Have you seen the documentary Babies yet?
Go ahead. I’ll wait.
Anyway, since the movie is kind of an educational kind of a thing I thought I would share some gems I learned from it.
(Warning: spoiler alert.)
- Big brothers can be mean. For example, when mom’s out back milking the ox, they might take the opportunity to slap you repeatedly in the face with a biscuit or their pants. But, they will get quite a tongue lashing afterward by Mom.
- Babies don’t need toys. Fingers, toes, big sister’s jewelry, empty plastic bottles somebody left in the Sahara Desert… all fair game.
- When you’re about a year old, you’ll discover another toy. If you play with it around your older brother, he will be embarrassed and try to cover it up. Thankfully, it’s attached to your body.
- If Grandma decides to give you a haircut with an 8″ inch knife, BE…VERY… STILL.
- Water in short supply? Mom spit and breastmilk make fine substitutes.
- Babysitting? Forget asking mom to pump a bottle. Your other “side” will do nicely.
- Living in a yurt looks uber cool.
- Hot Asian chicks look gorgeous while breastfeeding. And babywearing (in 4″ heels no less) through the streets of Tokyo.
- Dads are sweet but can be clueless. For instance, they may repeatedly jiggle an obnoxious rattle inches above your face tying to keep you quiet during a cellphone call. They also may let you fly over your handlebars at the baby bike play park.
- Diapers are unnecessary, but be sure to ask mom for one of those fetching belly necklaces. All the cool Namibian kids are sporting them.
- Siblings make fine babysitters. So do roosters. And very large cats.
- If mom is rubbing red dirt stuff on her belly a lot, you’re about to be born.
- Rocks are perfectly acceptable teething toys. So are bones plucked from the desert soil.
- Speaking of Dads again, don’t be surprised if they vacuum inches from your face while you’re on the floor, then use a lint roller to clean you off.
- If you get a little freaked out when Grandpa starts those curious Mongolian chants at dinner, you’re normal.
- Babies can drown in an inch of bathwater if you live in the USA. But a stream in the African desert? Totally safe.
- Everybody knows you can totally walk a cat on a leash!
- American parents are totally boring overprotective.
- When you get frustrated by things, throw a play-fit, roll around on the floor and cough to see if anyone notices and comes to your rescue.
- When mom is preparing the offal, you should just play with your little white bucket. (Trust me on this one.)
- Bananas are the BEST. Hand the peels and the nasty brown spots, half chewed, to mom.
- During bath time, yaks are more fun than rubber duckies, any day.
- Don’t hit mom. She might pull out that “No Hitting” board book and read it to you for the eleventymillionth time. (She keeps it right next to the Dr. Sears collection.)
What was your favorite thing about Babies?