To My Husband, On Our First Anniversary
August 24, 2010 | 2 Comments
My Dear Z,
I want you to know how much I appreciate you and all the things you do for our family.
This might sound odd, but I’ve been thinking of that young woman you dated before you met me. The one from Colorado, who said you “weren’t sophisticated enough”.
What a silly little fool she is.
What she doesn’t know is that she might go on to meet and marry that sophisticated guy. And that he’ll flirt with every other woman he sees. He might be arrogant and insist on always having his way. He might be narcissistic and vain, not allowing her to express herself when they disagree, always interrupting. He might be too immature to get along with a boss in order to make a decent living. He might not be faithful to her, and he might break her heart over and over again.
I’m a whole lot smarter than her, and I know what’s important.
Love isn’t silly fairy tales and butterflies and breaking up with someone just because they listen to country music and you don’t.
Love is remembering that she wanted to go see Dave Ramsey live and buying her tickets. Love is taking her to eat Indian on your anniversary because it’s her favorite. It’s being challenged and sick and even bored together yet still supporting each other. It’s holding hands and telling her she’s a wonderful mother. It’s filling her tank with gas and washing the car on Friday night. Love is telling her she’s beautiful when she’s a week postpartum. It’s offering to rub her back every time she mentions it hurts. It’s in letting her pick the chick flick when you would rather see the action thriller, and her suggesting you go mountain biking when you’re stressed. Love is brushing your teeth and putting lipstick on before he comes home from work. It’s not raising your voice when you’re angry.
Love means saying you’re sorry.
What’s real and what’s important is having someone who will brew his coffee downstairs in the basement and give up bacon for months because the smell of it is unbearable to your pregnant nose. Someone who brings you breakfast in bed because cooking made you so sick.
What’s important is having someone who listens when you talk, who is kind, who is patient with children, and who works to earn a good living. Someone who changes diapers and cries when his baby comes into the world. (Yes, you did.)
Shortly after we got married, a never-been-married single friend asked me how I knew you were The One.
My response?
“He makes me feel safe.”
I know that you would never hurt me or my children.
I’m so thankful that you work hard for our family so that I don’t have to. I’m able to spend more time with my children since I don’t have to be the primary income earner. I’m thankful that you are a spiritual man and that you are humble and allow Him to shape you. I’m grateful that you are willing to admit when you’ve been wrong.
Not many men would have married a woman with 4 children, but you did. I couldn’t ask for a better stepfather. I’m grateful that you don’t have a bad temper, that you are kind and loving to children that aren’t your own flesh and blood. I’m very fortunate.
We’ve been through a lot in a year.
We’ve had spiritual crisis, financial difficulties, sickness and legal trouble, emotional turmoil and drama from people who would love to see our family torn apart. We’ve merged two families and created a new baby.
I think we could get through just about anything now.
As the saying goes, some places are nice to visit, but you wouldn’t want to live there. People are like that too.
You’re a good place to live.
I’m glad I chose you.
photo: marianne taylor photography
10 Month Old Nursing/Sleeping Issues
August 15, 2010 | 3 Comments
I got this email from a friend and thought I would post it here in case anyone else had some ideas for this mom.
Dear Carrie,
Aidan (not his real name) is almost 10 months and I am still nursing. I have noticed that over the past month or so he nurses more and more for comfort and for going to sleep. He nurses about 3-4 times during the day and it usually coincides with napping.
At night I have to nurse for him to go to sleep and each time he wakes up he will not go back to sleep until I nurse him again. You can’t just pat him or console him.
He sleeps with us and has since he was born. He wakes up to nurse anywhere for 2 to 4 times a night. The only times he will fall asleep without nursing is while in the car or the rare cases when we are out and rocking him (these times though take a long time and he is really so tired he passes out).
Here are my two major concerns:
1. He goes to sleep before we do and also naps alone. This is now really unsafe because he is mobile! He can sit up and crawl so leaving him in our bed is very dangerous. But he is a very light sleeper. I am unable to move him once he is asleep….he wakes up each time and wants to nurse again. I have tried many things and nothing is working, any suggestions?
These are a few of things I have tried so far:
- Nursing while holding him and once he is asleep putting him in his own bed – he wakes up each time as I’m putting him down….screams and cries (to the point he throws up) until I pick him up.
- Nursing him the same way he is used to (while I am laying beside him)…once asleep picking him up and moving him. I can get him all the way to the new bed and he wakes up.
- Rocking him to sleep – this takes a couple of hours – then once he is asleep we are unable to put him down without him waking up. (the couple of times I was able to put him down without him waking up he only slept for about 10 mins and then woke up screaming until I got him)
2. He will not take a pacifier or suck his thumb…..nursing is the only thing the “pacifies” him. Which means I am the only one that puts him to bed. Also, as I start weaning him from nursing for nourishment I am also faced with the fact that he uses nursing as a comfort to go to sleep.
I am totally lost here and as more time goes by I feel that the remedy will be harder and harder. Please let me know what you think. Thank you so much!
Mommy M
My response:
Hey M,
There is a great book that I recommend by Elizabeth Pantley called The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night
It has tons of great suggestions and is very breastfeeding-mom friendly. It doesn’t encourage a cry it out approach like some of the other books about sleep.
Nighttime Parenting: How to Get Your Baby and Child to Sleep
Anyway… been there done that! I’ve been in a similar situation a couple of times. Is it a problem for your family meaning you and hubby) that he needs you at night? Because if it isn’t, he’ll eventually grow out of it, I promise!
A baby that age is going through so many changes. Teething, getting mobile, etc… that waking (and therefore, nursing) more at night is their way of coping. Two steps forward, one step back… you’ve figured out that it’s MUCH more than just milk (nourishment) for them.
I know it’s sometimes hard to get everyone’s needs met. Baby needs comfort, mama needs sleep, daddy needs… attention. Have you thought of getting him a toddler or twin bed in his own room and nursing him to sleep there then sneaking off? You could buy one of those little youth beds (like the ones from IKEA) that is low to the ground and has side rails. That might be an option.
Let me know if any of that helps. Time tends to fix all these issues, all babies eventually become independent at night. I promise!
Carrie
She responded with another great idea of her own:
Mommy M:
Thank you so much….I guess just hearing a mommy say that he will grow out of it on his own makes me feel better. We do not like the cry it out method at all….so I will for sure look into those books.
My hubby just said last night that we should pull the mattress out of his crib and put it on the floor so I can put him to bed there and prevent the fall out of our bed. We still love him sleeping with us at night so most likely once we go to bed I will bring him in with us.
What You Can Learn at LLL Meetings (Other Than Breastfeeding)
April 15, 2010 | Leave a Comment
Most people know that if they want help with breastfeeding, they can look to La Leche League for good information and support. Considered the “world’s foremost authority on breastfeeding”, it’s the first resource many moms look to if they’re experiencing challenges.
But even if you’re not having a nursing challenge, you might enjoy attending an LLL meeting. There is a common misconception that if you’re not currently breastfeeding, or currently having some issue, that you can’t benefit.
So not true.
While LLLI is a breastfeeding organization, the women who attend meetings are an awesome collection of ladies who are a wonderful resource of all kinds of mothering and family topics. There are several things you might get from your local LLL group that may surprise you:
photo credit: david owen
Hook up with a co-op – At an LLL group I attended years ago, I met a mom who coordinated a buying club. Trying to find a co-op or start your own by searching online can be frustrating. I also found a co-op for raw milk and made a friend who supplied me with kombucha and kefir grains, free of charge!
Find a homebirth midwife – I think it’s pretty safe to assume that there are a higher percentage of women who hang out around LLL who have had homebirths in comparison to the general population. If you’re trying to find a homebirth midwife, ask around before or after an LLL meeting.
Learn the art of babywearing – When I went to my first LLL meeting, it was with the sole purpose of getting help with making my baby sling work for me and my fussy, high need baby. Seeing women who actually used baby carriers was helpful, as was the hands on assistance the moms in the group gave me.
Find a good Pediatrician or Lactation Consultant – LLL leaders aren’t in the business of recommending health care providers. But if you want to find a Pediatrician who will actually be supportive and knowledgeable of breastfeeding, listen up or ask around among the moms. Surprisingly, there are plenty of Lactation Consultants out there who aren’t helpful and who disperse flat out bad advice. But good ones exist. Among the best are retired LLL leaders!
Good reads – How many times have you picked out what you thought would be a helpful parenting book from the library or store that turned out to be totally contrary to your beliefs? LLL groups keep a lending library. Some are open only to members, others to anyone. The books that make up the group library are breastfeeding and “gentle mothering” friendly and won’t lead you astray.
Learn your community – Having babies or small kids and being in a new area can be isolating and depressing. If you’ve just moved, head to an LLL meeting to find out where the good parks, consignment shops, and other cool spots for kids and moms are. Looking for the local homeschooling support group? Ask your friends at an LLL meeting.
Special assistance – While LLL leaders are trained to help moms with “garden variety” breastfeeding challenges, if you have a rare or especially difficult problem, you can also get help. Your local leader has access to a database of leaders who have personal experience with unusual issues. For instance: nursing triplets, nursing with cleft lip/palate, nursing after breast surgery, stubborn thrush, food allergies, nursing while pregnant, tandem nursing, etc. Some leaders also do hospital or home visits to help you if you can’t make it to a meeting. If you’ve just given birth, call your local leader to find one who will visit you in your home to assist you with latching baby on. (LLL leaders do this free of charge.)
Review: Random Line Drawing Games
April 9, 2010 | Leave a Comment
The folks at Random Line asked me if I would like to try some of their drawing games, and I said yes.
My kids love to draw.
I also thought some of the smaller “Squiggle pads” would be great for keeping them busy in the car (hopefully minimizing some of the cooped up car fighting!).
The basic premise of these games is that they stimulate your kid’s natural artistic ability and creativity without limiting them too much (the complaint some have with coloring books, for instance).
They are given a “random line” (hence the name!), basically some abstract line on the paper, and are encouraged to draw something using that.
I was really stunned when I saw some of the creations my 9 year old son and 10 year old da
ughter came up with (they are both very artistically inclined).
You can see the kids playing the “Squiggle Connect” board game above. The day this game arrived, the kids played it together for over an hour.
I think they like it!
My 7 year old daughter also loved the “Squiggle Style” fashion game. It has a set of dry erase markers and a small dry erase board with a woman’s figure on it. She draws different outfits on the outline. The little fashionista in the family, she enjoyed this one a lot until a few of the markers got lost.
The best thing about these games is that they are quiet (no noise and no batteries required) and get the kids drawing and being creative.
You can find more games from Random Line on Amazon.
Disclaimer: I received no compensation (other than samples of the products themselves to facilitate this review) from this company.
Wifey Wednesday: What I Wish I Had Known
March 10, 2010 | 5 Comments
When I heard about Sheila of To Love, Honor and Vaccum’s Wifey Wednesday meme, I thought it would be fun to write about.
I’ve typically avoided the topic of marriage on this blog. For almost 3 years I blogged here as a single mom. My marriage ended after 12 years. What the heck do I know? I didn’t want to seem like a hypocrite.
But after a long time of reflection and self examination, I’ve come to know that there really isn’t anything I could have done to prevent the end of my first marriage. My ex husband and I have a pretty good relationship now as co-parents, and I’m proud of that. I think we’ve both learned a lot and grown as people. While I still grieve for the loss of my first family and wish my kids weren’t children of divorce, I think we’ve done about as good as two people can since the divorce.
This week Sheila asked women to write about what they wish they had known as new brides. Since I’ve only been married to my current husband for less than 7 months, we’re still in that awkward newlywed phase. I’m eager for the first couple of years to be over. This time is fun but somewhat difficult as you get to know each other.
Still, I’ve been a married woman since I was 19 years old. I’ve learned a lot about men and marriage in general. Here are my thoughts:
What I Wish I Had Known About Men and Marriage Years Ago
#1 – I wish I had not taken his moods personally.
When my first husband came home from work in a foul mood, I wish I had shrugged that off. I’m able to do that now. Perhaps because I’m older, I’m able to give someone the space to have their feelings without getting sucked in? That takes emotional maturity and confidence. Sadly, I know people who have been married for decades who can’t do this very well. When one is in a low mood, they both are.
#2- I wish I had understood that good sex is a gift you give yourself.
It’s so easy to use kids/fatigue/hormones/body image issues etc as an excuse not to be intimate, but it’s a whole lot easier to put up with his personality quirks and weaknesses when you’re having lots of orgasms!
The other day a friend confided in me that despite loving her husband deeply and enjoying sex when they have it, she has no libido. Two two babies one right after another and gaining a lot of weight, not getting enough sleep and all that may very well play a role in her desire, but still…
My advice was: “Do it anyway.” After all, we cook dinner for our children even when we’re tired or “don’t feel like it”, right? If your husband doesn’t do what you want all the time or is clueless about your feelings, you still deserve YOUR “due”. Don’t let petty annoyances deprive you of the feel good stuff that will make your relationship run more smoothly outside the bedroom.
And if your husband is selfish or has no clue that your body works differently from his, don’t blame him – SHOW him what you need. I don’t think there is a man alive who will be offended!
#3 – Marriage doesn’t make you happy
Whoa. This is a big one, and many happily married people may disagree with me, but I do not believe marriage makes you happy. Even the scriptures say that people who marriage will have “tribulation in their flesh” and the apostle Paul stated that “you’re better off as you are” (single).
Happy people are happy, period. It’s a habit, not a situation. A man won’t “make” you happy. If you’re looking for that, you’ll be miserable in your relationship. Every time he does or says something thoughtless (see #1), your “happiness” flies out the window. It’s a terrible burden to bear, that of making someone else happy.
The answer? Make yourself happy. I don’t mean being selfish. A good marriage requires unselfishness. But in my life I’ve learned that the moment I start blaming the other person for my unhappiness, I’m way off.
But, when I start doing the things I need to do in order to be happy (exercise, eating right, spending time with people I love, writing, meeting goals, focusing on my relationship with my creator, etc) then my relationship magically improves!
Snow Way!
February 13, 2010 | 1 Comment
I’ve never seen snow like this in Georgia. While we may get a light sprinkling every year or two, it usually turns to ice immediately and isn’t any good for snowball making, much less snowman construction!
The snow was so thick and powdery, it could be rolled up in big thick sheets like insulation. I could hardly believe my eyes!
The kids built a ginormous snowman about 5 feet tall. This is really unbelievable for Georgia.
Before building the snowman though, the kids first jumped into the huge piles of snow.
My goal for this “snowed in” weekend was to finish ALL the laundry.
Ha! Fat chance. With all the wet pants, gloves and socks… I doubt it’s going to happen!
Speaking of laundry strategies for the large family, I tweeted and asked for tips yesterday.
If you have any time or labor saving advice to share, please reply to my Twitter stream or leave a comment below.
Thanks again!
Personalized Coloring Books
October 26, 2009 | Leave a Comment
Several months ago I got a personalized story book for my then 7 year old son.
He loved it, so I was tickled when the folks at Frecklebox offered me a personalized coloring book for my 6 year old daughter.
Ilana loves coloring books and devours them regularly, so I knew she would be stoked to have one that has her name on every page!
She’s in First grade and is learning to read more and more each day, and seeing her name in print is fun for her. It seems that every kid’s favorite word to write, spell and read is their name. The coloring book immediately captured her attention and she hasn’t lost interest in reading it again and again.
I’ve also noticed that kids love to put their names on things they own. If you have kids with uncommon names and/or unusual spellings like I do, you can rarely find them little trinkets with their names on them.
Frecklebox also offers personalized lunch boxes, stickers, journals, puzzles, and a lot more stuff.
Neat huh?
How Did You Know?
September 24, 2009 | 7 Comments
Last Saturday night I was at a show with some friends, listening to a local band, 3 of whose members are friends of mine.
A girlfriend of mine came up to me and said (actually more accurate to say she screamed – you know how it is when you’re listening to live music!) in my ear:
“How did you know?”
I knew immediately what she meant.
This was the first time she had met my new husband. Seeing us all over each other, having a great time together, enjoying old friends but quite happy to just be in each other’s company, spurred the question.
My friend is single, never-been-married, and quite a bit younger than me, so I felt compelled to tell her something deep and profound. But what came out of my mouth was actually quite simple.
So I screamed back into her ear:
“He makes me feel safe. He takes care of me. He has since the day we met.”
I’ve felt loved before. But I’ve never felt this safe.
One of the first things he said to me, that became an often repeated phrase, was…
“I’ve got your back.”
At first I didn’t know exactly what he meant by that statement.
But as time passed, it became more clear.
I know I’m loved. I feel safe.
It showed up in little ways at first.
He once ran a quick errand to a convenience store using my car, and came back with a full tank of gas “because it would be late when I left“… and he didn’t want me pumping gas in the dark.
There had only been one other man who filled up my car with gas after using it for an errand… and that is my Daddy. 
I learned awhile ago to stop paying so much attention to what men SAY, and far more attention to what they DO.
Like when they drive an hour one way to come see you.
Every day for a month.
Of course, there were other things.
When I locked us out of the house when we were all hungry and on our way out to dinner, and instead of getting irritated, he just busted the door down with his shoulder and kept smiling.
When he told me he wanted to be a good father to my children.
When he brought me little presents and it was obvious he was paying attention to what I liked.
When I was stressed and sad and trying not to be emotional, and he pointed to his big strong shoulder and said,
“See that? You need to put your head right. there. and everything will be ok.”
… and you know that noone can ever hurt you again because they would have to go through him.
How do you know?
You know it when… he picks you up from a Green Day concert and instead of taking you home, drives you around for 4 hours because he can’t bear to part ways with you.
You know it when … he says he’ll take care of something that’s important to you… and he does.
You know when… you wake up with a sore throat, and he gets your kids ready for school, then brings you your laptop while making coffee and breakfast for you. And you also know it when you’re sick with a sniffle and he tells you to use his neti pot. (Must be love!)
You know it when… your favorite part of the day is that second when you lay your head on his shoulder and snuggle in to sleep, curled next to him.
You know it when… you’ve never felt anything like this before, and suddenly get what all the fuss is about.
You know it when… you miss him when he goes to work.
You know it when… he texts you a few minutes after leaving because he misses you too.
You know it when… you’ve only known each other for a short while and you cannot bear to go one day without seeing his face.
You know it when… you would follow him to the ends of the earth.
You know it when… he tells you he wants to move you closer to your parents (even though he knows the previous!).
You know it when… your insomnia disappears.
You know it when… you get scared and try to get rid of him, and he doesn’t go anywhere.
You know it when… you feel soooo lucky.
You know it when… he starts composing a song for you on the guitar that he cannot sing around your relatives. 
You know it when… he doesn’t bother to answer his phone or send texts or do Facebook, because he’s spending time with you.
You know it when… you make a list of the qualities in your ideal man, tuck it away and forget about it, only to find it a year later and he’s every. single. thing. on it!
You know it when… you’re always expecting him to be angry or hurtful or harsh, and he never is.
You know it when… after only having known you for a couple of months, he invites you to fly with him to another country to meet his father.
You know it when… his plans for proposing to you have to be moved up several months because he just can’t wait that long to make you his wife.
You know it when… you want to have babies right away so that just in case he got killed in a car accident, you would have his son to comfort you.
… that’s how.
P.S. And to my young friend who will unfortunately probably have to make her way through a few more before finding “the one”, I want to say this:
Look for a guy who is that special brand of manliness.
A guy who takes care of himself but who isn’t vain. Who cares for you and makes you feel safe without being controlling. Who commands, not demands, respect. Who is steady and sure and who cannot be manipulated. Who doesn’t get upset or angry without just cause, and not at you. Who is loving without being wimpy. Who is gentle and patient with children, but also firm when necessary. Who isn’t ashamed to touch you in public, but who is proud to have you on his arm. Who doesn’t make you feel like you’re falling on your face all the time. A guy who is a leader, not a dictator. A guy who loves you because you’re intelligent and doesn’t treat you like a child. A guy who knows when something is on your mind, and who actually wants to listen to you express yourself.
A guy who has the guts to pursue you and who isn’t afraid to let you know what he wants.
Because when you find that, you’ll know.
So Much To Say
September 22, 2009 | 5 Comments
“So much to say, so much to say, so much to say...”
- “So Much To Say”
Dave Matthews band
The funny thing about blogging?
The busier (and therefore more blogworthy) your life, the less you’re able to blog.
I haven’t had time to login, write and click the Publish button in far too long.
Just so much going on.
photo credit: arteunporro
I’m a happy newlywed.
A month ago I married my soul mate, my best friend…. the man who is better than anyone I could have dreamed up. I’ve never felt like this. I’ve never wanted anyone so much, never been so attracted to someone, body and soul. I’ve never loved anyone like this. (Is it ok to love someone this much?)
So much transition.
I’m also helping to blend two families. When two single, custodial parents get together, there is a lot of adjusting to do.
I’m now a mother of 5 children.
So much juggling, balancing and meeting of needs.
My biological children have needs. My stepdaughter has needs. And my husband and I have needs. Even our ex spouses and extended families have needs that we have to deal with.
I have more work to do.
My workload has increased. I have more laundry, more housework, fewer people around that I trust to help me with my children.
I have more communication, more listening to feelings, more discipline, more loving to do.
I now live an hour away from my friends, my family…
Everything is new.
New house, new school, new neighborhood, new people to worship with.
All this change is exhausting.
I have so much to say.
I have questions.
(Like for instance, if your stepdaughter loves to have Pringles in her lunchbox, but your kids aren’t allowed to eat food like that, what do you do? And where do you go to ask these kinds of questions?)
I have worries.
(How do I handle it if my husband’s ex-wife misunderstands a situation and accuses me of neglect? If my kids know how to fix their own snacks, do I expect my stepdaughter to do so also, even if this is a new experience for her? Are my biological kids ok? Is my stepdaughter ok? Everyone seems ok, is everyone ok? Will I be ok?)
I have fears.
(If I do something he doesn’t like, will my sweet, kind, patient, wonderful new husband be cruel or hurtful to me? (He won’t… but when will I stop expecting to be treated harshly?) When will his house stop being “his house” and feel like home? And is it ok to be this happy?)
I have so much to say that I don’t know where to start.
Buy/Sell Used Kid Stuff, Make Money
July 6, 2009 | 6 Comments
Something came across my email inbox and I had to share.
I’ve been pretty vocal about the fact that I dislike eBay.
I don’t like how high their fees are for sellers, I don’t like how their customer service is virtually nonexistent (and how many people have found their account deleted with no explanation), I don’t like how they automatically favor the buyer – and can take money right out of your Paypal account if a buyer makes up a sham story about an item not being as described.
photo credit: CarbonNYC
But, buying and selling used kid stuff online is a huge way to save money or make some spare cash.
Today I got an email about a site called KidZola. KidZola is basically an online classifieds site that allows you to sell your kid stuff free. (Of course you can also buy stuff.)
Let me reiterate:
Ads are free, and sellers get to keep 100 percent of the profits.
Also cool about the site is that you can have someone else sell stuff for you (similar to eBay) – called “consultants”, these guys keep part of the sale but the process is more hands off for you.
This also presents a money making opportunity for moms.
All you really need are your computer, internet connection, a space to store the stuff you’re selling and some basic organization skills (umm – hello, moms are good at this stuff).
Consultants get to keep 35% of the profits. For someone with a knack for it, it would be a neat way to earn some extra cash from home. (Speaking of dealing with falling income.)
I plan on using the site to list some kid stuff. They accept clothing, furniture, toys, all kinds of items.
