I have a question for my wise and wonderful readers.
Is it a no-no to make comments about a child’s physical appearance?
What if the comments are negative?
What if they’re positive?
What if the child is male?
What if the child is female?
Does that make a difference (on either count)?
I find myself telling my sons rarely that they’re handsome. Perhaps they’re dressed up for worship, or for a special occasion. Or maybe they just had their hair “did” and I want them to know I like the new cut.
But I find myself commenting far MORE often on my daughter’s appearance.
Even when I try not to. It just comes out sometimes. I tell them they’re pretty, beautiful, their hair looks pretty, their dress is pretty….
Am I a product of my culture, that has different expectations of men and women?
Or is it the children themselves who bring this out in me?
The boys are picky about their hair, but the girls?
They stay in my makeup.
If I tell them they don’t need it, they say:
“But I want to look pretty.”
Or worse (the 3 year old says this!),
“But I don’t look pretty (without it).”
Should a parent refrain from making these remarks?
I know one thing. I don’t like it when anyone refers to my 6 year old daughter’s size. She is bigger than her sister, but she is not overweight.
She’s a big, beautiful little frau. She’ll probably always be bigger than her sister. (Think legs like Courtney Love, not Teri Hatcher.)
Personally, I refrain from making comments about other’s appearance. I don’t refer to people as fat, thin, ugly, pretty, bald, hairy, what have you…. I think it’s in poor taste and just plain bad manners.
I don’t want my kids thinking it matters too much.
In my case, it’s my son who gets a great deal of comments about his appearance and probably far more than I did or my sisters did when we were his age. I don’t have a daughter, so I can’t make that comparison.
I think that if people are also giving a fair amount of comments out to boys and girls about other aspects (great personality, good at sharing, good at a skill or school subject) so that they hear a balanced view of what people think of them and not just what they look like, comments about appearance can be ok.
i hadn’t even thought of that. i even say ‘pretty girl’ as a nick name for my daughter (which i will do for my other daughter as soon as she arrives) but i would never say ‘pretty boy’ if i had a boy (unless he was a bird).
My daughter is grown and married, and when I see her and she looks especially pretty, I tell her. When she does something nice, I compliment her on that also.
My son is still at home, and I tell him when he looks handsome, when he does well on his schoolwork, when he does a good job at art and piano class.
I think that’s o.k. What I think is wrong is when everything becomes about appearance, or when that is stressed as the most important thing.
This is a good subject. One that I mull over quite a bit. I do say my daughter looks beautiful and I tell her She is beautiful both inside and out. I only have Charlotte. She is 4 yrs old (only just on Sunday) and worryingly aware of her appearance. I so don’t want her to worry about others opinions of her.
It is something I struggle with and am working on feeling better about. I don’t wear make-up very much however, I thorougly enjoy the transformation when I do wear it, but I overly worry about others opinions of me far too much. Getting better with it. My Mum won’t go out of the house without lipstick at the very least and it isn’t an admirable quality to me. She is a lovely woman make-up or no.
I agree that to balance the praise is the way to go. I think I overdo praise in many areas with Charlotte, but prefer to be that way than the opposite.
PS I shall try to get the praising balance happening.
PS
I shall try to get the balance happening more with praise
I think telling your little one that they are cute, handsome, beautiful, smart, doing a great job, perfect as they are is confidence building. What I try to avoid at home is any reference to weight- no comments on how I eed to lose wieght or I am too thin. I am trying to instil in my little one seeing and knowing people without reference to weight.
I agree with the other posts in that everything in balance is important.
Every person was created in God”s image and God “don’t make junk.” Every person has a beauty to unveil. Beauty is the essence of a person not height or weight, wrinkles or freckles.
If I care too much what other people think about me then I become a man pleaser instead of a God pleaser. God Who loved me with the ultimate love…”that a man would lay down his life.”
So I try to teach my kids (still working on it) to accept His love and to love others with the love of Jesus.
Compliments on good character strengthen good behavior and the attitude of the heart. The heart drives how we present ourselves. Modestly, neatly, clean, smiling.
I tell my kids that I love them no matter what and enjoy who they are. My 17 yr. old daughter still struggles but then so do I.
I always call Little Dude “my handsome boy” – so much so that he looks in the mirror and calls himself that!
I don’t have a daughter, but have 4 nieces and I call each of them “pretty girl” in place of “honey” or “sweetie”. Never thought much about it – just a term of endearment. Plus they are all pretty. Even the 13-year-old who always responds “jeeze Aunt Cara” because she’s just too cool. (LOL)
My 8-year-old niece asked me once why I wear make-up and get my nails done(her mom is not as girlie as I am and doesn’t do those things) and I just told her that it makes me feel good.