It’s Not Bad to Want Alone Time

December 31, 2008

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If there is one thing I cannot stand, it’s this.

A mom who loves to spout “I’m so much better than you because ___” diatribes on her blog.

I came across a post yesterday that made me sick.  I won’t link to the post because I don’t want to pass along my page rank and traffic. Please Come Home

Creative Commons License photo credit: mattieb

The gist was that because some mothers enjoy an occasional break from their children, there must be something wrong with them.

Sorry, but I’m going to call cow pie on that.

If you honestly never crave to be alone, then you are not emotionally healthy. An emotionally healthy person enjoys being alone with their thoughts from time to time. An emotionally healthy person likes to finish a complete sentence in their brain.

If you never need alone time, you may be relying on your children to meet your emotional and social needs. That is called emotional incest.

An adult needs alone time to plan things, to dream, etc. That requires quiet. There isn’t a lot of quiet to be had when you live with young children. And studies show that even kids need alone and quiet time for their health and proper development.

I will go so far as to say that anyone who says that stuff is either lying, trying to convince themselves, trying to look superior to other mothers, or has ONE child – probably under the age of one or two. (That doesn’t count because you’re still in the blissed out babymoon phase, similar to being in love and you’re not thinking straight. Plus, you’re still all hepped up on breastfeeding hormones. lol!)

What really offends me is that I see this stuff on so-called Christian blogs. Now, I am a Christian and make if my goal to live my life as closely as possible in Jesus’ footsteps.

Even Jesus craved alone time!

Matthew 14:13 and Mark 6:31 if you don’t believe me. He was perfect and still needed to be alone from time to time.

Here is another good one:

Proverbs 25: 17 says: “Make your foot rare at the house of your fellowman, that he may not have his sufficiency of you and certainly hate you.”

What’s the point?

That it’s ok and even desirable to take a break from relationships.

Sorry folks, but that’s scripture. And you don’t outrank God.

For those of you who have husbands, do you not appreciate a little break from him? Or do you want to be around him ALL the time? (I’m pretty sure I know what he’d say if I asked him the same question – that’s why men invented fishing trips!) Isn’t it a good thing to miss your husband? Don’t you appreciate him more when he comes back from a business trip or when you have been visiting relatives out of state?

I rest my case.

Getting away from my children from time to time doesn’t mean I ignore their needs. But it is a very good thing for them to miss me occasionally – and me them.

In a practical sense, it’s also much more convenient and kinder to do some things without children around, because they would be bored while I was doing the thing or the place simply isn’t appropriate for young kids.

My kids are with me 24/7. They’re homeschooled and I’m a work at home Mom. They spend two days every two weeks with their father.

Needing a break from childcare and constant child chatter does not make me a bad mom. It doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy my children’s company (if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be a work at home homeschooling mom) and it doesn’t mean they’re not charming or interesting or whatever.

It means I’m human. (I wonder if God ever needs to be alone?)

Even your BABY, who craves your presence 24/7 – needs alone time! Ask any childhood development expert why babies sometimes refuse to meet your gaze, look away when you try to engage them, yawn, fall asleep or otherwise appear bored?

Because they need a BREAK from the stimulation that is YOU.

Take that! You might feel superior that you don’t need a break from your kid, but they sure need a break from YOU.

Men are wonderfully UNapologetic about needing alone time, and take it without asking. We could learn from the guys on this one.

Now please understand – I am not one of these moms who tells everyone in earshot how hard it is to be a mom or who complains about her children and what a burden they are. I don’t believe in that kind of thing. Only my very closest friends will ever hear any complaints from me, and even that is rare.

But I maintain that moms who claim that they never want a break from their kids are lying, trying too hard to convince someone or themselves, or trying to be superior.

And this is my blog.

You, however, may leave a comment below. :-)

And while we’re at it, I thought you might enjoy this free report:

Having More Sanity and Satisfaction as a Stay at Home Mom

(Click to open, right-click to download.)

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Comments

10 Responses to “It’s Not Bad to Want Alone Time”

  1. Alaina F on December 31st, 2008 1:47 pm

    I totally agree!

    There are times that I really enjoy when my husband comes home from work early or on the weekends. I usually ask him to take the kids downstairs just so I can sit and ‘veg’ in our room.
    Many times I grab a few moments of needed sleep, others I watch something on tv, and others I write in my kids journals and in mine and just let the thoughts flow.

    I can’t do that when I have 3 kids grabbing for my attention. I wish I could but sorry I don’t- I just can’t think and ponder like I can when I’m alone.

    Many moms can agree… a locked bathroom is a sanctuary!

  2. graceonline on December 31st, 2008 2:02 pm

    Couldn’t agree with you more. Alone time is vital to our well-being, as well as our children’s. It is important to model good self-care to our children so they know how to do it themselves.

  3. Leslie on December 31st, 2008 2:04 pm

    I agree and I’ll go so far as to say that moms who don’t take time to nurture themselves do disfavor to their children. Moms who dedicate 100% of themselves to the service of their family will raise boys who expect their wives to be subservient and worse, daughters who won’t strive to pursue their dreams. As a social worker who’s worked with many families, I can tell you that everyone (even kids) need time to regroup and re-energize. Moms who bad-mouth others are like playground bullies who pick on others to make themselves feel superior. While certainly everyone is entitled to their opinion, it seems a bit petty to get on a mom for taking care of her needs along with her family’s.

  4. Amanda on December 31st, 2008 7:55 pm

    I’ve seen posts like the one you are describing, and I’ve seen posts like the one you made too. I think the important thing is that everybody’s needs are NOT the same. I have one child, who is 2, and I’ve never left him with a babysitter. I do need alone time, which I get daily while he plays contently by himself, or while my husband spends time with him in the evenings.

    Yet I’ve had other mainstream parents look at me with shock and horror when they find out he’s never been cared for by anyone but us. They assume that means I am not taking “time for myself”, which is just not the case. Maybe as he grows older, I will need more time, or will need to get it in different ways, but right now we are both happy and healthy.

    So of course I do not think there’s anything wrong with a mom who needs to take a break by hiring a babysitter and going out. It’s a matter of preference, personality, and even style. I take my breaks one way, someone else takes hers another. I suspect that the moms you say “never” take breaks DO indeed take them, just not the same way you might.

    I agree the “holier than thou” attitudes are aggravating, but be careful not to make the same mistake and paint “those moms” with a similarly wide brush…

  5. carrie on January 1st, 2009 11:05 am

    Amanda, I was the same when I had one child. I never left my kids with babysitters either. In fact the only person who has taken care of them are their Grandparents.

    You’re quite right when you say that everyone is different. And every STAGE of motherhood is different. It’s quite different having the full time care of 4 children – including being the breadwinner, than being a new mom to one baby. I felt quite differently when I had one baby than I do now with 4 kids, one nearing puberty. Add to that the additional responsibility of homeschooling.

    I know from reading their “about” pages that the two women I had in mind when I wrote that post are stay at home moms who have the luxury of a husband who takes care of their financial needs. And they have ONE child – usually a toddler or baby.

    Sorry to be blunt, but that just ain’t the same animal as my life.

    What bothers me is the criticism of women whose circumstances differ dramatically than their own. When I had only one baby, and someone else paying the bills, and noone to homeschool, I didn’t need a break either.

  6. Tiffany on January 1st, 2009 11:35 am

    I love my time away from the kids, LOL. Just yesterday I took 20 minutes and went for a drive by myself just to get away for few minutes. I usually see one movie a week, although I do take my oldest sometimes but often will go alone. Then I go to a bookstore. Gotta have that alone time or I am apt to snap at my kids and be generally grouchy.

    And yes when you are only into your motherhood journey a couple years and only one kid…that is not even close to being a mom for 8 plus years with multiple kids. Those young moms are just making themselves look foolish when they say stuff like that.

    Wish I could go and read this post you mentioned. ;)

  7. Amanda on January 1st, 2009 1:16 pm

    Oh of course you are absolutely right. One kid, with a husband to help, is NOT the same at all! I hope no one is naive enough to think it is ;) My best friend is a single mom and I know pretty well that her needs for alone time are different than mine. She doesn’t have the luxury of sneaking away for bits during the day like I do.

    Your post just kind of sounded like a backwards attack, though I can surely understand why you would be upset if someone really was saying that moms who need time away are in some way inferior.

    But maybe it’s just because I didn’t read the post you were referring to, though I understand why you don’t want to link it here. It just kind of hit a nerve with me because I have been sick to death of people telling me I “NEED” a babysitter and think I’m crazy for not wanting to go away for a night with just my husband… even though my son is only 2!

    I think whatever keeps mama happy and healthy is what matters.

  8. Deborah Allinder Lee on January 1st, 2009 1:46 pm

    If the only alone time a mom gets is when their kid plays alone or with their husband, then when does the couple get alone time. Many marriages have run into difficulty when the kids come and the couple begins neglecting each other.

    A lot of moms have gone as far as sweeping their husbands under the rug because they give all of their energy to their children. Despite all of the energy given to them, the children still suffer because the family is out of balance.

  9. carrie on January 1st, 2009 2:45 pm

    Another excellent point Deborah – I speak from the vantage point of a single mom, but if I was married I would make certain I had alone time with hubs. :-)

  10. Miss Lila on January 1st, 2009 8:52 pm

    YOU GO GIRL!

    Right on the money, as usual!

    Miss Lila

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