Comments on: Which Comes First: Your Marriage, or Your Kids?

By: carrie

carrie — Wed, 31 Oct 2012 20:52:00 +0000

@Alison – that’s a good point. The children suffer so much when the marriage implodes, and the marriage both predates and hopefully supercedes the kids!

@Danielle – I understand! I don’t think we should view our kids and spouses as being in competition. Studies have shown that it really is the little things that keep a marriage together – the smile and hug and warm greeting when he comes home from work, refilling his coffee, picking up on each other’s “bids” for attention, hugging and holding hands (even when you both fall into bed too exhausted for much more!). Avoiding fights and what John Gottman calls the “4 horsemen of the apocalypse” are super important too. Those things go a long way.

I also try to set boundaries with my kids to create a safe space around my marriage. For instance, when hubby and I are talking at the end of a day, I don’t allow them to interrupt. And there is a reason for early bedtimes! They benefit from seeing that we take our marriages seriously.

By: Danielle

Danielle — Wed, 31 Oct 2012 20:25:51 +0000

I wish I had more balance in this area! I can’t seem to find to time and energy for all of it, and husband is always the last on the list. I know it’s wrong, but I’m not sure how to fix it.

By: Alison Solove @ExperimentalWifery

Alison Solove @ExperimentalWifery — Wed, 31 Oct 2012 18:17:31 +0000

As a school teacher, I see the consequences of broken marriages every day. Because I teach at a religious school where most of the kids are lucky enough to have parents who make their spouses a priority, the kids who go home to unhealthy relationships or a single, divorced parents stand out as less social, less motivated, and less happy. The evidence in front of me seems to say putting my marriage first IS putting my children first.

My sixteen-month-old son’s material needs come first, but my husband is the most important part of my life.