Going to visit a new Mother and her tiny baby?
I loved having company after my babies were born.
In fact, after a couple of my births, I called lots of people asking them to come see us!
However, as a Mom who has been there 5 times, I’ve had great and not-so-great experiences when friends and family came to visit postpartum.
While I loved sharing the joy of a new baby’s birth, I often remember fighting exhaustion with visitors who stayed too long, or being stressed by people whose children didn’t seem to know how to behave around newborns.
Make your visit a blessing instead of a drudgery with these tips.
1) Call beforehand and ask what you can bring her to eat
A new Mom, especially if she’s breastfeeding, is hungry! Don’t ask if she wants you to bring her anything. Most new Moms in our culture are unlikely to ask for help. Tell her that you ARE bringing her lunch and what would she prefer?
And make sure, if you’re preparing something, that it’s not loaded with empty carbs. New Moms have enough trouble going to the bathroom in those postpartum days! She needs good nutrition, not junk.
2) When you arrive, don’t smell like a bouquet on overdrive
Newborn babies have sensitive skin. Some of them break out when they are held by someone with a lot of synthetic perfume on. When you go visit a new baby, don’t smell like you’ve been attacked by Chanel No. 5. Skip the perfume. You’re not on a date, ok?
3) Wash your hands
New Moms are particular about their babies, and neither she nor her newborn needs your germs. Wash your hands first and then ask if you may hold the newborn. And for goodness sakes, leave a sneezing, snotty nosed child at home!
4) Don’t hog the baby
The new Mother’s job is to rest and bond with her baby. Don’t grab the baby and try to jolly her out of her cries when she obviously wants her Momma back. Hold the new baby briefly, perhaps while Mom uses the bathroom or cuddles her toddler, then give baby back. Now.
5) Do something useful
Ask Mom if you can watch her older child for a half hour so she can nap with the baby. Ask if you can load the dishwasher, or fold a load of laundry. Insist. Don’t say “Is there anything I can do?”. Say “What can I do?” At the very least, bring paper plates and disposable flatware. She may have forgotten to buy that, but it sure makes those postpartum days a little easier.
6) Keep your visit brief
Mom is tired, recuperating from childbirth and above all needs to rest and learn about her new baby. Counting fingers and toes, cooing, crying, breastfeeding and changing diapers takes all day!
A new Mom doesn’t need to play hostess. Don’t stay more than about 15 minutes unless you’re her best friend or close relative, and even then, keep it very brief. While I loved having people visit with me to ooh and aah over my newborns, I also remember how exhausted I felt, when a friend stayed for an hour or longer. New mom exhaustion often brings on tears. Don’t overstay your welcome!
If you remember these tips, the new Mom will really appreciate you, and she’ll return the favor the next time you have a baby!
I am due in about four weeks, and was just hit with news that father in law and wife are coming from overseas for the birth, but also other extended in-laws. I do not have much room to accommodate them all, nor want to be rude, but I feel that is a bit intrusive on their part. While I understand the excitement of first grandson, and first great nephew, and a new baby in the family in over 12 years, it is also my first baby! Please help.
Hi Mary!
You’re in a tight spot, I understand. You want to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings, but at the same time your own needs and that of your family’s are most important. Could your husband take the reins on this one? Would your relatives respect the decision more if he said he didn’t want overnight guests so soon after baby? Could you offer to put them up in a hotel, or at a nearby friend’s home?
Or what about visiting them instead?
Keep in mind that it’s not easy to set boundaries, it will be uncomfortable for you and also for them – they may even resent you for awhile, but if they love you they’ll get over it, and they may grow in respect for you. (Or not, depending on their own level of emotional maturity.)
If you do have them over, don’t overdo it and get yourself sick. Don’t entertain them or play hostess. Hopefully they won’t expect that. Take naps and go to bed early and stay in your bathroom, those things will send a cue that you need rest.
Take care!