Not Like The Rest

January 9, 2011

It’s taken me long enough to figure this out.

About 35 years.

But it’s _always_ been there.

This feeling that I’m always on the outside of things.

I’m not like other people.

Instead of making me feel special and wonderful and all those things,

it just feels incredibly lonely
.

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Creative Commons License photo credit: quinn.anya

As a young person I felt like everyone else was always having more fun than me. Always.

They all knew stuff I didn’t.

People I didn’t.

Music I didn’t.

Things.

Is that why I have a seriously curious nature?

Like I have to figure it all out. So then I can be one of the cool kids.

Is it why I have a big huge wrinkle crater in the middle of my forehead?

Always squinting.

It’s hard for me to make friends.

It’s not that I don’t try.

I’m always trying.

It’s that I’m more interested, fascinated really, with other people than they are in me.

Is that an illusion?

Perhaps.

Does everyone feel this way?

I’m always hungry ….. for …. something.

An itch I can’t scratch.

And I don’t know what it is.

I try to look. I try to keep learning.

But there are some things I absolutely know.

(Like I don’t envy. I never have. Even when my friend was blonder, fitter, bubblier, tanner than me. Her farts didn’t even stink. I never kept people away because of envy. It is an incredibly stupid waste of time.)

I feel stuck. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

At 35 I should have this figured out, no?

Is it a postpartum thing? Do I need more sleep? Will it go away when the baby is older and I have more freedom?

And if it is, then I don’t remember feeling this way, for this long, with my other babies.

Is it because I’m older? Is it because I had begun to taste the life of a mom with older kids and the perks that go along with that? (Like, being skinny. And being able to go out at night.)

It’s lonelyhere.

Is this a mid-life crisis?

Is this the problem that has no name?

(And I don’t consider myself a feminist, despite the fact that economic dependence terrifies me utterly. I feel that I’m doing the absolute most important thing in the world, shaping these young people to be the best citizens that they can be.)

Why is it that the last time I remember feeling truly, deliriously happy for a long period of time was 13 years ago? The last time I remember being so eager to jump out of bed. Shouldn’t that be really sad?

And yet I have truly few regrets about my life.

It’s just that I can’t get excited about anything anymore.

Is this depression? Maybe. Maybe it’s a seasonal thing.

But I think it’s deeper than that.

And I have no category for this post.

Just Misc.

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Comments

2 Responses to “Not Like The Rest”

  1. Tiffany on January 9th, 2011 8:55 pm

    Er.. you sound very similar to me… even down to the wrinkle in the middle of your forehead. Although my mom would tell you it is from frowning so much… don’t even realize I am doing it. I made some good friends when I was young but nada as an adult. At 33 I realize that I need to work on filling MY cup. At the start of 2011 I made no resolutions, only decided that this was the year of taking care of ME. Of course that is much easier to say when my youngest is five.

  2. Elizabeth ashe on January 23rd, 2011 10:03 pm

    You know what that sounds a lot like myself in a eery sort of way, I think the part of not knowing what you want to be when you grow up. Maybe that you can do a lot things, and the thought of being stuck to one thing might scare you, well that’s how I feel at least. I love to learn, and can’t get enough of it. However when it comes to people In my younger years, I had a few friends but never any I would call my “bestie” where we knew just about every thing about each other.

    But that is only because I always knew I was different, and saw things in a different way than most people. In ways that even those close to me still could not understand.

    I am the one that love observing people and there behaviors more so than socializing. Not that I don’t talk but only about things that bring meaning and is worthwhile to discuss.

    Would I change things about my life, that have small boys and still want another one……lol

    No:)

    Would I Change the fact that I am always stuck in the house and surrounded by kids.

    No:)

    Carrie I believe that personality types Like ours are able to see things in the world around us that most people can not see. Which gives us the very inquisitive, intuitive nature, that can a lot times having us feeling lonely.

    Your doing a fine job Carrie, keep up the great work!

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