Wifey Wednesday: What I Wish I Had Known
March 10, 2010 | 1 Comment
When I heard about Sheila of To Love, Honor and Vaccum’s Wifey Wednesday meme, I thought it would be fun to write about.
I’ve typically avoided the topic of marriage on this blog. For almost 3 years I blogged here as a single mom. My marriage ended after 12 years. What the heck do I know? I didn’t want to seem like a hypocrite.
But after a long time of reflection and self examination, I’ve come to know that there really isn’t anything I could have done to prevent the end of my first marriage. My ex husband and I have a pretty good relationship now as co-parents, and I’m proud of that. I think we’ve both learned a lot and grown as people. While I still grieve for the loss of my first family and wish my kids weren’t children of divorce, I think we’ve done about as good as two people can since the divorce.
This week Sheila asked women to write about what they wish they had known as new brides. Since I’ve only been married to my current husband for less than 7 months, we’re still in that awkward newlywed phase. I’m eager for the first couple of years to be over. This time is fun but somewhat difficult as you get to know each other.
Still, I’ve been a married woman since I was 19 years old. I’ve learned a lot about men and marriage in general. Here are my thoughts:
What I Wish I Had Known About Men and Marriage Years Ago
#1 – I wish I had not taken his moods personally.
When my first husband came home from work in a foul mood, I wish I had shrugged that off. I’m able to do that now. Perhaps because I’m older, I’m able to give someone the space to have their feelings without getting sucked in? That takes emotional maturity and confidence. Sadly, I know people who have been married for decades who can’t do this very well. When one is in a low mood, they both are.
#2- I wish I had understood that good sex is a gift you give yourself.
It’s so easy to use kids/fatigue/hormones/body image issues etc as an excuse not to be intimate, but it’s a whole lot easier to put up with his personality quirks and weaknesses when you’re having lots of orgasms!
The other day a friend confided in me that despite loving her husband deeply and enjoying sex when they have it, she has no libido. Two two babies one right after another and gaining a lot of weight, not getting enough sleep and all that may very well play a role in her desire, but still…
My advice was: “Do it anyway.” After all, we cook dinner for our children even when we’re tired or “don’t feel like it”, right? If your husband doesn’t do what you want all the time or is clueless about your feelings, you still deserve YOUR “due”. Don’t let petty annoyances deprive you of the feel good stuff that will make your relationship run more smoothly outside the bedroom.
And if your husband is selfish or has no clue that your body works differently from his, don’t blame him – SHOW him what you need. I don’t think there is a man alive who will be offended!
#3 – Marriage doesn’t make you happy
Whoa. This is a big one, and many happily married people may disagree with me, but I do not believe marriage makes you happy. Even the scriptures say that people who marriage will have “tribulation in their flesh” and the apostle Paul stated that “you’re better off as you are” (single).
Happy people are happy, period. It’s a habit, not a situation. A man won’t “make” you happy. If you’re looking for that, you’ll be miserable in your relationship. Every time he does or says something thoughtless (see #1), your “happiness” flies out the window. It’s a terrible burden to bear, that of making someone else happy.
The answer? Make yourself happy. I don’t mean being selfish. A good marriage requires unselfishness. But in my life I’ve learned that the moment I start blaming the other person for my unhappiness, I’m way off.
But, when I start doing the things I need to do in order to be happy (exercise, eating right, spending time with people I love, writing, meeting goals, focusing on my relationship with my creator, etc) then my relationship magically improves!
Snow Way!
February 13, 2010 | 1 Comment
I’ve never seen snow like this in Georgia. While we may get a light sprinkling every year or two, it usually turns to ice immediately and isn’t any good for snowball making, much less snowman construction!
The snow was so thick and powdery, it could be rolled up in big thick sheets like insulation. I could hardly believe my eyes!
The kids built a ginormous snowman about 5 feet tall. This is really unbelievable for Georgia.
Before building the snowman though, the kids first jumped into the huge piles of snow.
My goal for this “snowed in” weekend was to finish ALL the laundry.
Ha! Fat chance. With all the wet pants, gloves and socks… I doubt it’s going to happen!
Speaking of laundry strategies for the large family, I tweeted and asked for tips yesterday.
If you have any time or labor saving advice to share, please reply to my Twitter stream or leave a comment below.
Thanks again!
Personalized Coloring Books
October 26, 2009 | Leave a Comment
Several months ago I got a personalized story book for my then 7 year old son.
He loved it, so I was tickled when the folks at Frecklebox offered me a personalized coloring book for my 6 year old daughter.
Ilana loves coloring books and devours them regularly, so I knew she would be stoked to have one that has her name on every page!
She’s in First grade and is learning to read more and more each day, and seeing her name in print is fun for her. It seems that every kid’s favorite word to write, spell and read is their name. The coloring book immediately captured her attention and she hasn’t lost interest in reading it again and again.
I’ve also noticed that kids love to put their names on things they own. If you have kids with uncommon names and/or unusual spellings like I do, you can rarely find them little trinkets with their names on them.
Frecklebox also offers personalized lunch boxes, stickers, journals, puzzles, and a lot more stuff.
Neat huh?
How Did You Know?
September 24, 2009 | 7 Comments
Last Saturday night I was at a show with some friends, listening to a local band, 3 of whose members are friends of mine.
A girlfriend of mine came up to me and said (actually more accurate to say she screamed – you know how it is when you’re listening to live music!) in my ear:
“How did you know?”
I knew immediately what she meant.
This was the first time she had met my new husband. Seeing us all over each other, having a great time together, enjoying old friends but quite happy to just be in each other’s company, spurred the question.
My friend is single, never-been-married, and quite a bit younger than me, so I felt compelled to tell her something deep and profound. But what came out of my mouth was actually quite simple.
So I screamed back into her ear:
“He makes me feel safe. He takes care of me. He has since the day we met.”
I’ve felt loved before. But I’ve never felt this safe.
One of the first things he said to me, that became an often repeated phrase, was…
“I’ve got your back.”
At first I didn’t know exactly what he meant by that statement.
But as time passed, it became more clear.
I know I’m loved. I feel safe.
It showed up in little ways at first.
He once ran a quick errand to a convenience store using my car, and came back with a full tank of gas “because it would be late when I left“… and he didn’t want me pumping gas in the dark.
There had only been one other man who filled up my car with gas after using it for an errand… and that is my Daddy. 
I learned awhile ago to stop paying so much attention to what men SAY, and far more attention to what they DO.
Like when they drive an hour one way to come see you.
Every day for a month.
Of course, there were other things.
When I locked us out of the house when we were all hungry and on our way out to dinner, and instead of getting irritated, he just busted the door down with his shoulder and kept smiling.
When he told me he wanted to be a good father to my children.
When he brought me little presents and it was obvious he was paying attention to what I liked.
When I was stressed and sad and trying not to be emotional, and he pointed to his big strong shoulder and said,
“See that? You need to put your head right. there. and everything will be ok.”
… and you know that noone can ever hurt you again because they would have to go through him.
How do you know?
You know it when… he picks you up from a Green Day concert and instead of taking you home, drives you around for 4 hours because he can’t bear to part ways with you.
You know it when … he says he’ll take care of something that’s important to you… and he does.
You know when… you wake up with a sore throat, and he gets your kids ready for school, then brings you your laptop while making coffee and breakfast for you. And you also know it when you’re sick with a sniffle and he tells you to use his neti pot. (Must be love!)
You know it when… your favorite part of the day is that second when you lay your head on his shoulder and snuggle in to sleep, curled next to him.
You know it when… you’ve never felt anything like this before, and suddenly get what all the fuss is about.
You know it when… you miss him when he goes to work.
You know it when… he texts you a few minutes after leaving because he misses you too.
You know it when… you’ve only known each other for a short while and you cannot bear to go one day without seeing his face.
You know it when… you would follow him to the ends of the earth.
You know it when… he tells you he wants to move you closer to your parents (even though he knows the previous!).
You know it when… your insomnia disappears.
You know it when… you get scared and try to get rid of him, and he doesn’t go anywhere.
You know it when… you feel soooo lucky.
You know it when… he starts composing a song for you on the guitar that he cannot sing around your relatives. 
You know it when… he doesn’t bother to answer his phone or send texts or do Facebook, because he’s spending time with you.
You know it when… you make a list of the qualities in your ideal man, tuck it away and forget about it, only to find it a year later and he’s every. single. thing. on it!
You know it when… you’re always expecting him to be angry or hurtful or harsh, and he never is.
You know it when… after only having known you for a couple of months, he invites you to fly with him to another country to meet his father.
You know it when… his plans for proposing to you have to be moved up several months because he just can’t wait that long to make you his wife.
You know it when… you want to have babies right away so that just in case he got killed in a car accident, you would have his son to comfort you.
… that’s how.
P.S. And to my young friend who will unfortunately probably have to make her way through a few more before finding “the one”, I want to say this:
Look for a guy who is that special brand of manliness.
A guy who takes care of himself but who isn’t vain. Who cares for you and makes you feel safe without being controlling. Who commands, not demands, respect. Who is steady and sure and who cannot be manipulated. Who doesn’t get upset or angry without just cause, and not at you. Who is loving without being wimpy. Who is gentle and patient with children, but also firm when necessary. Who isn’t ashamed to touch you in public, but who is proud to have you on his arm. Who doesn’t make you feel like you’re falling on your face all the time. A guy who is a leader, not a dictator. A guy who loves you because you’re intelligent and doesn’t treat you like a child. A guy who knows when something is on your mind, and who actually wants to listen to you express yourself.
A guy who has the guts to pursue you and who isn’t afraid to let you know what he wants.
Because when you find that, you’ll know.
So Much To Say
September 22, 2009 | 5 Comments
“So much to say, so much to say, so much to say...”
- “So Much To Say”
Dave Matthews band
The funny thing about blogging?
The busier (and therefore more blogworthy) your life, the less you’re able to blog.
I haven’t had time to login, write and click the Publish button in far too long.
Just so much going on.
photo credit: arteunporro
I’m a happy newlywed.
A month ago I married my soul mate, my best friend…. the man who is better than anyone I could have dreamed up. I’ve never felt like this. I’ve never wanted anyone so much, never been so attracted to someone, body and soul. I’ve never loved anyone like this. (Is it ok to love someone this much?)
So much transition.
I’m also helping to blend two families. When two single, custodial parents get together, there is a lot of adjusting to do.
I’m now a mother of 5 children.
So much juggling, balancing and meeting of needs.
My biological children have needs. My stepdaughter has needs. And my husband and I have needs. Even our ex spouses and extended families have needs that we have to deal with.
I have more work to do.
My workload has increased. I have more laundry, more housework, fewer people around that I trust to help me with my children.
I have more communication, more listening to feelings, more discipline, more loving to do.
I now live an hour away from my friends, my family…
Everything is new.
New house, new school, new neighborhood, new people to worship with.
All this change is exhausting.
I have so much to say.
I have questions.
(Like for instance, if your stepdaughter loves to have Pringles in her lunchbox, but your kids aren’t allowed to eat food like that, what do you do? And where do you go to ask these kinds of questions?)
I have worries.
(How do I handle it if my husband’s ex-wife misunderstands a situation and accuses me of neglect? If my kids know how to fix their own snacks, do I expect my stepdaughter to do so also, even if this is a new experience for her? Are my biological kids ok? Is my stepdaughter ok? Everyone seems ok, is everyone ok? Will I be ok?)
I have fears.
(If I do something he doesn’t like, will my sweet, kind, patient, wonderful new husband be cruel or hurtful to me? (He won’t… but when will I stop expecting to be treated harshly?) When will his house stop being “his house” and feel like home? And is it ok to be this happy?)
I have so much to say that I don’t know where to start.
Buy/Sell Used Kid Stuff, Make Money
July 6, 2009 | 6 Comments
Something came across my email inbox and I had to share.
I’ve been pretty vocal about the fact that I dislike eBay.
I don’t like how high their fees are for sellers, I don’t like how their customer service is virtually nonexistent (and how many people have found their account deleted with no explanation), I don’t like how they automatically favor the buyer – and can take money right out of your Paypal account if a buyer makes up a sham story about an item not being as described.
photo credit: CarbonNYC
But, buying and selling used kid stuff online is a huge way to save money or make some spare cash.
Today I got an email about a site called KidZola. KidZola is basically an online classifieds site that allows you to sell your kid stuff free. (Of course you can also buy stuff.)
Let me reiterate:
Ads are free, and sellers get to keep 100 percent of the profits.
Also cool about the site is that you can have someone else sell stuff for you (similar to eBay) – called “consultants”, these guys keep part of the sale but the process is more hands off for you.
This also presents a money making opportunity for moms.
All you really need are your computer, internet connection, a space to store the stuff you’re selling and some basic organization skills (umm – hello, moms are good at this stuff).
Consultants get to keep 35% of the profits. For someone with a knack for it, it would be a neat way to earn some extra cash from home. (Speaking of dealing with falling income.)
I plan on using the site to list some kid stuff. They accept clothing, furniture, toys, all kinds of items.
ToT: 10 Things I’d Bring On a Deserted Island
June 16, 2009 | 4 Comments
This week’s Ten on Tuesday asks what 10 items you would want to bring on a deserted island.
Here goes:
- My kids. I don’t know if that counts as 1, or 4.
- My Bible.
- Lip balm. I’m sure I could make my own beauty products using whatever’s lying around, but I’m a real lip balm addict.
- A very large knife.
- Paper
- A supply of pencils – a girl’s got to document her thoughts, y’know? And I’m assuming this island has no wi-fi so, no blogging.
- A wide toothed comb so my hair doesn’t get TOO tangled from all that salt water.
- Some really cool sunglasses.
- Tweezers for my eyebrows.
A girl can dream, can’t she?
And if the kids count as 4 things, then skip items 3-6.)
6 Unimportant Things That Make Me Happy
June 11, 2009 | 3 Comments
Shay tagged me with this blog meme. I’m supposed to list 6 “unimportant” things that make me happy.
There are so many small things that make me happy.
You could ask me this question every week and probably get different answers each time. For now, I’ll choose a theme.
How about summer?
6 Summer Things That Make Me Happy
1- Edy’s Lime Popsicles
photo credit: Gibsonclaire
Oh my goodness these are good. They’re sweetened with sugar instead of HFCS. And just between you and me, you can throw one into the blender with tequila and triple sec and make a super fast margarita.
2 – My Blue Fingernail Polish from Piggy Paints
If you’re not familiar, Piggy Paints is a non toxic nail polish. As soon as my toes came out of hiding, they got the blue treatment.
3 – Tropical Traditions Coconut Oil
I’m working on a review of this product now. I’ve long used coconut oil for cooking, but this stuff I’m taking as a supplement – anywhere from a teaspoon to a tablespoon a day, straight up.
I also use it externally – I rub it on my skin after a shower while I’m damp. It soaks in quicker than any other oil! I use a few drops on my hair as a conditioner before shampooing and after, as a styling aid – my hair has never looked so shiny!
It’s great for keeping your feet soft, so I use a little on my feet just before bed. I slather it on my face at night. Love the stuff.
(It just occurred to me that perhaps #3 doesn’t fit the description of uninportant. Nutrition and health are certainly important. Moving on…)
4 – Facebook
I’ll admit it. Facebook is my guilty pleasure. I recently made the decision to remove all business contacts from Facebook so it can be all about friends and family and the odd ex boyfriend.
The way I figure, I don’t have a television, I don’t read trashy magazines, so why not? It’s too much fun to connect and re-connect with people you care about.
5 – The City Pool
We bought a pass. For $30 all 5 of us can swim our little hearts out. I can’t think of cheaper summer entertainment than that!
The 3 older kids are taking swim lessons for an hour a day, 5 days a week for two weeks. That’s been fun for them and they’re a lot more confident in the water. Sadie didn’t meet the height requirement but she has worked her charms on the hot lifeguards instructors and so every day they’ve grabbed her and let her participate.
6 - Avocados
I love avocados. I just one ate one, straight up, with a spoon.
Now it’s your turn:
Lisa @ MsFitUniverse
Nichole @ FullEarthsEtc
Amanda @ oohAmanda
Nell @ CasualFridayEveryday
Stefanie @ MommyMusings
Jo-Lynn @ MusingsOfAHousewife
(The rules are: link to this post, list your 6 things, link to 6 other bloggers and comment on their blog too.)
TmT: Backyard
June 11, 2009 | 1 Comment
Yesterday for Wordless Wednesday I posted a picture of my daughter in our backyard. This picture was shot before we moved in. I had just her with me, the other kids were in school, and we were walking through the place with my landlord.
She loves to pick dandelions.
I love this place. The location is perfect – it’s an urban environment, not far from Atlanta. Small but we have a fenced in yard. The kids play baseball out there. I have a clothesline. I want to start having parties out there. Eventually, a container garden. The kids love to work in the garden!
Guest Post: Living the Rural Life
June 11, 2009 | Leave a Comment
I love living in an urban environment. But I’ve often said that I wouldn’t mind living deep in the country, where I could have my own chickens and maybe even a cow! And of course the organic garden.
This is a guest post from Melinda of Behind The Stall Door. It’s all about:
Living The Rural Life
Hi, I’m Melinda and I live in BFE, SC. *chorus of “hi, Melinda” ensues*
photo credit: René Ehrhardt
Ok, so it’s not totally BFE. We have a Walmart and a Lowes, which stock the basics of life and home repair. I can’t complain much. It was my idea to move here from the big city (my hometown of Charlotte, NC), because it was a better environment from raising kids than the carnage my city had become since my childhood. We live in a small house (I think it may be a little over 1K square feet, not including the car porch) and several acres of land. Our automobiles are paid for. Our house is paid for. The kids and the animals have tons of room to run and play and not have to worry about strangers around the corner (we only have two neighbors and any unusual traffic is immediately noticed and is broadcasted by our three large dogs). I have an herb garden, a veggie garden, several flower beds, rose bushes, pear trees, cherry trees, apple trees, fig trees, blueberry bushes and even some grape vines. We have room for a composting area and a chicken coop and several storage sheds.
I am in absolute heaven. Until I need something unusual, something crunchy related, or just something that is plain odd.
Then I have to travel to the nearest big town, thirty miles away. Which means packing up the three girls, making sure the diaper bag is stocked, the two little ones have sippy cups and munchies to keep them happy during the drive and the teenager has her IPod and earplugs so she won’t grumble the whole way.
Sometimes, though, even that trip doesn’t pan out. It is too obscure for this little corner of the world, with their farms and pastures right out of a Currier and Ives painting. So, then, it’s the internet we go, shipping costs required.
You should have seen the look on the lady’s face when I, with the piercings and tattoos, lugging two small children and a teenager, also with piercings and strange hair, asked where I could find cloth diapers in the store. (Yes, you guessed it; they didn’t have any because everyone buys disposables.)
Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t change living here for anything in the world. I love it – even the coffee shop which doesn’t open on Sundays. It’s just taking me a while to get my stubborn head around not having easy access to the things I am used to being able to put my hands on immediately. I get to play in the dirt and walk in the woods and breathe clean air, I just have to buy most of my green materials online.
