Is It A Bad Idea To Tell Your Kids They’re Smart or Pretty?
February 14, 2007
How do you feel about this? I’ve always felt that putting labels on children, even so called positive ones, was a bad idea. But, I have a difficult time not telling my daughters they’re pretty.
A recent article in New York magazine raises the question of whether it hampers a child in the long run when you tell them they’re smart. A quote:
“… a growing body of research—and a new study from the trenches of the New York public-school system—strongly suggests … Giving kids the label of “smart” does not prevent them from underperforming. It might actually be causing it.”
Evidently when kids are told they’re smart, they begin to underestimate the importance of effort and group activities into things they’re “good at” or “not good at”. In other words, they rely on talent as the primary thing instead of hard work – not a good thing in an adult, methinks.
It’s certainly an interesting read. I know that personally I find inappropriate and excessive praise to be insincere, annoying and manipulative (enter the parent who jumps up and down clapping “Good job!” when their tot goes down the slide at the playground… excuse me while I lose my latte.)
While I’m not usually a big one for editing what comes out of my mouth naturally (unless it’s negative of course), this really gives me pause.
What do you think?
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2 Responses to “Is It A Bad Idea To Tell Your Kids They’re Smart or Pretty?”
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I agree that inappropiate and excessive praise is not needed and in some ways can be somewhat harmful. However, I see nothing wrong with the occasional compliment of beauty and intelligence at the appropiate time. In this world of extreme negativity, I believe our children need all the positive reinforcement we as parents can give without being overly redundant about it.
Carrie,
I’m just reading this post over a year later, but I’ve been comung up against these same questions myself recently, in different ways. I don’t see the harm in praising children for their talents or abilities, especially when the label “smart” comes from a history of effort or study. What is wrong with letting a child feel a sense of accomplishment for hard work she has done? Telling a child that he or she is beautiful is also appropriate, in my opinion. My theory is that there is a reason parents are gaga over their own kids. who better to raise a child than the kid’s biggest fan? I agree with you that I don’t see the point in empty compliments–compliments that are given so frequently or thoughtlessly that they lose all meaning, but the mom at the playground who is cheering her child down the slide may have good reason. Has that child just conquered a long-held fear of heights? Is this her first slide ever? Maybe the child has a motor delay and climbing to the top of the slide is a real accomplishment that deserves praise? When I hear my six year old clapping her hands and jumping up and down with glee and encouragment because her little sister just used the potty or her little brother zipped his own coat, I know that that early childhood praise is appropriate and essential. It has a place and it didn’t “go to her head.” It went into empathy, and confidence, and well-being, and an extraordinary generousity of heart so that she truly is excited and pleased at another’s (even minor) success.