Vitamin N
June 1, 2009
How do you say No to your children?
I am not one of the parenting mindset that saying NO is inappropriate. I am a huge believer in boundaries. Not just as a parent, but in all relationships.
Healthy boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, and saying NO is an important part of that.
I often remind my children that if they are the one who is “bugged”, then they are the one who “owns” the problem. Therefore, the onus is on them to solve it. (Obviously this varies depending on their age and abilities. A hungry toddler can’t always solve the problem of being hungry without some help from Mom. But an 8 year old who refuses to place dirty socks in the hamper and then finds himself without a clean pair? It’s his responsibility to get them into the hamper, not mom’s job to pick them up from the floor.)
Saying No too much, just like saying anything negative too much, tends to backfire. We want our kids to hear far more positive feedback from us than negative. Otherwise, they start to tune us out.
(Ever have a negative friend? Yeah. Like that.)
Sometimes the answer isn’t really No anyway.
Sometimes it’s “Not now”. Or it’s “Not me”, or somesuch. Sometimes it’s “Yes, when….”
That last one is one of my favorites. If I have a clear expectation of a child and I’ve done my job to communicate it properly, I expect it to be honored.
So if a child is told to please straighten up their room before we go to the park, and they don’t do it, but still expect to go to the park, my answer goes something like this:
“Mo-om, can we go to the park now!?!?!?!?”
“YES….. as soon as you’re done with your room.”
Sometimes with my toddlers, I would say Freeze or Stop instead of No. Or otherwise distract them. “Look at the airplane!”
No is powerful.
That’s why toddlers love to say it over and over as soon as they learn it. It’s a boundary, a line draw-er.
We have to say No, but we don’t want our kids to hear No so much that they become discouraged.
How do you say No creatively?
More Posts By Carrie:
- Afterschool Fussypants Problem – Solved
- How to Train Your Kids to Keep a Clean Room
- Anger Management – How Do You Do It?
Comments
Got something to say?
