Sleepovers – Sorta
August 2, 2008
I have fond memories of childhood sleepovers. Most of the time, it was just staying over at a friend’s house – not really a “sleepover party” or anything fancy. I only had 3 or 4 friends that came over to my house to stay the night, and vice versa.
photo credit: foundphotoslj
On almost every occasion (actually only one sleepover party of my childhood ended badly), it was a fun experience. Staying up late, giggling and talking with your girlfriends, eating junk food (that kind of stuff didn’t exist in my home!), talking about boys and looking at fashion magazines, doing each other’s hair and nails, etc… the stuff girl fun is made of.
Sleepovers were sometimes even exciting. Like when my friend’s big brother invited his friend over, and it just happened to be the guy I had a huge crush on.
But.
Sleepovers don’t always go so well.
My sister was accosted by a pedophile at a sleepover. I’m still not sure if the way she remembers the event (she woke up, yelled at him to go away and he did) was the way it actually happened.
I wonder if her memory is trying to protect her from the truth.
I also stayed the night at the home of a family who I later found out – the Dad was not only physically abusive to his son, daughter and wife, but also sexually abusive to my good friend (his daughter). I have to wonder if anything of the sort also happened to me and I’m blocking it out.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do about sleepovers.
I know a lot of parents have decided to have a “No Sleepover” policy with their kids.
They figure it’s easier to just make a blanket rule so noone gets hurt if they say no.
We all have people who make us uncomfortable. In order to avoid an uncomfortable scenario or uncomfortable conversation (“Uhh… Sally can’t stay the night cuz your husband/teenaged son/unemployed uncle living with you gives me the creeps?”), they just say no to all of it.
I only have one experience with hosting a sleepover and it went well. My boys had a couple of friends over. Other than a brief period in which my oldest was acting like a jerk briefly and made everyone mad (natural consequences at work), it went smoothly. My son made up for his brief bad behavior. Noone can stay irritated with him long. 
My boys have never slept over at anyone’s home, but my 5 year old daughter has. She has spent the night with her babysitter, a 14 year old girl who we attend worship services with. Her mom is a single mom of two preteen daughters. Since we’re good friends (and I must admit, the fact that there are no men in the house played a huge part in my being ok with the sleepover) I felt safe letting her stay overnight.
She had a blast and was pretty ticked at me for coming early the next day to pick her up!
What about sleepovers that YOU host – is that ok?
Some of the concerns I’ve seen parents have about sleepovers are in regards to other issues like: kids acting badly, not enough adult supervision, co-ed issues going on without their knowledge, etc. And issues of embarrassment with kids who wet the bed or who have sleep issues like sleepwalking or nightmares, health issues like kids who take medications or who have severe food allergies or asthma or other stuff that often strikes at night.
There is an alternative that some parents are doing.
The Sorta Sleepover
The sorta sleepover is a hybrid between a regular get together and a sleepover. The kids can arrive in their PJs, have fun, play games, watch movies, eat junk – even hang out in their sleeping bags – but the parents arrive to pick the kids up before everyone retires for the night.
I think this is a good alternative.
I’m still not 100% sure where I stand on this issue. Sleepovers seemed like such an important part of my childhood, especially as I entered the preteen/teenage years. Learning how different families operated (and having fun but always being 100% happy to return to my own family and grateful for the parents I had!) and manners and all that…
Isn’t it sad we even have to have this conversation?
photo credit: Solo, with others
What is your sleepover policy? Do you think sleepovers are a wonderful part of growing up or too risky?
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13 Responses to “Sleepovers – Sorta”
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My mom had a no sleepover policy for us when we were kids. The only exception was when she knew the parents very well…but of course, that is not always protection. Thankfully, in our case, we never had any problems.
For my kids, they’re still young, so the only sleepovers have been with grandparents and my very good long-time friend who has kids the same age. But if they get invited from school, I’m not sure what I’ll do. I’m thinking that even though I vowed not be as protective as my mom was, I probably will be.
@Alice I was particularly interested in your opinion, because you have in common with me that you’re not overly protective.
You’re right – knowing the parents “well” isn’t enough. And I forgot to list grandparents (my kids only have one set – mine), my kids have slept over at their house many times.
I too enjoyed many sleepovers growing up but the fact is, things have changed quite a bit since then and I am not very trusting of people with my children.
I can probably count on one hand how many people I’m completely comfortable with keeping my girls overnight. I’m truly not sure what to do as they get older if and when they are invited to sleepovers. I suppose my husband and I will take it one event at a time. Generally though, I don’t like the idea of my girls not being home.
Yeah, we’ve never done the sleepover thing except for grandparents. We had a situation once where we were hosting a friend’s daughter out of necessity so we thought we’d make it a sleepover type thing – of course they didn’t sleep and the next day was horrible. We opted for the mock sleepover type things from then on.
It did make it easier to just have a no sleepover policy when the friends with the creepy factor was there, that’s for sure. It’s much easier for the girls too – to just say “Thanks but we don’t do sleepovers”.
I recall a situation similar to yours, Carrie, where I found out after the fact that the dad was an abuser. Still freaks my mom out when we talk about it – that she let me stay in that house overnight on more than one occasion.
My girls do sleepovers on a regular basis. Our house is on the smaller side, so we don’t have huge sleepovers here, but they do go to stay at friend’s houses fairly often. On sports teams, it’s enormously important for them to do their girl-bonding thing and be part of the team and their rituals. When they were younger, I was a lot more concerned – now it’s a fun break for everyone.
I personally hate sleepovers at our house because it means no sleep for anyone.
I once read an alternative idea that I thought was great! One of the funnest things about a sleepover is waking up in the morning and eating breakfast/hanging out with your friends. This idea was to have a Good Morning Party. The kids would be dropped off in the morning and they could eat breakfast together, play games, even bring their sleeping bags and watch a movie together. The best part is, you don’t have to worry about your kid being overly tired or cranky in the morning!
My husband and I both agree that the only sleep overs will be with Grandparents on special occasions. We may be anal by some people’s standards, but I’d rather be protective of my kids minds, hearts and bodies than be lax and something to happen.
I’ve had experiences that I should have never been exposed to during sleep overs and playing at friends houses during the day and my husband got into his fair share of trouble as a teen sleeping over.
Not that those things happen to everyone but that will give you a little insight into our reasons for the no sleep over rule. We know so much more about the dangers of friends, parents we think we know, popes…etc. And for certain we shouldnt lock our kids away and never let them see the light of day…there are extremes that shouldn’t be taken, but I don’t believe my kids will be scarred for life because they didn’t do sleep overs.
You know it doesn’t get any easier as they get either older because my thoughts wander to… “What if a friends father takes interest in my teenager.” This parenting thing is not easy.
I do allow sleepovers only to close friends and family.
Just a word of caution. I was sexually abused when staying over at my aunt and uncle’s house. We weren’t really that close to these cousins, but since it was family, my parents thought it would be ok. IT WASN’T, I was abused by a male cousin who wasn’t much older than me. I wasn’t really able to stay over anywhere after that. My kids are still pretty little and I do let them stay with people who we trust implicitly, but I ask tons of questions and am very cautious. We probably won’t be letting them stay with school friends, I’m too paranoid. just my 2 cents.
I grew up hosting sleepovers regularly and sleeping over at others houses often…LOVED it…most of the time. Never really had bad things happen except I did break my parents rules when I went over to a friends house whose parents never watched us. We would leave the house and walk miles away to stores and stuff and they didn’t care. My parents would have had a heart attack.
Honestly the only time I was ever exposed to a sexual predator was in my own home at a Bible Study we hosted…one of the “brothers” called me into a bedroom and exposed himself to me…I was 5 or 6.
Now…I am scared that my son will ask to play/stay at someone’s house that has guns. We have a couple guns in our house but they are locked up, not loaded and there is no ammunition even in the house. I can totally see my son “playing” with guns if he had the chance though. EVERYONE has guns in this area of the country it seems…I wonder if we should put him in shooting classes so he can learn about how dangerous they are and how to handle them.
My daughter starts school this month and will make friends I am sure…I dread the day she asks me. We may end up having a no sleepover rule.
Carrie, I have to mention some ladies I know of who had a mother/toddler sleepover. The moms and the kids stayed over together and reported a marvelous time. My daughters and I have had a backyard camp out with my friend and her daughter. It is a great way to keep an eye on your own and have fun, too. As far as regular sleepovers go, it’s reserved for close friends, family and scouts, but I am a leader so that’s covered.
Firstly, we only allow sleepovers during the school holidays, otherwise they want to do it all the time.
Secondly, we don’t let them sleep over school friends’ houses. They can only stay with our close friends from our Christian meetings.
Thirdly, we prefer to host the sleepovers so we can make sure they actually get some sleep. We send them to bed at 11pm and insist that they go to sleep. It usually works, depending on which friends sleep over.
Fourthly we limit the number of girls invited to about 6. Not all of them come so it ends up manageable – last time only 3 came.
So far only my 11 year old is having sleepovers. I’m waiting for my others to stop wetting the bed before they can have one or go to one.
My mother is an overly protective parent. She just gives the automatic no to every sleep over party. ( Even if she knows them very well) Ive never ever ever ever been to a sleep over before….