I had an odd conversation with hubby last night.
me: “I’m crazy.”
him: “No, you’re not.”
me: “Yes, I am. I haven’t shared some of my thoughts with you, but if you knew what I have been thinking, you would think I was crazy.”
him: sits down. looks a little pale. smiling sweetly, hoping he’s not in trouble.
me: “I know it’s probably just crazy hormones. Maybe my body is just doing weird things and it’s affecting my emotions. Did you know that by the time a woman is my age, she has lost 95% of her eggs? And, I don’t understand because for over a year – like, the entire time I was pregnant and for several months after, I knew I was DONE and this was definitely going to be my last baby. But it’s just that this last year has gone by soo fast and Ruby is almost a toddler now, and… and so I made a list in my head of all the reasons, all the CONS, and there were so many. Like, I don’t want to be sick for 9 months and be so tired and have hardship in our marriage, and feel like I’m not doing what I need to be around the house and with the older kids and stuff… and on the right side of the page, the PROS list, there is only one thing and that’s “but it’s a BABY!“. And it’s just crazy! I wish that I could just DECIDE and feel that one way once and for all, and not switch back and forth.”
him: “Well I must be crazy too because I’ve been thinking that I want another one.”
him: “And then I think I’m nuts because I tell myself, what are you thinking, you’re not a millionaire!”
me: “That’s not the part that concerns me. I think of the other things… like being so sick for so long and feeling horrible and my legs hurting and feeling exhausted by 10 AM and everything being sore and … labor! and all that.”
him: “And every time Ruby does something I think, that’s the last time that’s a new thing she does.”
me: “Yeah. This year has just gone by incredibly fast. And I think of how incredibly fortunate I am. I mean, I hate being pregnant and I have such bad nausea the whole time but there are so many women who would give anything to trade places with me. Women who can’t get pregnant or who have multiple miscarriages, women who wanted big families (like my mom), and couldn’t… and I have such uneventful pregnancies and such wonderful births.”
him: “Yeah, it’s really easy…”
me: “Well, it’s not EASY, it’s very difficult but even still my pregnancies are healthy and there have never been any medical problems during them, or with my babies. And I’ve always tried to be grateful of that and never take my fertility for granted! And I feel like I’ve defied the statistics already with all these healthy kids… but I already HAVE a baby and so I just need to stop thinking about this and just enjoy her! But I guess it’s just a normal, healthy thing… to want to experience this over and over. Maybe we’re normal and everyone else is crazy.”
The conversation kind of trailed off after that.
I guess I’m crazy, but he’s crazy too.
I guess we can be crazy together.