Why It’s Been Hard To Blog

February 24, 2011

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I’m sitting here at Starbucks with a little muse named Ruby, sleeping, tucked into a mei tai on my chest.

Wow.

It’s been awhile.

This used to be my routine.

Twice a week I would drop off the kids at my mom’s house and head to a wifi spot.

Coffee in hand, I would plunk out several blog posts, thanks in part to the caffeine.

Now, I’m all hopped up on oxytocin and prolaction. And it’s harder to get motivated.

Well, that’s not exactly true. I’m perfectly motivated. If you’re asking about sitting on the sofa and gazing at my 7 month old as she nurses. Or laying diapers in the sun so they’re nice and white before I put them on her bottom (as if she cared?).

It’s the other stuff that doesn’t much interest me.

Stuff like, cleaning the showers.

But I’ve missed my blog. I hope you have missed me. Just a little.

It’s been really hard to blog.

For one thing, I’m sure not sure where to draw the line when I write about my new blended family. My stepdaughter, for instance. She’s not really “mine”. So is it ok if I write about her, or post pictures of her, with the same transparency I have my own bio kids? As bloggers we all kind of find a comfort zone with this, but what do you do when you may be writing about someone else’s kid? (Who happens to live with you.)

Complicating this is the fact that my ex-wife (my pet name for the woman I might as well have been married to) has threatened our family with legal action more than once. Unspeakable, outlandish claims have been made. Threats involving CPS have been thrown around. It’s all bogus. But it’s enough to make a mom stressed, to say the least.

A photographer shot beautiful pictures of my family a couple of months ago. She even posted one of the best shots of little Z on her blog. When big Z found out, he was understandably proud, sharing the link with his friends and family on Facebook. But all I could think of is, will her mother have a hissy fit? Will we be inundated with abusive emails, texts and calls? Will my dear sweet husband be accosted by her yet again?

It’s one thing if the anonymous, at-a-distance internets know that we co-sleep, or that I breastfeed my children “until they’re done”. It’s another thing to be called a pervert by someone who can make your life miserable.

That kind of thing. It’s been difficult coming to terms with that worry.

It’s been hard to blog because I have more responsibility now.

Big Z reminded me of something the other day. He said, “You’re taking care of 7 people now, instead of just 4.”

That’s a big difference. I’m busier than I used to be. I cook more. I clean more. I have twice as much laundry. Men create a lot of extra work. :-) Not that he isn’t worth it. It’s wonderful to have someone who works hard to care for me and my children, 4 of which aren’t even related to him. He’s a wonderful man for that.

But I still have anxiety. I can’t just let my business go. My blog is a part of that. And so I have to get back to work. I feel so much better when I’m blogging.

I went through a depression for some months. Did I tell you that?

Depression makes it hard to blog.

I’m feeling much better now. I’ll write more about this later, and what I’m doing to feel better.

In the meantime, thanks for being here for me.

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Comments

13 Responses to “Why It’s Been Hard To Blog”

  1. Kai on February 24th, 2011 11:34 am

    Welcome back! We missed you!

  2. Shay @ Wonderfully Chaotic on February 24th, 2011 11:51 am

    I’m so glad you’re blogging again! I’ve missed reading your posts! It’s very hard to get back into the groove after a new baby. And I completely understand about blended families – I have a step-child as well and since I don’t have her family’s permission, I write about her sparingly. I don’t do it to be mean or because I don’t like her, I just want to avoid problems. I’ve only posted a few pictures of her and I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned her name. I hope things work out for you in that situation.

    Welcome back!

  3. Marcie Macari on February 24th, 2011 12:32 pm

    Carrie-
    What a beautiful, wonderful surprise to see your notification in my inbox. It was akin togetting flowers for no reason, or having someone pay for your tea at the coffeeshop without being asked.

    It is very difficult to quantify our journey in a way that people will be caught-up with us when we’re ready to re-engage. That being said, I can definately relate to much of what you posted here.

    Thank you for your candor.

    As a sidenote…I’m expecting #4. (I’ve had 3 losses in 9 months, but we’ve finally seen a heartbeat!)

    I look forward to catching back up with you!

    Marcie

    PS: Some people handle the non-biological child issue/blogging subject this way: Photos don’t include the whole face, and names are shortened to an initial or to an endearing petname….if she is part of your family, it’ll be very difficult to completely leave her out. And what is on the internet stays on the internet. If you don’t include her in some manner, then one day, this little girl you love WILL google her name or yours, and she will ask you why her life wasn’t catalogued like everyone else’s…

  4. Sabrina Workman on February 24th, 2011 12:47 pm

    I was just thinking about you yesterday. I hadn’t seen an email in awhile and was hoping everything was okay. I am so sorry things have been so difficult. I can relate to difficulty and depression. I am so glad you’re okay and you’re back! Hang in there. You are not alone.

  5. Heather on February 24th, 2011 3:17 pm

    It is good to see you doing something that you enjoy again. And good to be able to read your blog again! :) Blended families are always challenging but you are a good considerate mom so no matter what you will do what is right for you and your family. Echoing everyone else when I say, “hang in there”. It can only get better.
    Will be thinking of you and sending you some wishes for a refreshing and easier spring.

  6. Emily on February 24th, 2011 3:33 pm

    I have missed you, and I figured it was because you had a lot of family stuff going on.

    Will keep you and yours in my prayers…

  7. Leanne on February 24th, 2011 5:05 pm

    It’s good to see you. I’ve been to some of the same places you have, so know you aren’t alone. Your sisterhood out here in the ether understands, will listen and will continue to love you.

  8. Christine Holroyd on February 24th, 2011 5:27 pm

    Nice to ‘see’ you back Carrie. Wow, life really throws some curved balls at us, doesn’t it?

    Depression : can relate
    Nastiness from another woman, but for a different reason and also not of my making : can relate.

    So sorry it’s been tough. I know the blogging is therapeutic and feels good when you’re doing it, but it’s a catch 22 ’cause trying to do it is another story with so much happening.

    I’ll hold you in my thoughts and hope that somehow you manage to stay sane with such a massive workload. Don’t know how you do it. {{ warm hugs}}

  9. Mom on February 24th, 2011 7:26 pm

    Glad to have you back Sweetheart!!

    Let me know if I can help in any way, OK?
    Mom

  10. Lindy on February 24th, 2011 8:30 pm

    Hello, Carrie

    I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with so much I ‘understand it takes a lot time sometimes to blog. I just started one and it’s hard to remember to put it together like I need too. I still haven’t gotten it all down yet. I’m glad it is helping you manage your stress. Are you taking anything for your Depression if you don’t mind me asking, I have to take medication because I deal with a lot with my son’s disability and everything else. I hope that you can stay with it I like reading your blog. Oh, Something to consider a couple of days a week you could get a Virtual Assistant that could maybe manage it for you. There is a some great ones out there that could help you out. Let me know if you need anything.

  11. carrie on February 25th, 2011 10:47 am

    Thanks everyone. Your loving, supportive comments are so touching!

  12. Jeanine Byers Hoag on February 25th, 2011 9:36 pm

    Good to hear from you again!

    I’m a stepmom and I have had some of the same concerns. I do mention my stepdaughter and occasionally post a pic, especially when it’s a family pic. But I am careful about it. So I understand what you’re saying.

    And new babies, blessings though they are, are a descent into chaos! Take your time getting acclimated.

    Best!
    Jeanine

  13. Kim on February 27th, 2011 1:31 pm

    It’s SO great to see you blog again. Your blog has been such a big help in getting our family on the natural path.

    I am commenting as one that has been there done that and now that my step-daughter soon will be 21 to offer a little comfort.
    I had an “ex-wife” like the one you mention and homeschool and breastfed as well.

    I understand how hard it can be while going through but can honestly say it was worth it to have the relationship I now have with my step-daughter. Just know this season shall pass and great rewards are waiting for you at the finish line.

    Many Blessings to you and your family,
    Kim

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