Your Four, Six and Seven Year Old
August 24, 2008
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One of the more important principles of gentle discipline and attachment parenting are understanding a child’s developmental stages.
How can you know how to discipline a child if you don’t know what you can reasonably to expect of them? For example, we don’t expect newborns to sleep through the night, and we don’t expect two year olds to sit still for long periods. It’s unreasonable of us to ask things of them that they’re unable to do.
If you don’t get that your four year old may very well lie or “steal” and not truly understand why those actions are wrong, then you may overreact when your four year old takes gum from your purse repeatedly. And then denies it. No, she’s not going to grow up to be a kleptomaniac. 
That’s why I love the “Your _ Year Old” series of books by Louise Bates Ames, PhD. and Frances L. Ilg, M.D.
They tell you what to expect from your kids during their various ages and stages. I grabbed three of these books from my shelves so you can see what I mean.
Your Four-Year-Old: Wild and Wonderful
I already mentioned an aspect of four year old development that is extremely common. Lying is very common among four year olds. They can’t really be expected to understand what a lie is at this age, even though they may be able to verbalize what a lie is (they’ve been told this by adults but can’t really understand such an abstract notion yet).
Also common among four year olds is swearing. I remember when my second child start making up little cuss words at this age (he didn’t know any real cuss words and therefore didn’t have any in his vocabulary but he didn’t let that stop him!). I thought it was funny and knew not to overreact, but reading that this is normal for kids his age was a bit of a relief.
Your Six-Year-Old: Loving and Defiant
Six year olds tend to be a bit oppositional. While five is often a peaceful age, things can change at six and a parent can find themselves with a child who suddenly defies them, screams or pitches fits.
Six year olds frequently switch their numbers and letters. If your six year old does this, don’t assume they are dyslexic. It’s common at this age.
Another interesting thing about six year olds is that they blame everything - good and bad - on mother. I was having a conversation with another mom about this very thing. It’s quite common for six year olds to become extremely upset, angry even, at mom when something goes wrong in their lives.
I remember experiencing this with my son a year ago and sometimes it would hurt my feelings a little. Then when I read it was a common phenomenon among kids his age, I stopped worrying about it. That’s how these books can be so powerful. They allow you to separate your emotions from your parenting.
Your Seven-Year-Old: Life in a Minor Key
The title alone gives you lots of information about common behavior among seven year olds. Compared to the drama of six, seven year olds often become rather withdrawn into themselves. Sevens also discover that “it’s not fair!” and believe that others have it in for them.
Seven year olds often have more worries and fears than other ages. Seven year olds can be a bit perfectionistic, wearing themselves out trying to do this or that perfectly.
Each of the “Your _ Year Old” books has the same qualifying statement, that it’s impossible to say what ALL kids are doing at any age, and that these are just a guide to common behaviors of the stage.
These books introduced me to the concept of “equilibrium/disequilibrium” that I recognize in my kids. Things can go very smoothly for several months and then bam! you hardly recognize your child because a “good eater” is suddenly surviving on spit and air, or a “good sleeper” is suddenly refusing to go to bed, or an obedient child is suddenly defiant, etc.
It’s not so much that your kids are trying to drive you crazy, they’re just in equilibrium or disequilibrium!
Each of these volumes contains information on the tensional outlets common to the age, sleep and eating habits, how the child is likely to interact with parents, teachers and siblings, even how best to throw a party for each age. They even have toy and book recommendations that kids will enjoy at different stages.
Each book is small and can be read in a sitting, but they have proven to be some of the best investments I’ve made in parenting books. I also like that the books recommend a very gentle discipline style. There are frequent references to Dr. Haim Ginott (another of his devotees are the authors of the How to Talk so Your Child Will Listen books).
You can browse all the Your _ Year Old
If you really want to understand both what your child is going through and how you can best help him, grab one for each of your kids ages.
More Posts By Carrie:
- Review: The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child
- Caleb Says: Buy Your Kid These Books
- How We Do Homeschool History
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