have achieved the same thing by buying a King sized bed or an expensive co-sleeper, or even a toddler bed, I spent nothing and solved a problem.

Poor toddlers.

They get such a bum rap.

There are dozens of books sold that claim to help you tame your toddler. Terrible twos. Etc.

I love toddlers. I had almost forgotten how much fun they are.

(Now the 36 – 42 month old is a different story. No longer is the baby a baby, s/he is heavy and sassy and opinionated and not nearly as cute and portable.)

But toddlers? So much fun.

1. Everything is new and fun and exciting and wondrousPot lids? Party time.
   Ball? Epic win!

   

2. Toddlers are not picky eaters.Dirt waffles are gooooooood.

   
   Dust bunnies? Asparagus? Last night’s pinto beans that weren’t swept up from under the table? All good.

3. Expressive.We should all be so open with our feelings. Our relationships would be a lot healthier if we would just bite someone in the kneecaps when they make us mad. Then forget itthe instant as they hand us a cookie.Am I right or am I right?
4. They walk like Yoda.Or E.T. Same difference. It’s doggone cute.
5. You can see the gears turning in their heads. 

   “Mama! Airplane!”Like Helen Keller’s “wa-wa”, there is something amazing about watching a toddler conceptualize new words.

6.  Toddlers love themselvesWhen a toddler does something cute, they applaud. How can you not love someone with such self confidence?

   
   “Talk to the foot”

    

7. Comfortable in their own skin

   Toddlers have no body image issues. Clothing? Optional.
   I offer:
   “I’m naked. And I’m outside. Best. Day. Ever.”
   
   

8. Toddlers are not afraid to ask for what they want.And they can be very persistent until they get the object of their desire. Ruby’s favorite food is banana, aka “baba”. When she sees one, she will repeat “baba. baba. baba. baba. baba.” until baba is served up. Here she is with a freshly paid for baba after the grocery line checkout.We should all be so persistent.
9. Breastfeeding a toddler is fun.With babies, breastfeeding is mostly a “give” thing.  With toddlers, it’s more of a relationship. At this age, Ruby has taken to pulling the neckline of my shirt waaay out, reaching a hand in there, grabbing one and saying “mama, mama, mama, mama”.

What do you love about toddlers?

Cosleeping is not always fun.

Take last night…

Please!

My sleep was so interrupted that I was tempted to fling the baby at my husband and run to the next room to sleep on the floor.

Occasionally Ruby has these nights where she flips and flops and flails like a squid out of water.

I’m worried about her falling out of bed (even though there is a large, thick mattress-like pillow over there so she couldn’t possibly get injured). She sometimes clocks me right in the eyeball with a foot, or I get a sharp elbow in the sternum.

• I’ve tried giving up caffeine. Doesn’t help.
• It’s not hunger. There’s no difference if she eats a big dinner before bed. And she wasn’t really waking to nurse anyway. She was just fighting invisible Ninjas all night long.
• Teething? Perhaps. Hard to say, because babies are always teething. Sometimes she sleeps great, despite.

I wonder, is it overstimulation?

Yesterday was kind of a busy day for Ruby.

I took the oldest and a buddy to the High Museum here in Atlanta for a field trip.

Just me, two adolescent boys, and the little one.

And lots of art and stuff.

We browsed contemporary and modern art.

The other floors have mostly statues of naked women.

With a 13 and 14 year old boy?

I think I’ll pass.

(I know. I finally post an actual picture of myself, and it’s blurry.)

That’s an awful lot of visual stimuli.

Also, there was the toddler room. Full of plastic vegetables, wooden blocks, and magnets you could stick on a large wall.

And lots of other toddlers.

Sensory overload, maybe?

Also she sort of skipped a proper nap.  And we ended up going to my Mom’s house, which is like DisneyLand on crack for the young un’s. She upended and overturned everything there.

Maybe overtired and overstimulated?

She literally woke up about every 20 minutes all night.

What’s your theory about older babies and toddlers not sleeping well at night?

At this moment my little one is snuggled up napping in the * Sleepy Wrap.

A few months ago I owned a Moby Wrap, but I like the Sleepy Wrap much, much better.

Why?

Less fabric. The wrap is much shorter and narrower.

The Moby just plain had too much fabric.

Everytime I put it on it felt like donning a ski parka, which isn’t pleasant in Georgia summers. Or springs or autumns for that matter. Even in the winter, I wouldn’t like that much bulk.

And what is the point of having 10 feet of “tail” to wrap around my waist?

My favorite way to use the Sleepy Wrap is to tie it on just before Ruby is ready for a nap. This way she will be in it when she falls asleep.

In the pictures here she is nursing. Betcha can’t even tell.

I love how I can pull one side of the fabric completely over her head to steady it once she falls asleep, creating a little cocoon.

(I can’t do this with my Baby Hawk. I do like the Baby Hawk for back wearing and for running errands.)

This way, when I move about her head won’t flop and wake her up. She sleeps much longer when in the Sleepy Wrap, which is nice for me!

The fabric of the Sleepy Wrap is stretchier and has much more “give” than the Moby, so I have to remember to tie it tighter than I think I’ll want it.

The Sleepy Wrap costs less than the Moby too. Always a plus!

* Amazon affiliate link. Cause baby needs a new pair of shoes.

Have you seen this article about how becoming parents makes people LESS happy?

It’s pretty fascinating. Go ahead and have a read:

Why Parents Hate Parenting

This article isn’t saying anything new. There have been others like it, all referencing the dozens of studies that have been done over the decades, most of them coming to the same conclusion:

Parenting = a less happy life, overall

What do you make of this research?

As the article points out, it’s a consistent enough finding as to be accepted as gospel by people who study numbers.

“a wide variety of academic research shows that parents are not happier than their childless peers, and in many cases are less so. This finding is surprisingly consistent, showing up across a range of disciplines.”

Certainly, there have been periods in my mothering career where I was unhappy, depressed even. But it usually had little to do with my kids, and more to do with other things going on in my life. For the most part, being a mom has been a huge source of joy.

I’ve come up with some reasons to explain why so many parents don’t enjoy parenting as much as they’d like to, and as much as their parents and Grandparents did.

photo credit: renfield

* Mom and Kid Unfriendly Culture

There are several things that fall under this heading. For one, the social experiment we call the “nuclear family” – an American invention that has shown to be very hard on mothers and children.

In general, ours is a baby and child and mom UNfriendly culture.

For example: women in the media (and on the streets) dress like prostitutes, but breastfeeding in public is taboo.

Women who choose to stay at home and raise their babies are made to feel like they’re wasting their lives, becoming a drain on the family finances, and basically weird.

If you take your well behaved kids to a place of business or entertainment, you deal with funny sideways glances along the lines of the proverbial turd in the punchbowl. I’ve experienced rolling eyes, loaded sighs and unpleasant expressions from fellow coffee drinkers from something as simple as having the nerve to take a well behaved toddler to Starbucks.

Instead of motherhood and babies being celebrated, independence (parenthood, at least during the season of babies and toddlers, have little to do with independence!) and wealth and status and flat bellies are celebrated.

* Increased Economic Pressures

Moms today are expected to contribute to the family income by working for money, instead of learning how to keep money in the home with thrift and craftiness. There is a cruel paradox that seems to exist in our society: homemaking is devalued as invisible, unimportant work that nobody notices unless it’s not done, yet on the opposite side of the spectrum (Martha Stewart), perfection is expected out of a homemaker.

Many parents today also overemphasize things: fancy kid wardrobes, cars and homes that are bigger than are needed (every child needs their own bedroom – right?!), too many toys and electronic gadgets, and too much “going” in the form of extracurricular activities. This is a recipe for exhaustion.

* Increased Expectations

A generation ago, a mother was doing her job if, at the end of the day her child was a) alive, b) fed and clothed, and c) relatively happy and well adjusted. A generation ago, kids were shuffled out the door after breakfast. “Go play, be back for supper”, moms said. Kids weren’t underfoot all the time, and mom wasn’t expected to be the entertainment committee. (That’s what siblings and neighbor kids were for!)

Today’s mothers expect too much of themselves and their kids.

Instead of smothering babies and toddlers with love and kisses, they’re worried about getting into the right preschool and keeping up with baby Jones (meeting “milestones” created by an arbitrary authority figure outside the family, and therefore largely irrelevant). Diets can’t be 3 squares a day, they have to be vegan/organic/gluten-free, raw and juiced (don’t forget locally acquired!).

Kids don’t do as much to help around the house anymore. Moms do far too much picking up, organizing and cleaning up after kids and far less teaching that they better clean up after their own dang self, or else.

Instead of trusting God (and his gift of Mother’s intuition) and Grandma for advice, modern moms read dozens of parenting advice books, all of them with conflicting counsel. All of these choices create more stress.

* Isolation and Depression

Going back to that “culture” thing again. Modern moms are often socially isolated. They go from the stimulation and association of the workplace to comfy but mentally numbing days with a babbling infant.

If you have your first baby in your 20′s as I did, you may find that your friends disappear, despite your attempts to hold on to them. Nobody wants a baby around (unless they have one, and most don’t these days – people are waiting longer and longer to get married and even longer to have babies. A lot of my friends in their mid 30′s are having their first!).

Concert halls, kitschy restaurants, museums, your former haunts – most of these places don’t exactly welcome babies. If you can find a mom’s group, that may be your saving grace, but it still doesn’t come close to matching the intimacy of the “coffee klatch” our mothers enjoyed with their also at-home mom neighbors.

This isolation has to be partially responsible for the increase in postpartum depression among modern moms.

* Micro, Helicopter, and Worried Mothering

Parents these days worry too much. And they often worry about the wrong things.

As a mom of 6 going into my second decade of parenting, I have the benefit of perspective. I often find myself sitting somewhere, eyes fixed on my youngest baby, a silly grin plastered on my face, while she does something… totally normal.

I’m not concerned about whether her environment is “stimulating” enough. I feed my kids a healthy diet, as best as my budget and time constraints allow, and don’t worry about the rest. I homeschool because I think it’s best, but “gaps” in their education? Meh. Those can be filled when needed (and who doesn’t have gaps in their education?). I’m imperfect, but I forgive myself on a regular basis.

I see moms on the playground who stress me out and I’m not even doing anything other than watch my kids play. They’re so busy issuing warnings about the dire consequences of going up the slide (the horror!), picking up wood chips (parasites? no clue what the issue is there), being “careful” and not running, and certainly NO climbing of any kind.

Yikes. I wouldn’t enjoy that life either.

What’s wrong is that people have forgotten how to ENJOY their children. 

We’re taking parenting more seriously than ever – and maybe that’s a good thing. I like to study and research things before making decisions, but once the decision is made I stop worrying.

Maybe people have forgotten how to just sit and enjoy their LIFE. And it’s also perfectly ok and good to ignore your kids a little bit.

photo credit: Valerie Everett

* Confusing Moment to Moment “Fun” With Joy

Life with kids isn’t always fun. I enjoy mine most of the time, but when they fight about whose mess it is when I tell them to clean their rooms, or push and pinch in the back seat of the van, or ask “why not?” when I say NO… well, that’s just not fun.

But joy doesn’t mean that you will experience fun every second of the time. Even when you go to Disney World, you wait in line.

Marriage is also a nice invention, but it certainly isn’t fun all the time! (Even God, who is decidedly pro marriage, says that those who marry will have “tribulation in their flesh”. (1 Cor. 7:28) He’s just bein’ honest!) A lot of things that are worth pursuing are not fun every second of the time. That’s just part of being a grown up.

* Forgetting Ourselves In the Midst of Mothering

I’m not going to go off on a feminist rant here about how housework and childcare are drudgery or oppressive. Certainly, some of those tasks that go with the job are a pain. If you want to volunteer to clean my shower, I won’t feel the least bit guilty! And I won’t feel like a bad mom either.

But seriously, many moms make the mistake of losing themselves and what they love entirely in the process of marriage, babymaking and childcare. If our life revolves around what we should do or have to do, we can easily become discouraged. Even if we chose to do those things.

We have to remember what brings us joy… something that has nothing to do with our roles as wives and mothers.

It could be anything – from baking fancy cupcakes to sell at a local bakery to painting or acting in local theater or volunteer work or quilting. Maybe it’s a part time job outside the home.

For me personally, I find that blogging and earning some income are VERY important to my sense of self and happiness.

Without my business, I don’t feel entirely happy or even good about myself – no matter what’s going on in my marriage or parenting experience. Conversely, when I’m actively writing and promoting my business, that satisfaction spills over into my relationships.

I try to remind myself that parenting is a part time gig. It doesn’t last forever.

I think people who are happy before they have kids will be happy while they have kids, and after their kids are gone? They’ll still be mostly happy. In other words, kids don’t make someone happy any more than marriage or a career makes someone happy.

* Failure to Be The Mom You Are (Trying To Be A Mom You Aren’t)

There are a lot of things I enjoy about my day to day life as a stay at home mom. I actually enjoy hanging cloth diapers on the line. I love breastfeeding my babies. I like to cook dinner. These things are fun for me. And I wouldn’t be able to leave my young baby or even toddler to go off to a job. It would make me miserable. So I figured out how to make money at home. On the other hand, I hate doing crafts with my kids. That’s ok!

We have to figure out who we are and what kind of mothering style suits us. There are so many right ways to raise a child. It’s ok to be happy and be the kind of mom we are, instead of trying to be the mom we see on someone’s mom blog or parenting magazine.

p.s. After I wrote this post but just before I published it, I stumbled onto an excellent article by PhD in Parenting. It refers to the same article I did above. An excellent read for sure: Grin and Bear It: Parenting, Happiness and the Pressure Cooker

Also check out Meagan’s take here: Are Happy Moms (And Dads) Faking It?

What do you think? What explains the consistent research findings that parents are less happy than childless people? 

Let’s face it.

Cloth diapering can lose a wee bit of its charm once your baby becomes a toddler.

My sweet little one poops several times a day, and I’m no fan of toilet dunking. I’m also not a fan of tiny bits of poo clinging to the inside of my washing machine.

When your baby is just breastfeeding, the poop is easily handled with the machine. There also isn’t an odor issue. But that changes once baby is eating a large variety of solids.

I do have a handy spray, which I love, that could be used to rinse off diapers, but I prefer to employ it for other uses. Besides, I would still have to wring out the super soaked diaper before placing it in the pail, which almost defeats the purpose.

There is a way to make cloth diapering your toddler a little easier, at minimal expense, while still enjoying all the benefits of cloth.

Enter the diaper liner.

These are inexpensive, disposable/reusable tissue-like things that you place on top of the diaper, next to baby’s skin.

I say disposable/reusable because if the diaper is wet when you remove it, you can just throw the whole apparatus (diaper, liner and all) into the diaper pail. The liners are tough enough to go through the wash.

But if the diaper is poopy (and here’s the beautiful part), you can easily remove the liner, with poop still attached, throw it into your toilet, and flush it away.

• Liners keep your cloth diapers cleaner.
• There’s less mess, less stain, less re-washing and re-rinsing when the poo doesn’t *quite* get cleaned off.
• The diapers smell better.
• You’ll get more for your diapers when it comes time to resell them once baby’s potty trained.
• They’re still soft on the skin, eco-friendly, and non-toxic.

I use ImseVimse, but there are several other brands of diaper liners available. Most of them are perforated so you can easily tear them off a roll. And they’re cheap! Especially since you’ll be reusing most of them.

Dealing with poop is enough to turn many parents off of cloth diapering entirely. Diaper liners are a way of dealing with this issue with about the same amount of trouble as disposable diapers.

Another option would be gDiapers.

If you’re cloth diapering, did you do anything differently once baby became a toddler?

photo credit: MissMessie

I’ve been trying to write this post all day.

What’s stopped me?

One little 13 month old.

You see, all the kids were gone today except for the baby. My stepdaughter gets home from school at 5, and the other kids are spending the night at my mom’s.

Having one baby at home is hard. I could hardly get a darn thing done!

I know that sounds odd coming from a seasoned mom like myself, but it’s true.

Whenever the other kids are away, as they periodically are, it’s a nice little treat for me. I get to be alone with the baby. But I’m also quickly reminded of how challenging it can be to have just ONE child. I remember how it was with my oldest, who was an only child for 2 years and 9 months.

There was noone else to play with him. It was all me.
Noone else to hold him. Just me.
Noone else to help him buckle into his carseat.
Noone else to fetch snacks, water, and out of reach toys. Mememe.

Today, I haven’t been able to accomplish a fraction of what I intended to. Because I was doing things that normally would have been done by my children!

I went grocery shopping at ALDI, and had to bag all the groceries… BY MYSELF. I must have looked helpless, because a fellow shopper actually helped me bag and load my groceries into the car!

Here are some of the other things I had to do today that I normally don’t do:

• Unload the grocery bags
• Put away the groceries
• Wash clothes
• Hang clothes on drying rack
• Entertain and hold the baby all day
• Fetch diapers myself
• Refill my own water glass
• Get the mail
• Take out the trash
• Cook dinner while holding baby

I’m tired! My biceps are killing me!

When new moms say things like “How do you do it? I’m overwhelmed with just one!”, I often tell them that one is just as hard as 6 – and it’s true in many ways!

It’s true that when you have more than one child, you have more work. But having just one baby is exhausting. There is noone to help you entertain, feed and help with the baby.

Have you experienced this when you had just one child at home?

This morning the hubby asked me a question.

“Do you think Ruby was born too early? Like, do you think she was actually premature by 3 or 4 weeks?”

I scratched my head for a second, a little confused by the question, trying to remember how her birth date related to my due date (all mine were a little “early”).

“Umm…. no, she came about a week before my due date. Why do you ask?”

“Well, it just seems like she hits the milestones about 3 or 4 weeks late.”

“Late… according to whose timetable?”

“Well, according to what’s… normal.”

I don’t remember exactly how the conversation went after that. I said something about how babies are on their own timetable, and that she was doing fine.

I mean no disrespect towards my husband. However, but the mama bear in me came out just a little at the thought of our precious baby being compared unfavorably to millions of other unknown babies.

It turns out that part of my husband’s concern was coming from these cute little “what your baby might be doing now…” type of emails I had been forwarding him from a large, well known baby website ever since we were pregnant.

Those same emails say that it’s perfectly normal for baby to walk at 14, 15, even 16 months old (Ruby is 13 months).

But he wasn’t seeing that part, he was only seeing that a lot of babies are already walking.

Interestingly, sitting on our living room couch was a children’s picture book, a biography of Albert Einstein… who hardly spoke until he was 3.

I think my husband’s comments reflect a fear that so many parents have about their children.

Even when speaking of our infants, our culture seems obsessed about keeping up with baby Jones.

We want them feeding themselves, rocking themselves to sleep, and reading by age 18 months, it seems.

As soon as our babies are born, the questions come.

Are they sleeping through the night yet/rolling over yet/crawling yet/eating solids yet/weaned yet/walking yet/graduating college and settling down yet?

I don’t remember having these worries, even with my first child. Caleb didn’t walk until he was 14 months old, but I don’t remember being concerned.

I reassured my husband that anywhere between 9 and 18 months is “normal” for walking. And technically, our youngest does walk – for several weeks now she’s taken anywhere from 1-4 steps independently, she just hasn’t taken off walking.

Is anyone else just NOT in a big hurry for baby to tick off milestones, like a neverending  to-do list that begins at birth and ends at the grave?

photo credit: aarondn93

I have a cool new giveaway this week!

World Breastfeeding Week is officially over, but nursing moms everywhere could still benefit from this neat breastfeeding item.

Undercover Mama is a unique strapless undershirt that attaches to your nursing bra. This makes it easy for you to breastfeed without showing your stomach or side.

As you can see in the first pic below, it attaches to any nursing bra  (there is a “hook” style and a “loop” style attachment available, the hook is shown below).

When it’s time to feed the baby, it opens with the flap of your nursing bra. The rest of the shirt stays down against your belly and sides. So, you can wear any shirt you want and still be able to nurse comfortably.

Here is a full pic of the Undercover Mama:

To enter to win the UnderCover Mama, just do this:

1. “Like” Natural Moms Talk Radio on Facebook! (If you’ve already done so, just do #2 and let me know.)
2. Leave a comment below telling me that you did so.

The contest will run for one week, until Thursday, August 18 at Noon Eastern time. The winner will be notified at that time.

Here are some of my favorite tips for nursing in public.

- Nurse at the first signs of hunger. A nursing baby generally draws less attention than a screaming one! So latch your baby on as soon as you notice that s/he is hungry…rooting, sucking on fist, grimacing face, etc. A crying baby also makes you nervous and you and baby may take longer to get latched on comfortably.

- Bring a book or large purse to set in your lap for camouflage. Your diaper bag would also work. Set it in front of baby on your knees while you latch baby on. Or hold a book so that your baby’s head and your breast are out of view.

- Practice latching your baby on quickly and discreetly in front of a mirror at home, so that you know how to do it without anyone really noticing when you’re out and about.

One of the things that can be discouraging about reading mom blogs is the perception that a particular mom has it all together.

photo credit: happyworker

I’m no SuperMom, and none such exists. We all make choices as to how we spend our time and other resources. There are some things I don’t do because I just plain suck at it or don’t know how. Other things, I would like to do but it’s just not a priority.

Here are some things I just don’t do.

1. Crafty stuff
   I sometimes look at “crafty mom” websites and think, “Oh that’s sooooo cute, I wish I could make that.”  But I get over it real quick. I’ve bought crafty supplies for my girls and did projects with them, but it ends up as a lot of mess and clutter and crappy stuff that gets thrown away the next week. They come up with their own crafts!
2. Baking
   Thankfully, my oldest loves to make homemade bread, pies, and other treats and sometimes the girls throw brownies together. So I leave baking to them.
3. Cook complicated stuff
   Dinner is very simple around here. Before kids, I enjoyed cooking complicated dishes, like Indian food with its 37 spices. Now? Phbbt. Husbands and kids don’t care if dinner is fancy, as long as it’s warm and tasty.
4. Complicated curriculum
   Homeschool is real simple around here. I don’t have time to do unit studies or other curriculum styles that require tons of work beforehand.
5. Weekly deep cleaning
   The weekly stuff like vacuuming and mopping get done frequently, and bathrooms are done daily because those are assigned to kids. But deep cleaning tasks such as dusting baseboards, removing cobwebs, windows and walls… we clean those areas about four times a year or before I have a party. We gather up the whole family and get it done in a couple of hours. It works for us.
6. Extracurricular kid activities
   The kids have plenty of interests (oldest is teaching himself piano, another plays guitar etc), but so far we haven’t done extracurricular activities and lessons. Doing so would cost a lot and complicate our schedule more than we wish, and the kids are fine with it so far.
7. Laundry
   Outsourced to the oldest child.
8. Artsy stuff
   I have a friend who is so talented and artsy that I am nearly brought to tears looking at her website. I wish I could be that way, but I’m not. I’m creative in my own way, but I can’t draw, paint, decoupage, sew, knit, or anything else like that. A few of my kids are very artsy, so I throw stuff their way and enjoy seeing what springs from their imagination and fingers.
9. Photography
   5 minutes into my blog and you can tell I suck at taking pictures. I would like to get better at it, but again… priorities.

(Hat tip @Maegan of The Happiest Mom 10 Things I Don’t Do)

What kind of stuff do you NOT do?

In honor of World Breastfeeding Week, I’m posting  links to some of my favorite articles I’ve written on the topic here, and hosting a giveaway.

Here are the articles:

• How to have a breastfeeding friendly baby shower
• How to deal with breastfeeding and yeast infection
• What’s it like nursing through a pregnancy and tandem nursing?
• I’m an advocate for breastfeeding, not nitpicking (Years ago I might not have hosted a giveaway for a bottle, but with age comes more open-mindedness about the different ways women raise their babies.)
• Doctors sometimes give bad mastitis advice
• And finally, an interview with breastfeeding and depression expert Kathleen Kendall-Tackett on overcoming postpartum depression naturally

Now for the giveaway!

Up for grabs is a BornFree EcoClassic bottle. These are made from BPA free plastic.

To enter, simply leave a comment below with the best advice you ever received on breastfeeding.

You can earn additional entries by: Twittering the link or liking this post on Facebook. (Be sure to leave an additional comment letting me know what you did!)

On Monday, August 8 a winner will be chosen.

People differ in their opinions on giving kids an allowance. I’ve heard both sides of the argument and hold the firm opinion that allowances are a good thing for parents and kids, and here’s why.

The Case For Allowances

Allowances teach kids that work = money. No work = no money.

There are chores that my kids do just because they live here in my house. Things like cleaning your room and cleaning up after yourself in general. Then there are chores that I pay “commissions” on that the kids are assigned to daily (such as bathroom cleaning, sweeping, mopping etc).

If they want to earn more money than their allowance pays, there are usually extra chores or projects that can be done.

I want them to learn diligence, and to get the message that work equals money. Isn’t this how it is in the real world?

Allowances are a great discipline tool.

In my house, when a child “forgets” to do their chore, has to be reminded repeatedly, does a lousy job, or just has a general all around bad attitude, finds their allowance docked for that day.

This way, instead of going around screaming about how lazy everyone around here is (who, me?! ok maybe a couple times when I was pregnant), I simply walk up to the child and inform them that they won’t be paid for today’s work. AND I require that they go back and do it properly. (Sometimes I add another chore on top of it just to teach them that shirking doesn’t pay.)

In addition, I sometimes exact fines for behaviors I’m trying to extinguish, like name-calling, inappropriate language, passing gas at the table, etc.

Allowances help kids learn how to manage money.

My question to the parents who don’t believe in allowances is, how will your kids ever learn how to manage money if they never have any in their hands?

My kids are required to give some money to God, to save some for a long term goal (like a video game. I don’t buy those. Ever.), and some is for short term spending.

To my delight I find that having their own money gives my children more opportunities to be generous.

They often buy gifts for me, each other, their grandparents, and friends. If they had to ask me for money to buy me a present, somehow it just wouldn’t be the same now would it?

I know one mom who pays her teenaged daughter’s allowance via PayPal. The student account is linked to hers, so she can easily log in and keep tabs on her daughter’s spending. The daughter has a debit card that allows her to withdraw money and doesn’t let her to overdraw funds. I think this is a great idea to help her teen learn how to budget, balance a checkbook and be accountable with her money.

Another benefit of allowances is that my kids are learning the value of a buck, and that mom isn’t an endless source of cash.

The phrase “You can wait to get that until you get your allowance” is often used around here!

I also try to teach my kids about the evils of DEBT. They often ask me to let them borrow against their allowance, and my answer, unless there is some really unusual circumstance, is NO. Then I use that as an opportunity to teach my kids about the dangers of getting into debt, how the borrower is servant to the lender, etc.

Do you pay your kids an allowance? Why or why not?

photo credit: theritters
photo credit: woodleywonderworks

The other day, I talked with a lovely couple as they walked around my neighborhood with their 11 month old twins in a tandem stroller. I congratulated the mom for breastfeeding twins. She told me that she wanted to continue breastfeeding for a year, but was considering going longer.

I told her that when her babies turned a year old, they wouldn’t know it.

Also, they wouldn’t be the least bit interested in weaning either. Why would they want to give up something so wonderful?

She smiled and agreed. “They love it“, she said. “And so do I.”

Nursing an older baby has many benefits, but like any age, it can also have a few challenges.

Here are a few tips on breastfeeding the older baby:

Night Nursing – aka “Making Up For Lost Time”

I was reminded of something I had forgotten the other day. We had a super busy day and were on the go a lot. Baby had lots of things to see and do, and enjoyed plenty of solid food. But because she (and I) was so distracted, we “forgot” to take nursing breaks.

That night she nursed all night long, and I woke up feeling totally exhausted.

Babies who are busy crawling and walking and discovering sometimes get so involved with other things that they simply forget to nurse. But their bodies will make up the calories at the Dairy Queen, which is open all night long!

You can help prevent this from happening by remembering to slow down and take time to nurse the baby, even when s/he isn’t “asking” to.

It’s helpful to go into another room, a quiet place where there is less action and noise, otherwise baby will take a quick sip and jump back out of your lap. A soft cloth sling like the Maya Wrap can also be useful, since you can pull the top ring of it up over baby’s head to provide a little dark cocoon.

Nursing Manners

When your baby is younger, it’s totally cute and endearing when they knead your breast like it’s a lump of bread dough. When they’re older and stronger and more willful? Eh…. not so much. Baby can really hurt you at this age if they aren’t taught some nursing manners. Nursing necklaces, buttons on your clothing, and other distractions may prove to be helpful if your baby is a twiddler.

Don’t be afraid to set limits with nursing “gymnastics” either. What starts off as cute (“Oh look, baby can nurse upside down balanced on one leg!“) can get old real quick when baby loses balance and hurts you. You may have to end the feeding every once in awhile if baby refuses to nurse nicely. Don’t feel guilty about this. You’re gently teaching baby that breastfeeding, like all relationships, require give and take and compromise. That’s a great lesson to learn.

Modesty

Modesty is closely related to nursing manners. Keep in mind that whatever you allow in the comfort of home will be what you get everywhere else. It may be ok for baby to push your shirt up to your chin when you’re on your couch, but it’s not fun at the Museum or the in-law’s house. Modest breastfeeding in public may go out the window if you don’t teach baby how to keep you covered up. Discipline starts at the breast!

It’s also a good idea to start teaching baby a code word for breastfeeding. That is, unless you’re cool with your 2 year old screaming “I wanna nuuuuurse!” in the grocery store checkout line.

Let’s Talk Teeth

Many mothers who plan on breastfeeding when they’re pregnant plan on quitting as soon as baby sprouts teeth. That’s understandable, because teeth and breast tissue really don’t mix! But many babies never bite at all, and some newborn infants can hurt you with just their gums (which are surprisingly sharp!).

The appearance of teeth doesn’t have to mean the end of breastfeeding. Here are some more tips on what to do if your breastfed baby bites.

One more thing: Nursing strikes usually happen with the older baby. In fact, 9 months is a surprisingly common age for this phenomenon. It doesn’t mean baby wants to wean!

What tips do you have for breastfeeding the older baby?

Wow.

Like, where did the time go?

Favorite activities:

Scoping out the fridge when anyone leaves the door ajar. Which is several times a day.

And a little thing I like to call “Decluttering”.

(Those shelves were just way.too.full.before.)

(And yes, of course I put everything back neatly!)

Playing Daddy’s guitar, singing, and… piano.

My oldest son was a Happy Accident.

(Apparently, the cervical cap doesn’t work if you don’t use it. Who knew!?)

Of course, once I had him I realized I had found my niche. And I also knew right away that I didn’t want him to be an only child.

I know what some of the books say.

That only children are super achievers. They have higher IQs. They have exclusive rights to their parents finances. They tend to be better educated.

I know what the research says.

Eh, forget all that.

My 10 year old just handed me a baby, naked from the waist down. She smelled faintly of poop. Why? Because he had just changed her diaper.

Mostly.

Imperfectly.

I think he benefits far more from having this experience than all the money, education and intelligence (what kind?) in the world. After all, in 50 years he might have to change my diaper. Or his wife’s diaper.

I don’t judge people who choose to only have one child, but I believe there are so many benefits to older children of having young siblings.

Namely:

Patience.

My kids probably can’t count how many times we’ve been in the car and I pulled over to nurse a tiny infant who was screaming for her mommy’s arms. How many times have they not been able to leave for a fun outing yet because the baby needed to be changed/fed/etc. How many times did they have to leave somewhere interesting early because a baby was overtired/overstimulated/oversunned/overheated etc.

Life with a young baby or toddler slows down. Older kids learn to wait for their turn, and to share resources. I think they also learn how to get attention in creative ways. They develop spunk and personality, to stand out from the crowd instead of passively receiving.

Humility.

Melissa Fay Greene put it beautifully in our conversation (If you haven’t listened, you must!)  when she said her youngest daughter was “dethroned” upon the arrival of her first adopted son, but how much better was it for her to be dethroned at 7 than at 17, or 27, or… never (shudder!)?

Having a younger sibling teaches you that it ain’t all about you. That other people’s needs must be considered, too. And that there is joy in self sacrifice.

A serving spirit.

There are diapers to change, chores to do. Older siblings learn to help out more when a new baby arrives.

It’s been my experience that big kids love to help out their younger siblings, at least when they’re really little. Some days I practically have to make an appointment to hold my baby because the older kids pass her around so much.

Practice.

Children who see their mother mothering babies learn a lot about parenting. They’re not clueless about how babies are to be treated. They may see what labor and birth are actually like instead of how they’re portrayed in the movies. They see their mother breastfeeding which normalizes the activity for them.

The value of these experiences can’t be underestimated once they have children of their own.

Forgiveness.

Babies and toddlers break your toys. They throw up on your clothes. They may slap you in the face while you repeat “gentle” over and over.

Older children learn forgiveness when they have younger siblings around. They are reminded that when they were that age, they broke things and spilled stuff all the time too.

Independence.

When you have one child, it is often easier to do everything for them. When you have several, it is worth the time it takes to teach and train them to do things for themselves. This has many advantages. Not only does it benefit you as a parent but it is a gift to the child. Accomplishment builds self esteem.

Love.

Shortly after Ruby was born, one of my sons came to me with big huge tears in his eyes. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me:

“Nothing.

It’s just that I love her SO MUCH and I don’t even know why.”

That pretty much sums it up for me folks.

My 5 year old and 8 year old daughters bicker too much.

Of course, sometimes they play for hours. Making up elaborate games, complete with costumes, role-playing, scripts.

photo credit: Pink Sherbet Photography

But every day, the bickering over tiny, insignificant things wears on my sanity.

The problem is mainly that the 5 year old has a short fuse. She is very spirited and strong willed. The problem is also that the 8 year old is more sensitive, but she is also critical and denies all wrongdoing (annoying!).

The same pattern erupts over and over.

5 year old makes an observation. 8 year old starts in on her. “No, that’s not true. Yadayadayadayada know it all yada”. 5 year old erupts and calls her a name or hits her. (Both totally unacceptable in this household, and she knows it.)

Another dynamic is at play here.

When my stepdaughter is not home, the 8 year old will play with her little sister a lot. When little Z is home, 8 y.o. wants to be with her all the time since she is the older sister to look up to, not the sometimes bratty kid sister. And 5 year old feels left out and rejected, which adds to her acting out.

I know that they CAN play together nicely, when the motivation is there.

I remembered a point from the research about sibling rivalry in the book NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children.

That chapter said that it’s important that the RATIO of positive to negative interactions remain high (not surprisingly, marriage researcher and author John Gottman says the same thing about couples – in fact the precise ratio among happily married couples is 5 positive interactions to 1 negative) .

In other words, one way for parents to help minimize sibling fighting is to create more positive experiences.

Last night I came up with something.

I decided that I would kill two birds with one stone. I would make the girls earn screen time (thereby minimizing it) by doing positive things for each other.

I also want my kids to understand an important rule of adult life and happiness:

That feelings follow action, not always the other way around.

I don’t want them to wait for “feeling like it” before they ACT LIKE IT. Right now, I don’t even care if the motive is right or if they’re doing it just to earn points. (And I’ve never done a “points” kind of reward system before because I’m generally opposed to that kind of thing.) But until we get over this hump, I just want them to DO RIGHT. I know that them getting along better and releasing their resentment of each other will be a natural byproduct.

Why?

Because performing kindnesses for another person has the effect of softening your feelings towards them. When I’m irritated with my husband, for instance, I clean his bathroom or his computer area (two messy areas that irritate me!) or whatever, and I find myself thinking of his positive qualities while I’m doing it. Seems counterintuitive, but it works.

So I created a chart called Kindness Points.

They can earn Kindness Points by:

• Commending or praising each other
• Giving a compliment
• Doing kindnesses
• Overlooking sins in the other
• Staying calm when the other gets upset
• Helping
• Playing together nicely

I kept it simple. I’m not subtracting points if they misbehave, because I want the focus on the positive.

When they started arguing this morning, I called them to my side.

I told them that their fighting was disrupting the peace in the household, that they would not want to live in a household where mom and dad were fighting all the time, and that they were not following our example or behaving in a way that they had been taught. I explained that they were choosing to misbehave and could choose better.

I showed them the chart and explained what it meant and how it worked.The system only works for things they do between the two of them. Niceties for other siblings don’t count, because there generally aren’t problems in those relationships.

By about 1 PM today, they had each earned enough points to get some computer time.

The oldest had: bought a cupcake at Barnes and Noble and shared it with Sadie, read her a story in the car.

The younger had: helped her sister find her lost shoes, drew her a picture that said “I love you Ilana”, and they also played with dolls together without any fighting.

So far there hasn’t been any bickering.

Crossing my fingers hoping this works long term.

Yesterday while we were playing outside Sadie found a dead newborn baby bird. It had the tiniest tuft of downy feathers on its head and back, like an itty bitty mohawk.

photo credit: nosha

At first I looked around for the egg, thinking that a hawk or snake or something had grabbed it, cracked the egg and had its meal interrupted, dropping the bird to the ground.

But then hubby pointed out that the bird had probably fallen out of the tree during the previous night’s storms. In other words, it wasn’t an embryonic bird.

It was a mother bird’s dead baby.

Sadie (5) isn’t afraid of anything, dead or alive.

I picked up the bird with a napkin. It was about 2 inches long. I could see its tiny arms and legs folded up, veins under its skin, its large round eyes still under the skin, and beak that it had used to break open the egg.

We inspected it for several minutes. Oddly, it had that fecund scent of a freshly born, wet newborn human baby.

(You know that smell.)

I pointed out to Sadie that it was roughly the size of a 2 month old human baby still inside its mother. That Ruby was once that size in my belly. That she was once that size. And that even then, God knew all about her, and loved her. He knew what she would look like, what her personality would be like.

Before mommy even knew she was pregnant, He knew all about her.

And that Jesus said that his Father knew every single time a bird died and fell to the ground.

Including this one.

And that he loves us even more than that.

I thought about mothers who lose their babies when they are this size. Like my sister. Like many others.

I thought about mothers who lose their babies who are already born. Like this one, whose baby died when a television set fell on him.

Later that day, I decided to draw a bath for me and the baby.

Ruby (11 months) pulled herself up to stand next to the tub. I took off my clothes, and turned around for a SECOND to grab a towel behind me.

When I turned back around, Ruby was IN the tub.

I grabbed her so fast, I don’t remember how she was situated in there. She was wet, but she didn’t choke or cry or gasp for breath. Her face was wet, but I don’t know if she was face down in the water, or not.That’s how fast it happened. And how silent. I don’t remember hearing a splash, even.

The point is, what COULD have happened. If I hadn’t been RIGHT THERE.

Of course, I would never leave a baby or toddler in the bathroom while I was filling the tub.

But what if I HADN’T been there?

We’ve been reminding the kids to close the bathroom door when they leave. Because babies crawl in, open the toilet lid, and fall headfirst into the water. And drown.

I ran to Target this morning to buy toilet locks.

I wonder if the mother bird cried out for her baby?

I had an odd conversation with hubby last night.

me: “I’m crazy.”

him: “No, you’re not.”

me: “Yes, I am. I haven’t shared some of my thoughts with you, but if you knew what I have been thinking, you would think I was crazy.”

him: sits down. looks a little pale. smiling sweetly, hoping he’s not in trouble.

me: “I know it’s probably just crazy hormones. Maybe my body is just doing weird things and it’s affecting my emotions. Did you know that by the time a woman is my age, she has lost 95% of her eggs? And, I don’t understand because for over a year – like, the entire time I was pregnant and for several months after, I knew I was DONE and this was definitely going to be my last baby. But it’s just that this last year has gone by soo fast and Ruby is almost a toddler now, and… and so I made a list in my head of all the reasons, all the CONS, and there were so many. Like, I don’t want to be sick for 9 months and be so tired and have hardship in our marriage, and feel like I’m not doing what I need to be around the house and with the older kids and stuff… and on the right side of the page, the PROS list, there is only one thing and that’s “but it’s a BABY!“. And it’s just crazy! I wish that I could just DECIDE and feel that one way once and for all, and not switch back and forth.”

him: “Well I must be crazy too because I’ve been thinking that I want another one.”

me: silence.

him: “And then I think I’m nuts because I tell myself, what are you thinking, you’re not a millionaire!”

me: “That’s not the part that concerns me. I think of the other things… like being so sick for so long and feeling horrible and my legs hurting and feeling exhausted by 10 AM and everything being sore and … labor! and all that.”

him: “And every time Ruby does something I think, that’s the last time that’s a new thing she does.”

me: “Yeah. This year has just gone by incredibly fast. And I think of how incredibly fortunate I am. I mean, I hate being pregnant and I have such bad nausea the whole time but there are so many women who would give anything to trade places with me. Women who can’t get pregnant or who have multiple miscarriages, women who wanted big families (like my mom), and couldn’t… and I have such uneventful pregnancies and such wonderful births.”

him: “Yeah, it’s really easy…”

me: “Well, it’s not EASY, it’s very difficult but even still my pregnancies are healthy and there have never been any medical problems during them, or with my babies. And I’ve always tried to be grateful of that and never take my fertility for granted! And I feel like I’ve defied the statistics already with all these healthy kids… but I already HAVE a baby and so I just need to stop thinking about this and just enjoy her! But I guess it’s just a normal, healthy thing… to want to experience this over and over. Maybe we’re normal and everyone else is crazy.”

The conversation kind of trailed off after that.

I guess I’m crazy, but he’s crazy too.

I guess we can be crazy together.

I sent out a tweet this morning.

I’m reading the Duggar’s second book, A Love That Multiplies. In it Michelle emphasizes the importance of her attitude, and how it sets the tone for the children.

Of course, that’s not news to me.

In fact, one of the reasons I began my Happiness Project in the first place is because I recognize the truism of “If mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy“. My mood impacts the mood of everyone else in the household more than any other single person.

But.

How does one keep their attitude positive when so many around them are doing a lousy job of it?

Take this morning.

Please.

I was in the mood to not cook take the kids out for breakfast. 8 year old daughter had been whining since she woke up, because she has to endure the horrible calamity of waiting until early tomorrow morning to go to her grandparent’s (instead of tonight). Also, she couldn’t instantly find her purse and had to LOOK for it (the horror!).

When we got in the car she and 5 year old daughter began fighting and sitting on and slapping on each other. 8 year old began whining with renewed intensity.

I drew up reserves from the deepest part of me and said:

“Ilana, every word that has come out of your mouth this morning has been negative. We need an attitude adjustment quickly. So I would like everyone in the car to name 3 things they are grateful for.”

This seemed to work.

For a while.

Things like “I’m happy we have a mom and food and we’re going out for breakfast and have a trampoline and some people don’t have food” etc began spilling out.

“Ok guys. So let’s keep that attitude of gratitude in our mind as we go about our day and not get into fights about insignificant, meaningless things.”

Score one for mom.

Of course, it doesn’t always look this nice.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being pecked to death by a million chickens.

I only have 6 kids, and there is almost never a time when all of them are happy.

How in the world does one manage the attitude of their offspring when there are 20 of them? (Hence the #whatwouldmichelleduggar hashtag.)

Keeping my own mood in check feels like a burden some days.

I am Boadicea taking on the Romans.

I am vastly outnumbered.

I’m also reading another book, No Biking in the House Without a Helmet, the memoir of fellow Atlanta mom of 9. (She’s an upcoming guest on the show, stay tuned.)

I can’t find the actual reference right now. But there is a moment where she says that there is a time to quit validating feelings. There is a time to say “Get over it already!”

I’m all for the Faber/Mazlish brand of touchy-feely, feel good parenting.

But it is exhausting, and nobody can keep it up all the time.

This is what is tiring about motherhood.

It’s not so much the endless little chores, the spending hours picking up tiddlywinks and detritus off the floor, the sleep interruptions.

It’s keeping everyone at a minimum level of happiness.

(At least high enough so their misery doesn’t spill over onto you and the others around them.)

Sigh.

Thank God there is blogging.

Lazy days of summer. Dog days of summer.

That’s how the sayings go.

I do love summer.

I think I try to soak up all the sun and Vitamin D I can before winter, when I tend to be a little sad.

And I want the kids to create fun memories this season. I like the fact that they’re able to have fun without worrying too much about accomplishing anything academically, at least for a time.

To be honest, *I* need the break from the responsibilities of homeschooling that summer brings!

But I don’t want my kids to have no boundaries or schedule of any kind in the summer. I don’t want them, for instance, to think that viewing random silly videos on YouTube is ok at 9 a.m. (Something that the built in schedule of homeschooling prevents.) Nor do I want them watching too many movies or playing too much DS.

How do you create a schedule in summer that gives kids the freedom to explore, play and be a little lazy without a total lack of accountability?

Of course, I’ve never given the kids the summer off entirely. For instance, they are expected to do a little math most days, as well as at least 20 minutes of Spanish.

Do you have any ideas for creating a flexible summer schedule for kids?

I came up with a few, and would like to hear yours as well.

- Limits on electronics. We have specific house rules for video games: no more than 45 minutes a day, and no playing on Thursdays or Sundays.

We don’t have a set time limit rule for movie or computer use, but during the school year it’s “not until schoolwork is done”, or 2:30 p.m., whichever comes last.

I’m thinking of setting a specific time for summer. For instance, no electronics until after 12 (when it’s getting unbearably hot outside).

- Reading focus. Summer is a great time for pleasure reading. For most of my kids, this is no problem. Their noses are frequently in a book for a couple hours a day anyway. They look forward to earning their free book at Barnes and Noble each year (it takes them about a day or two to read the required 8 titles). Library trips to keep them in fresh material are a twice weekly thing.

But I have one reluctant reader. The good news is, he loves to be read TO. So my goal is to keep him in a good engaging read aloud all summer. Right now we’re enjoying King Matt the First. Any other suggestions for a 10 year old boy who is interested in aeronautics, LEGO, and hang gliding?

- Keeping busy. My goal is to keep the kids busy with fun stuff so they won’t just loaf around. We’re going to the pool a lot, having friends over, BBQing, going to parties and picnics, hosting sleepovers, visiting family, going to the beach etc.

Not so much that they (and I) are exhausted, but summer definitely makes socializing easier when nobody has to get up early for (public) school and there are no “school nights”.

I’ve noticed that chores are slacking a bit. Laundry is piling up, the kid’s bathroom is gross, the floors are sticky – all of these the domain of 3 of the kids.

I understand because *I* get a little lazy in summer too.

Cooking? Nah. Watermelon for dinner!

Housework? Meh. Margaritas!

What are your suggestions for keeping kids busy (enough) in summer? Do you create a schedule for them to follow? Or what?

13 years ago when I became a mom, if someone had told me that someday I would have 6 children, I don’t think I would have believed them. Especially if they told me that one of those didn’t come in the “usual way” … but as a package deal with her father.

Being a stepmom has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

And it’s really not because of my stepdaughter. In that way I’ve been very fortunate. I get along extremely well with my stepdaughter, and my “bio” kids get along well with her too. Anyone looking at our family would have no idea what we are “blended”.

Part of that is because of my stepdaughter’s personality – she is as easygoing, low maintenance and quiet as her dad. And part of it is because of things that I accidentally have been doing right. I didn’t know that some of these things were right until I read The Happy Stepmother.

Primarily:

Remembering My Place

When I met my stepdaughter, my heart immediately went out to her. Here was another child who was suffering as a result of her parent’s divorce. I felt a warmth towards her immediately. She made my nurturing hormones fire off

But I didn’t try to become or replace her mother.

Her mother wasn’t dead, she was alive and well. And she was very involved in her daughter’s life. I never thought it was my job to mother her. I feel more like an involved Aunt, or a nanny even. I am concerned for her welfare, but I don’t worry about her. That’s the job of her parents. I care for her, but I don’t make decisions that involve her education, health care or other big ticket items. When she disobeys a house rule or doesn’t do her chore, I speak to her father about it and let him handle things.

Having good boundaries has made my life much easier.

Communication

The author spends a lot of time talking about good communication skills. These are so important to a second marriage. Second marriages are very complicated. Generally speaking people who have been through a divorce are somewhat emotionally fragile and damaged (no matter what they think!). Adding “his” and “her” and “our” kids certainly complicates that. Knowing how to talk to all these people is super important if the stepfamily is going to work.

Disengagement

When my husband and I first married, his ex (and later, her mother) came over to introduce herself and try to make nice. At first I thought this was a genuine attempt to establish a cordial relationship, but VERY quickly I learned the truth.

These two women were interested in manipulating my husband via ME. They had lost control of him since the divorce, and were eager to reestablish that control under the guise of concern for my stepdaughter.

Needless to say I am NOT interested in that. I made it very clear to both of them that issues involving little Z would stay firmly between her parents, and that I would always defer to his decisions in that regard. I was not going to be a go between. I even had to ask my husband’s ex mother in law to leave when she began insulting him under his own roof.

As the months went on, probably because I wasn’t playing the game with them, I became the target of horrible accusations of neglect and abuse. Even my innocent children were pulled into the fray. They were insulted and maligned as well. Through all of this I refused to have contact with either of them. I do not speak, call, or email. I do not acknowledge them. Period. Why? Because I don’t have to. My husband HAS to deal with his daughter’s mother, but I do not.

Don’t feel bad if you have to….

Disengage when necessary.

Of course, just because my stepdaughter and I get along well, doesn’t mean things are always smooth sailing. For example, it seems to be a common lot of stepmothers to give and “do” without being thanked. I stopped buying gifts for my stepdaughter because I never heard thanks. My husband has had to have several conversations with her about being polite, saying Good Morning and Good Night, and Hello when coming home from school, etc. To be a stepmom is to be ignored, much of the time.

Interestingly, this same phenomenon isn’t as common for stepDADS. My kids are far more affectionate, warm and friendly to my husband. I’m not implying they’re superior. It just seems to be part of our culture to deify mothers (whether they deserve it or not), so my stepdaughter’s friendship with me would be a betrayal of the love she has for her mother. I understand that intellectually, but sometimes it hurts still.

There have been a couple of occasions when I have told little Z how her actions made me feel. For instance, the home schooled kids and I have attended two events at her public school to acknowledge her. But last week when an event was planned to acknowledge the home schooled kids, she didn’t want to attend (this was not the first time this happened).

I reminded her that if she didn’t feel the need to go to an event that honored the other kids, we weren’t obligated to attend her public school events either. She quickly changed her mind. I think she simply needed to be reminded of our feelings in the matter – she is family, and her presence was wanted. I didn’t pout or sulk or treat her with coldness, I told her how I felt.

It has been a joy watching my stepdaughter develop love for her half sister, the “ours” baby. Having siblings is something she had never experienced until I came into the picture, and despite the vehement protests of her mother, I know I have given her a very precious gift. Who would choose to live life again without their siblings? They enrich one’s life in a way that cannot be measured.

My hope is that my stepdaughter and I will continue to have a good “working relationship”, and that someday (perhaps when she is grown and has the benefit of perspective), I will have her appreciation and she will have warmth towards me. So you could say I have…

Realistic Expectations

I don’t expect my stepdaughter to love me like a mother, and I didn’t expect to feel the same way about her as I do my bio kids. Having unrealistic expectations, thinking that because you are in love with a man that things will automatically be picture perfect, is a recipe for emotional disaster and depression.

Focus on the Positive

My stepdaughter lives with me full time, which makes me a minority among stepmoms. This arrangement has actually been a blessing. We have had more time to get to know each other. My stepdaughter isn’t as spoiled or immature as some kids whose fathers only see them part time (the Disney Dad phenomenon). I have more time to see her positive qualities, and she mine.

When things are getting on my nerves, I can remind myself of the positives of my situation and of my stepdaughter’s personality. She is a talented musician and artist, she is kind to her siblings, and she is a good girl. She loves my cooking Because of me, she is seeing a different way of being, and especially a different way of mothering. I am so happy of that for her.

I’m also very grateful that my husband hasn’t made things harder for me by doing some of the things men can do to hurt their second wives. Although it is understandably difficult for him at times, he is very good at listening to me when I need to come to him with a complaint. He has also set boundaries with his ex wife and I’ve never felt jealous of their interaction.

I consider my family special. We’re all a little hurting, and a little damaged. But we found each other, and we take care of and love each other.

Like an antique quilt that is sewn together from pieces of fabric that are by themselves nothing but scraps, we have made something unique and beautiful.

There are a lot of other wonderful bits of advice in The Happy Stepmother. The author mentions one of my favorite authors and researchers, Dr. John Gottman, frequently. There are a lot of self care tips to remind a woman that when she’s in a potentially stressful situation like a blended family, it is OKAY to take time for the things you enjoy.

Are you a stepmother? What have you done to make your marriage, family and yourself happier?

photo credit: Muffet

Today I had to go out and get my car tag renewed. As usual I had a few kids in tow. Shortly after we got into line, a mother entered with 2 small kids.

The younger, a little boy of about 3 or 4, quickly began making his presence known. He was very loud. And he began running around in the small space between the line of customers and the high counters. While this kid didn’t really bother me, I wondered how long it would be before he overturned something, bumped into someone or fell (which would lead to louder protests).

It made me aware of the little tricks I’d developed over the years to help my kids learn how to behave when I run errands.

While I don’t mean this as a criticism of the other mother, I like it when my children don’t bring about that collective “oh no” look of stress that often crosses people’s faces when a young kid or two (or 3 or more!) enters a space usually reserved for adult, businesslike activities.

I don’t want MY kids eliciting that look from the people around them.

My children often get complimented when I take them on errands. For instance, at the grocery store where I shop, the cashiers recognize my kids and will sometimes mention to onlookers that they’re “the best kids who shop here”. It’s a tiny bit embarassing, but don’t think that I don’t feel proud!

So here are my tips for running errands with kids and getting appropriate behavior.

Remind them of your expectations.

I let my kids know what my expectations are before I enter a space. For example, the other week when we went on a field trip to the History Center, I took the kids aside for a little “pep talk” before we walked in. I reminded them that we represented: Christians, homeschoolers, and large families – as well as OUR family, and that our behavior would cause people to draw conclusions about all of those groups.

With younger kids (like 7 and under), name very specific behaviors that are Ok or not. “I want you to walk, don’t run. Talk with a quiet voice _like this_. Stay where you can see me at all times.”

Engage and entertain.

With my older kids, I’ll often remind them to bring along a book if I know there will be some waiting involved in the errand. With younger kids, I like to give them my attention when I can, knowing that at some point in the transaction I’ll be focused on the business at hand. This helps prevent acting up behavior from a little one. With the older ones, I sometimes have to remind them that “I need to do business with this adult for a moment but you can tell me about that later“.

(Of course, there have been moments when an older kid who should know better was chattering away constantly at me when I had asked for quiet, and that request came out more like “I can’t hear myself think for your nonstop chattering, please be quiet until we get to the car!” I’m not perfect.

For instance today when Sadie started getting a little rambunctious waiting in line, I engaged her in a game of I Spy.

Another good game for a kid her age is to ask them to find all the objects in the room that begin with “A”, moving through the alphabet (teaching colors and letters at the same time!).

Sometimes I let Sadie play a little tic tac toe game on my phone, but one exception to the entertainment thing is this:

I don’t allow my big kids to play their Nintendo DSi while we are around other people. It irritates me when I see kids bumping into things or being completely unhelpful or unfriendly to their parents and others because their face is in a screen.

Of course I have to set the example here by staying off my phone while in public places. The other day my stepdaughter was injured because a fellow skater tripped over her at the skating rink … because she was skating while texting. If my nose is in my phone, I can’t give my kids the attention they need either.

When I’m shopping the boys are usually pushing the buggy or helping me retrieve groceries, and the girls are often doing the same. Part of the reason my kids have the reputation they do at the store is because they are truly helpful to me – and sometimes others. I consider it part of my job as a parent to teach my kids to be helpful to people around them, not just entertained all the time.

Reward

Of course, I don’t and can’t reward my kids every single time I leave the house, but occasionally the kids are treated to a hot cocoa at Starbucks or something because their behavior was particularly good when I took them somewhere.

I know there is the whole “punished by rewards” thing, but my heavenly Father promises me a reward eventually so it must not be too bad. Seriously, I don’t give out coins or stickers for every instance of behavior that I consider proper, but I do like to treat my kids from time to time.

The reward can also be verbal. I took the girls aside when we left the tag office today and put my arms around them and told them how much I appreciated their being so patient and sweet while I took care of this (boring) errand.

Breathe.

Of course, not every errand has gone well all the time. While I’ve never experienced a kid having a tantrum in the grocery store, I have certainly had a whiny/grumbly/impatient kid, particularly when an errand was ill-timed (when someone was hungry or tired or coming down with something).

When that happens I try to remind myself that this is a season of life that will end, and when it does and my kids have grown into large beings with size 12 feet and hairy legs (it’s starting!) they won’t even want to run errands with mom anymore. My oldest is already there and usually stays home. And sometimes I miss him!

What do you do to teach your kids good behavior when on outings and errands?

Last night, 3 of my children decided it was a lovely night for a fire.

So they built one.

Then they decided it was a lovely night to camp outside.

So they set up their tent.

In the morning, they were cold.

So they built another fire.

Then they got hungry.

So they cooked eggs over said fire.

They did all of these things with no input and very minimal supervision from me or my husband.

To say I’m not a “helicopter parent” would be an understatement.

So I was eager to read Gever Tulley’s book 50 Dangerous Things (You Should Let Your Children Do).

It’s pretty funny that my 10 year old said, “Mom, this book is boring. We’ve already done all this stuff!”

Actually, when I read through the book I dogeared the pages with activities I knew the kids had engaged in.

Things like: sleeping outdoors alone, making a bomb in a bag, playing with fire, making a rope swing, climbing trees.

Turns out there are many things they have done that I didn’t know about!

I think my son was kidding when he said the book was boring.

It’s the only book I can remember that interested all 4 of my readers.

Here are 3 of them poring over the book.

My stepdaughter set out to make a slingshot not long after I took this picture.

50 Dangerous Things not only suggests activities that are educational and fun for kids, they also tell you as a parent WHY these things are valuable to learn.

Not the least of which is, in my opinion, to get it out of their system! If everything is forbidden, I have the opinion that it becomes more attractive to children.

You might also enjoy Gever Tulley’s TED page.

What do you think about kids doing “dangerous” things?

Everyone who has an opinion seems to agree that spending time outside is necessary for our physical and emotional health. Experts are concerned that our kids especially are suffering from “nature deficit”.

If you’ve ever felt challenged in this area, here’s a great resource for you:

Fifteen Minutes Outside: 365 Ways to Get Out of the House and Connect with Your Kids

I couldn’t agree more with the experts.

There are so many more things indoors that keep kids entertained these days, and parents are increasingly (and perhaps irrationally) encouraging their kids to stay in the house.

As part of my Happiness Project, I make sure I get outside for at least 20 minutes a day. I’ve found it to be one of the simplest, easiest and fastest ways for me to boost my mood. I know my kids are no different.

For the most part, I don’t have to encourage them to go outside. They invent games (like a hybrid croquet game they came up with after finding a croquet set in the backyard of our rental home), they jump on the trampoline, ride bikes, and swing. We go to the park a lot, play soccer, visit playgrounds, and outdoor swimming pools in the summer.

One of my kids, whom I sometimes lovingly refer to as “my little Vampire”, rarely wants to go outside. So for him, I take the initiative to invite him to accompany me on my daily walk. He loves the one on one time, and he gets some fresh air too.

My challenge is keeping this up for myself and my kids when the weather is less than gorgeous! This is where Rebecca’s book comes in.

It has little ideas (one for each day of the year) that will guide you on winter days, rainy days and just plain less than perfect days. Things like:

• Create your own drive in theater
• December bird count
• Harvest a fall crop

None of the ideas are extremely time consuming or require a lot of prep work. I look forward to trying some of these out when late Fall and Winter come around, when I usually feel like hibernating!

How do you get outside with your kids? Please share your tips and challenges below.

In any family, there is conflict. In a larger family, there is more conflict!

This week for family meeting, the important item on the agenda was:

Conflict Resolution

I created a simple Conflict Resolution Model and printed it out.

photo credit: garycycles3

It goes something like this:

1) I FEEL…

2) WHEN YOU…

3) I NEED…

4) Now, LISTEN

So it would sound something like this:

“I feel (emotion – sad, angry, etc) when you (behavior – take my stuff, call me a name, etc).  I need you to (action – ask, say it in a kinder way).”

Then you WAIT for the other person’s response/explanation/attempt to repair etc and repeat back what they said.

We did some role playing and the kids got to take turns being Person A (the one who is “bugged”) and Person B (the responder). We also talked about how important it is to handle conflict gently. Since siblings are more or less stuck with each other, minimizing the wear and tear can make them happier, as well as their parents. And happy parents are so much more fun!

Here is the cheat sheet I made. It’s a Google Doc so you can download, edit and print it if you like:

——–> Conflict Resolution Model

There is entirely too much “exploding” that goes on when someone has a problem with someone else’s behavior around here. My hope is that giving the kids proper conflict resolution training to air their complaint gently but effectively will help minimize that. Name calling, yelling and accusing are big No-Nos too.

It will also help eliminate tattling. We don’t have a big problem with this because I’ve never rewarded tattling. But if someone comes to us with a complaint, we will check to make sure they’ve taken steps to resolve the conflict peacefully first, before intervening.

I also hope that by reminding them and modeling these skills, they’ll keep them as adults. Learning to resolve conflict peacefully and still be heard is a challenge that many adults have never mastered. If they “get” this, they’ll be one step ahead in their friendships, in the workplace, and in their marriages.

How have you taught your kids to resolve their problems? What’s worked for you?

It’s hard to believe my little one is almost 9 months old. She has almost 4 teeth. She can say “mama, ba-doo (brother), ba-per (diaper), neeeee!! (nurse). She’s crawling. Backwards, but that counts.

It seems like yesterday I was kissing her sweet little fuzzy newborn head.

This baby has seemed pretty easy. Some of that is because she’s my fifth, but another big reason for it is because I know better how to take care of myself with a new baby.

I did things a little differently this time. I slowed down. I rested more. And I ate really well. So I really haven’t felt the sleep deprivation, and have managed to avoid a lot of the aches and pains (physical as well as emotional) that often accompany new motherhood.

And so I offer to  you some of my best advice on:

How To Enjoy the Postpartum Period

First, some other things I’ve written about postpartum life:

• The challenges of being a new mom
• A podcast about how our actual experience of new motherhood often doesn’t match our cultural expectation
• This article with advice for visitors who drop by

Eat and Drink Well

This can’t be overestimated. Hopefully during your pregnancy you’ve eaten well. If morning/noon/night sickness or food aversions made that difficult, the good news is that once baby is born, food tastes normal and wonderful again. That, and pooping will become easier. And less burping and heartburn.

There aren’t any special rules about eating for motherhood, just make sure you have easy, healthy snacks to grab while you’re nursing. Low blood sugar can hit you like a ton of bricks, leading you to reach for sweets or caffeine for a boost. Bad idea. Have lots of fruits, nuts, and raw veggies you like on hand. Have hubby or an older kid or your mother or a guest chop these up nice and load them onto a “nibble tray”.

After my 4th was born, my sister gave me this cookbook: The One-Armed Cook: Quick and Easy Recipes, Smart Meal Plans, and Savvy Advice for New (and Not-So-New) Moms. I still love it. After a few weeks “off”, when you get back into the kitchen with a newborn strapped to your body, you still aren’t up to spending an hour cooking every night. These recipes are all EASY and FAST. And no chopping. Hence the name!

Make sure you ASK people ahead of time to bring you dinner those first couple of weeks. People like to help but don’t always know how to ask. Tell them what you really want (in lieu of flowers or baby outfits that will be outgrown in 5 minutes) is DINNER. If you don’t have great friends like I do, then bake casseroles and cook stews in your final month of pregnancy, freeze and instruct hubby or an older kid on the finer art of the defrost and cook.

Avoid the habit of drinking caffeine to compensate for fatigue. I see moms all over the internet bragging about how much coffee they drink. This is a disturbing trend, in my opinion. If your body is tired, REST IT. All that coffee isn’t good for your baby if you’re nursing, and it isn’t good for you either. Drink water, and NAP. Sit down to nurse your baby, put your feet up, and relax. This is why God didn’t create us with teats that hang to the ground like cows. He wanted us to relax (and duh – nursing hormones make you feel sleepy to motivate you to de-stress!).

Medicate

I’m not usually one to advocate using drugs, but if you have wicked afterbirth pains like I do (and they get worse after each delivery!), use some over the counter pain reliever to help you manage. Ask your Dr or Midwife what they suggest.

Make sure you have a heating pad, Advil, and AfterEase tincture for after baby’s arrival. When the pains hit, practice your deep breathing exercises, curl up in a ball, or lay on your belly flat on the bed. A glass of wine couldn’t hurt (not with the Advil of course). Some women swear by a liquid calcium/magnesium supplement. Binding your belly can also help, because it keeps the abdomen sucked in and therefore the uterus tight. I used the BellyBandit after my last baby, and loved it.

(<— that’s me, taking my own advice)

Getting Enough Rest

If you haven’t already, and you have other kids who don’t nap, implement a quiet time. If your other kids do nap, then sleep when they sleep.

I really don’t consider the postpartum daily nap (at least for the first 3 months, minimum) a luxury. It is a necessity for your mental state. Even if you can’t sleep, lay down and close your eyes for at least 20 minutes.

The more you rest in the early postpartum week, the better your life will be at 3, 6 and 9 months postpartum.

The easier your milk will flow, and the less you will struggle with low supply, exhaustion, stress and other issues.

Go Outside

If weather is permitting, be sure to spend a few minutes outside every day in the first few weeks postpartum. It’s good for the baby (use common sense, keep them out of direct strong sun) because it will help teach them day versus night. It’s good for you because you need the fresh air, the Vitamin D, and to be reminded that there is a huge world out there, and you’re not crazy just because you’re sitting around weeping when you look at your baby. Getting outside reminds you that life will get back to normal soon enough, and you’ll miss those nutty postpartum emotions.

Simplify, Delegate, Systematize

It’s not surprising that God equips moms with this huge surge of energy just before they give birth. This is the time to prepare for life once baby arrives. Some tips:

• Go paper, not cloth. I know, I know. This is usually a place you’ll be encouraged to swap paper towels for microfiber, but during the first postpartum weeks, you have permission to go… whatever the opposite of green is on the color wheel. Use paper plates and plastic utensils. Buy the recycled ones if it makes you sleep better at night. Stock up on disposable cleaning wipes. The funny thing about being postpartum is that you want everything super neat and clean, but you shouldn’t be the one to make it that way!
• Laundry is D.I.Y. Teach any child over 10 how to operate the washer and dryer. And require them to do their own laundry for the first few weeks after you have a new baby. This will have the effect of them producing far less laundry overall, which is a win/win for you once you take over the task. Unless you do what I did, and hand it permanently over to the 12 year old.
• Systematize meal planning, homeschooling, and everything else. Whatever you find yourself having to do over and over? Get a better plan for it. I signed up for E-Mealz meal planner (it creates meals out of what’s on sale at my favorite grocery store) so I would always know what was for dinner (I still subscribe!). I printed out daily checklists for the kids so I didn’t have to do as much reminding.

Pretty Up

Last but not least, do what you need to do to feel cute again. Pregnancy and new mom-hood can do a number on your self image. You’re fatter curvier than you used to be, and nothing fits. And you sure as heck don’t want to don your maternity clothes!

Set aside some money in the budget to buy yourself some cute new tops. Your old ones won’t fit while your new humongous milk filled boobs do their thing anyway. Buy some new earrings, and some cute flats. Go for bright colors and not the ubiquitous black you wore in hopes it would slim you. (Yeah, right!)

Splurge on a new lipstick, a pedicure, and trim your hair. Wear comfy nursing bras that actually fit well (helping to prevent mastitis). And absolutely do not stress about losing the pregnancy weight yet. This time, I repeated the mantra “9 months on, 9 months off” over and over to myself. I ate well and exercised, and didn’t worry too much about the excess weight. Remember that your body holds on to a little fat as an insurance policy to ensure you have enough nourishment to feed your baby. (I’m almost back to my pre-pregnancy size as of this writing.)

A sign of healthy self esteem is caring about your appearance. Even if it’s just you and baby all day, take time to fix yourself up a little so that when you look in the mirror, you feel good about yourself.

So that’s about it.

What’s your favorite postpartum life advice? What did you do to make things more enjoyable during your babymoons?

Sometimes you gotta pull the Mom card.

Like earlier.

When I was in the bathroom doing what one does in the bathroom. (Sorry for the visual.)

And one 8 year old daughter comes up banging on the door (of course), asking,

“Moooo-oom, can I watch SpongeBob on your compuuuuuuter?“

“No honey, not now.”

“Whyyyyyy?”

Now.

I could just say “because I said so.” Nothing wrong with that. But it sounds a little authoritarian, and I like giving my children reasons. I don’t want them to think that I arbitrarily say No. God gives us reasons.

I could list all the reasons. But that would be tiring, and an 8 year old doesn’t really care about my reasons. (I don’t want you to watch TV before schoolwork, I want to reserve that for later when I’m really tired and need some quiet, I don’t want you on the laptop without supervision, because you asked me while I was in the bathroom, etc.)

All good reasons, only I don’t have the energy to say all that. So I just say No.

“But whyyyyy?”

Sigh. It’s early, she hasn’t had breakfast yet, so I let this little bit of whiny slide.

And then I heard the following magic words come out of my lips:

“I have my reasons.”

Silence.

I hear feet pad down the hall, away from the bathroom door.

Apparently it’s enough for her that I *have* reasons. There’s no arguing or begging.

I have my reasons.

You can borrow it. I’m all about sharing like that.

“Hi Carrie,

Attached is my first child’s birth story along with a few photos.  Thanks for the opportunity to share. I love your site and your podcast, I’ve been a listener for several years and it has been such a great resource.”

Mendy

Thanks so much for sharing this Mendy! (Her home birth story follows.)

MY JOURNEY TO HOMEBIRTH

I was seven months pregnant and had cumulatively spent less than three hours thinking about giving birth.  In my first trimester I’d perused some of the last chapters of What to Expect When You’re Expecting, read some troubling snippets about epidurals, episiotomies and enemas, and decided to focus my attention on “lighter” subjects like fetal development and nursery themes.

Seven months later I sat across from my friend Bekah in the same home where I’d witnessed the incredible birth of her son less than a year before.

She was asking me some pretty direct questions regarding my feelings and plans about birth, and I really didn’t have much to say.  She reminded me, “Mendy, you ARE going to have this baby, you know.”

I cried all the way home.

Thoughts of childbirth only filled me with dread.  Bekah’s serene home birth had been one of the most incredible events I’d ever witnessed.  Why would I not want the same thing for my baby?

I had chosen to have a hospital birth with a certified nurse midwife thinking it would be the best of both worlds, but I just couldn’t feel peaceful about it.  I remembered how instantly comfortable I had felt with Bekah’s midwife, K, and how impressed I’d been by the way she interacted with Bekah as she labored.  I knew they had a special relationship and lengthy appointments leading up to the birth.  Though my experiences at the women’s health center had been positive, I’d probably seen my midwife a whole 20 minutes.

I decided to get busy working on my birth plan.

As Bekah had pointed out, having a hospital birth would mean that I would need to be assertive and stand up for what I wanted in terms of procedures and interventions—especially in a hospital with a 25% cesarean rate.  Up to this time, I hadn’t really even bothered to learn about these choices and possibilities.  I found some sample birth plans online and as I began to go through the options a pattern began to emerge:  basically, I wanted to turn down just about every procedure the hospital had to offer while at the same time, requesting accommodations that might not be permitted.

As I learned about the comfort measures that promoted natural childbirth—and how important it was to be in a place where I’d feel safe and relaxed—it became obvious that a home birth was definitely the best choice for me.  I shared what I’d learned with my husband, Clyde, who let me know that he’d support whatever choice I made.  I contacted K and was overjoyed to learn that she would be able to be our midwife!

We met with K and her apprentice and we began to prepare for our home birth.  They spent so much time with us, answering our questions, giving guidance about nutrition and fitness, monitoring my health and the baby’s progress.  It was obvious that they really cared and were invested in us.

They recommended that Clyde and I take a childbirth class geared specifically for homebirthers.  This was a wonderful experience, especially for Clyde.  Although I’d been sharing highlights from books I’d been reading, this class really helped him know what to expect and how he could help, even how to catch the baby himself, if needed or desired.  I was encouraged and empowered as we learned about the stages of labor and birth and the different strategies that could help throughout the process.

THE BIG DAY

I began leaking fluid around 3 in the morning.  I took a shower and tried to follow the early labor advice I’d received from my childbirth class—try to ignore labor as long as you can and GO TO BED!  I slept until around 5 when I woke Clyde to tell him I didn’t think he’d be going to work that morning.  Amidst mild contractions we remade the bed and started hauling out supplies.

I called our birth team while Clyde made me a comfy spot on the couch and started putting the birth tub together.   K reminded me to “think marathon” (first-time moms often have lengthy labors) and encouraged me to rest.  By 6 the contractions began requiring my full attention.

I tried lying on my side on the couch, then all fours on the floor, leaning over an exercise ball, but about the only thing that seemed to bring relief was Clyde massaging and putting pressure on my lower back.  This was a challenge because he was also busy filling up the tub (we’d opted for a water birth) and had discovered that we’d already maxed out the hot water tank.  While Clyde continued boiling water and rubbing my back, I called for reinforcements and my dad came by to take over water hauling duties.

My contractions were feeling pretty intense and though I knew their frequency and duration was speeding up, I was afraid that I still had a long way to go and hoped I’d be able to handle it.  I was a noisy laborer, and when K’s apprentice called to check on us the intensity of my moans in the background let her know she’d better come on over.  When she arrived around 9 I was 7 cm dilated and was finally able to get in the tub.  The warm water felt great on my back and I felt more relief as I was able to move my hips more easily with the water supporting me.

Bekah and K arrived soon afterward.  Bekah made sure I kept hydrated and began praying for and coaching me to help my breathing and moaning relaxed and productive.  K and her apprentice prepared the supplies for the birth and monitored my progress and the baby’s heart rate.

I must have been pretty encouraged by the arrival of our wonderful support team, because I don’t really remember going through a dramatic transition experience.  I got out of the water so that K could check me, but was glad to get back in quickly because it definitely was making a difference in my perception of pain.  Clyde got in with me and continued to put pressure on my back.

Around 10:30 I was able to begin pushing.  I’m not sure what I had thought “pushing” meant, but was somehow surprised to find out that it really meant PUSHING!  (I think I thought my body would do it for me in some involuntary way, but it turns out that it really means “bear down so hard you see stars.”)  It was hard work, but I knew that I was the only one who could push my baby out, so I PUSHED (with no tearing in spite of a hand-presentation)!  In less than 2 ½ hours, we held our beautiful baby boy, Eli, in our arms.

Clyde and I were able to take all of the time we needed to just be amazed by this little person—to meet and touch and make eye contact and hold him close, while K almost imperceptibly assisted and monitored as needed.

He was alert and calm and a champion eater from the start.  It was great to enjoy our first moments and days with Eli in the privacy and comfort of our own home surrounded by close friends and family.

I am thankful for the journey to homebirth that required me to take personal responsibility for my family in a much deeper way and for the opportunity to have a natural birth.

Both of these experiences have been invaluable in preparing and empowering me for the many challenges, decisions and responsibilities of motherhood.

Our choice to birth at home required much more from Clyde as well and my love, respect and connection with him deepened through this experience.  I am unspeakably grateful for the beautiful and peaceful way in which we were able to welcome Eli into the world.  It’s wonderful to be able to personally testify that birth can truly be a serene and sacred event.

Little miss Ruby is sick.

Boohoo.

Her first time.

My perfect little baby.

Isn’t it so tragic when a tiny baby gets sick?

It bursts that little bubble you have in your head about your newborn being so perfect and new and fresh.

She hath a widdle code in her nothe.

Her little nose is all red, her eyes watery. She has a hard time working up the mucus. She spits it up, wads of it.

Sadie started feeling poorly on Saturday with the same symptoms. Sadie adores her baby sister of course. Lots of tummy raspberries and such.

“Aaaahhhh …. maa baa bwaaaa”, she says.

(Mommy I feel bad.)

Isn’t breastmilk supposed to be some magical elixir guaranteeing my baby will never ever ever get sick?

Mostly .

Except life isn’t perfect.

There are things you can’t control. Scary things that can hurt your babies.

I remember that 3 of my babies got sick, but only after they started eating lots of solid foods and crawling around. But one, the second born, got bronchiolitis at the tender age of 6 weeks.  (His big brother had croup.)

Of course, this is nothing.

Some families have pictures of hospitalized babies on their blogs, wires and tubes sticking out of them everywhere.

I’m really fortunate.

So I spend a lot of time just holding her and very, very gingerly wiping her nose with warm damp flannel cloths (if you do it one nostril at a time, it’s less upsetting). I had the cool mist humidifier running all night with essential oils in it. A drop of lavender on her tummy.  And mommy sitting up most of the night propped up on several pillows.

Sickness isn’t so bad.

It gives you time (permission?) to just BE with your child. To let other things slide.

You know?