After reading and responding to a comment Candi left on yesterday’s post (about accomplishing those weekly and monthly cleaning chores), I realized it’s been ages since I wrote about kids, chores and allowances.

I’m pretty opinionated on this topic, and like a good blogger, that means I should write about it.

Also, I read some interesting research on the topic in my current read, Laura Vanderkam’s All the Money in the World: What the Happiest People Know About Getting and Spending (highly recommended, by the way – and a review is forthcoming).

When I mentioned cleaning yesterday, I neglected to mention the stuff the kids do. Currently the lineup looks like this:

• Caleb, 13 – Laundry. Yep, a 13 year old boy does all the family’s laundry. This is actually his choice. He enjoys the job.
• Zoe, 12 – Kitchen. Since Zoe is in public school, she loads the dishwasher after dinner and handwashes the pots and pans. (Since I’m home I do the bulk of the kitchen cleaning.)
• Julien, 11 – Sweeping and mopping. He sweeps the dining area once or twice a day (always after dinner) and sweeps the living room once a day. He mops those areas every couples of days (at least, in theory).
• Ilana, 9 – Kitchen floor. She sweeps a couple of times a day and mops once daily. She also puts groceries away after I shop.
• Sadie, 6 – Random. At this point I am still working on teaching her basics like: putting clothing in the hamper, tidying up the bathroom when you leave it, cleaning up your kitchen mess when you make a snack. The good news is that she is always willing to help me do big jobs (like those weekly/monthly things) as well as cleaning out the back of the car.
• Ruby, 2 – Official Messmaker. Working on training her to: not write on walls and desks, and to pick up her books and toys.

A bit about my chores philosophy.

Chores for kids are a good thing.

(See also: Chores and your kids. Chores, chores, chores.)

That about sums it up.

No seriously folks, I believe chores teach a good work ethic, teamwork, and responsibility. I will NOT be saying goodbye to adult kids who cannot: cook basic meals, do their own laundry, know the importance of cleaning up after themselves, etc.

Many, many adults struggle with messiness because they don’t have habits and routines like: putting dirty clothes in the hamper or hanging up clean clothing once it leaves their body, leaving the bathroom clean after they use it, etc.

Yuck.

I remind my kids often that for the rest of their lives, they will be sharing space with other human beings. Whether it’s roommates, bosses and co-workers, spouses, etc… it’s a fact of life. And nobody wants to share space with a slob. Messiness is selfish, lazy and shows a lack of respect for the people around you.

Also, a woman is not a maid. I do not want my sons growing up with the mindset that the woman in their life exists to pick up their crumbs and dirty clothing – regardless of whether she works as a wage earner or not. That is immature thinking and will cause trouble in their marriages.

Being responsible for one’s own mess spills over into other aspects of life, like being responsible for one’s own finances, being responsible for one’s own emotions, being responsible for one’s own happiness, and much more I suspect.

Another reason for kids to do chores: because they use my house for entertaining. Having little tea parties and book club meetings, like in the picture above, mean extra work and stress for mom. You bet that kids are going to help with the extra cleanup before and after entertaining their friends.

Now about that research I mentioned. I do believe in paying children allowances. I believe that doing so helps them make a connection between labor and money. You work = you get paid. You no work = you no get paid.

2 Thess. 3:10: “If anyone is not willing to work, neither let him eat.”

Galatians 6:5: “For each one should carry his own load.”

There are some things I expect the kids to do just because they share space with other bodies and make messes. Things such as: putting their dishes in the dishwasher, wiping crumbs off the counters when they make snacks, cleaning their rooms, etc.

It turns out that my belief in paying my kids for work above and beyond those basic “clean up after yourself” tasks has some actual science behind it.

In All the Money in the World: What the Happiest People Know About Getting and Spending, the author quotes research done by Lewis Mandell, dean emeritus of SUNY Buffalo’s School of Management. After studying this for years, Mandell learned that children who receive allowances that are not conditional (just free money), were less likely to demonstrate financial savvy than children who received no regular allowance or kids who got paid for chores.

My children sometimes find their allowance docked or withheld entirely if I have to remind them too often to do chores, or if they do a poor job or with a poor attitude. (This has only happened a few times!) Dave Ramsey even takes umbrage with the word “allowance”, preferring “commissions”… his belief is that allowance fosters a welfare mentality (as in, someone will always be there to “make allowances” for your deficit), but I think that’s splitting hairs.

What do you think?

When you’re a mom of young kids, much of your housecleaning time involves putting out fires.

Today so far I’ve:

• Wiped up 3 water or milk spills courtesy of toddler
• Picked up strewn books, toys, etc off floor
• Changed toddler outfit twice
• Wiped purple marker off the hardwood floors
• Cleaned up lotion that toddler squeezed all over the floor and herself
• Tried, unsuccessfully, to scrub Sharpie marker artwork off my white antique desk (there goes that toddler again!)

Of course, I also did several actual regular cleaning tasks such as:

• Cleaned the kitchen (unloaded/loaded dishwasher, wiped counters multiple times)
• Took out trash – twice
• Vacuumed living room
• Cleaned the table
• Stripped bed linens

You see how, with all of these little cleaning tasks going on, it’s difficult to get to the important weekly and monthly cleaning chores?

The thing about these particular jobs is that they are what make a home actually smell and look clean. If you have a few toys scattered about your living room but your windows are clean and the baseboards not dingy, the room still looks nice.

The challenge is to figure out how to actually GET those monthly and weekly tasks accomplished.

I often lament to my husband that I spend too much time picking up general detritus left about the central living areas. By the time I’m done with that, I’m too tired or busy to do the important cleaning tasks. It’s not an unwillingness, it’s just a lack of time and womanpower.

Also, I find that completing the bigger cleaning tasks actually make me feel far more productive and happy.

By contrast, niggley jobs (like picking up people’s junk left about) makes me extremely grumpy.

Hopefully, no longer. I realized I needed a system. So I grabbed pencil and paper and walked from room to room.

I made a list of all the cleaning tasks that need to be done in my home.

I didn’t include daily pick up tasks like cleaning the kitchen and such. This was just for weekly and monthly items. Stuff like cleaning the kitchen cabinet fronts, sanitizing the trash cans, and wiping the baseboards.

Then I decided whether the particular chore needed to be done weekly or monthly.

Living in a large family means that some jobs that are weekly to some families (like vacuuming and mopping and cleaning bathrooms) are done daily or every other day. By the same token, some things that are done weekly in many homes (dusting) just aren’t a priority to me, so that’s a monthly thing!

Turns out there were fewer than 30 weekly/monthly cleaning chores in all. Sounds like one a day, doesn’t it?

I printed out a calendar where each day has one weekly/monthly cleaning task assigned to it.

I even get two days off if the month has 31 days.

It was a bit tricky, because I had to remember to schedule the weekly tasks… well, weekly. They had to repeat. But the monthly jobs only show up on the calendar once each month. Most of these chores only take from 10-20 minutes. When I’ve finished, I strike it off of my list.

I also ask for help. Sadie, 6, in particular loves to attack a cleaning job with me. (Now getting her to clean her room is another matter entirely!) The other day when the chore was to scrub the bathroom floors with Oxi-Clean, she spotted me on hands and knees with the scrub brush and asked if she could do it instead. She did a great job.

How’s it working so far?

Actually, pretty good. I’m still feeling rotten some days and I’ll admit that many days I just skip it. But that’s ok. When I’m back to my old self I know I won’t have a problem getting these things all checked off.

Having the calendar gives me peace of mind. Leaving it up to chance means that things don’t get done as much and I feel, oddly, more overwhelmed. Having a PLAN feels great and puts me back in control.

How do you work out doing those weekly and monthly cleaning chores?

If it would be helpful, you can download my calendar here.

You know what I find interesting lately?

What people assume.

I was taught that when you assume, you make an ass+u+me.

But, I was raised right. Not everyone learned that wisdom.

I find it humorous that people assume that because you have several children, you are overwhelmed and stressed.

I am neither.

(What I am at the moment is nauseated, but that will pass.)

That having several children is “hard”.

It’s not. At least, not for me.

That they must be accidents.

That you must not understand how the plumbing works. That you’re too ignorant to use birth control.

That a 7th child in the household couldn’t have been planned.

And they would be wrong.

Call me crazy, but I have this notion that children are a blessing.

The other day when an acquaintance I hadn’t seen in a few years met my husband and found out we had 6 children together and were expecting another, she exclaimed:

“I hope you have a good job!”

(My husband said the next time someone asked him that, he would reply, “No, I just have a really good wife!” Ain’t he sweet?)

When he assured her that he was a business owner and doing quite fine, her next question was:

“Well what about health care!?”

Umm, impertinent much? I wonder if she would appreciate my asking if her husband was prepared for retirement just because he is in his 60′s?

I can’t imagine asking someone about their financial situation. I also can’t imagine making assumptions like this about people. I can’t imagine commenting on someone’s choice of family size, or birth control, or the mechanics of sex. I honestly don’t care what someone else decides to do with their life. Their choices don’t affect me.

But these are things people say to parents of large families.

The truth is, having several children makes you smarter about where your money goes. My husband and I budget carefully. Just last night we held a Couples Meeting where we discussed the budget, make adjustments, looked at our overall financial picture, and discussed our goals.

We’re doing fine. We have no credit card debt, we just paid cash for our vehicle, we recently took an 8 day vacation, we have savings on hand for emergencies and we earn more than enough to provide for our family. Considering these facts, I would say we are doing far better than many who are saddled with credit card debt and live paycheck to paycheck.

Why am I called upon to defend myself?

Do people who assume that mothers of many are unhappy and stressed simply feel threatened? Perhaps because they don’t enjoy motherhood? I never asked for the title, but several friends have dubbed me SuperMom. Would this cause another mom to feel inferior and make inappropriate comments to me?

More assumptions about large families, just for the fun of it:

• That your home must be a mess all the time
• That you live in chaos
• That you never get a quiet moment to yourself
• That you live off the government, or even better… child support (don’t make me laugh with that last one!)
• That your house is always loud and crazy
• That you don’t spent time with the children individually
• That you and your spouse can’t get alone time
• That the breadwinner works 70+ hours a week.

I suppose you can learn a lot about a person by what they assume.

No?

My standard answer to these kinds of inappropriate questions from now on? I’m going to turn it around on the person and ask them how they’re doing in that particular area. People reflect onto your their own concerns. They reflect what’s in their heart.

Comment: “Another baby?! You guys need to get the snip!”

Reply: “Actually, we planned this child and are quite happy. Are you worried about your family planning?”

Comment: “How are you guys going to pay for all those kids?”

Reply: “We’re doing fine, thanks. Are you concerned about your finances?”

What do you think?

My oldest son was a Happy Accident.

(Apparently, the cervical cap doesn’t work if you don’t use it. Who knew!?)

Of course, once I had him I realized I had found my niche. And I also knew right away that I didn’t want him to be an only child.

I know what some of the books say.

That only children are super achievers. They have higher IQs. They have exclusive rights to their parents finances. They tend to be better educated.

I know what the research says.

Eh, forget all that.

My 10 year old just handed me a baby, naked from the waist down. She smelled faintly of poop. Why? Because he had just changed her diaper.

Mostly.

Imperfectly.

I think he benefits far more from having this experience than all the money, education and intelligence (what kind?) in the world. After all, in 50 years he might have to change my diaper. Or his wife’s diaper.

I don’t judge people who choose to only have one child, but I believe there are so many benefits to older children of having young siblings.

Namely:

Patience.

My kids probably can’t count how many times we’ve been in the car and I pulled over to nurse a tiny infant who was screaming for her mommy’s arms. How many times have they not been able to leave for a fun outing yet because the baby needed to be changed/fed/etc. How many times did they have to leave somewhere interesting early because a baby was overtired/overstimulated/oversunned/overheated etc.

Life with a young baby or toddler slows down. Older kids learn to wait for their turn, and to share resources. I think they also learn how to get attention in creative ways. They develop spunk and personality, to stand out from the crowd instead of passively receiving.

Humility.

Melissa Fay Greene put it beautifully in our conversation (If you haven’t listened, you must!)  when she said her youngest daughter was “dethroned” upon the arrival of her first adopted son, but how much better was it for her to be dethroned at 7 than at 17, or 27, or… never (shudder!)?

Having a younger sibling teaches you that it ain’t all about you. That other people’s needs must be considered, too. And that there is joy in self sacrifice.

A serving spirit.

There are diapers to change, chores to do. Older siblings learn to help out more when a new baby arrives.

It’s been my experience that big kids love to help out their younger siblings, at least when they’re really little. Some days I practically have to make an appointment to hold my baby because the older kids pass her around so much.

Practice.

Children who see their mother mothering babies learn a lot about parenting. They’re not clueless about how babies are to be treated. They may see what labor and birth are actually like instead of how they’re portrayed in the movies. They see their mother breastfeeding which normalizes the activity for them.

The value of these experiences can’t be underestimated once they have children of their own.

Forgiveness.

Babies and toddlers break your toys. They throw up on your clothes. They may slap you in the face while you repeat “gentle” over and over.

Older children learn forgiveness when they have younger siblings around. They are reminded that when they were that age, they broke things and spilled stuff all the time too.

Independence.

When you have one child, it is often easier to do everything for them. When you have several, it is worth the time it takes to teach and train them to do things for themselves. This has many advantages. Not only does it benefit you as a parent but it is a gift to the child. Accomplishment builds self esteem.

Love.

Shortly after Ruby was born, one of my sons came to me with big huge tears in his eyes. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me:

“Nothing.

It’s just that I love her SO MUCH and I don’t even know why.”

That pretty much sums it up for me folks.

This week I spoke with Melissa Fay Greene, fellow Atlanta resident and author of several books, including No Biking in the House Without a Helmet.

Melissa is the mother of 9 children. Her first 4 came to her the usual way, and the second set came via adoption.

Melissa talked with me about her beautiful large family, her decision to adopt internationally, suffering with post adoption depression, the challenge of bringing a new child into the family, life with several spirited boys in the house, whether her mothering style has adapted over the years, and how her biological children have benefited from her decision to adopt.

I loved this interview! It lasts a little longer than most. I hope you take the time to read Melissa’s book. Instead of painting a perfect picture, it portrays a realistic one, complete with tears and laughter. You can read more about Melissa and her family at her website.

At our house, we recently started a new weekly tradition.

Monday night is our Family Meeting

Do you have something similar at your house?

Family Meetings are a chance for us to gather and:

• Discuss future plans (weekend fun, vacations, etc)
• Talk about goals we have as a family
• Get input from each other
• Swap up chores
• Thank each other
• Resolve conflict
• Brainstorm together
• Ask for help
• Remind/reinforce family rules

photo credit: mt 23

For instance, tonight we talked about conflict resolution.

I printed up a simple 4 step conflict resolution model and we did some role playing to demonstrate the right and wrong way to resolve conflict.

We also reminded the kids about a previous problem (everyone using way too many drinking glasses all day long!) and a solution.

I take minutes on the meeting which are reviewed at the start of the next week’s meeting.

Anyone is free to bring up any topic they want to discuss with the group.

For example, one week one of the children told everyone that he was feeling a little lonely and wanted people to pay him more attention. Another time, one kid asked if everyone would please remember to flush! The kids make suggestions (this week, one child asked if on Monday we could rotate having movie and game night) and we vote on the outcome.

So far it’s been a good thing for our family. The only problem is that sometimes the kids don’t take it as seriously as I would like. Their attention wanders, even after only a few minutes. While I don’t want the process to be entirely democratic, I do want them to enjoy the meeting.

I don’t want the thing to play out like a Dilbert cartoon, in other words.

Do you have any suggestions on how we can keep Family Meeting fun as well as engaging?

photo credit: Valocity Studios

(By the way, this isn’t my family. This is just a nice looking family I found by searching stock photos.)

You Might Be The Baby In a Large Family If…

• If your wardrobe is monstrously huge (so huge that mom just throws away pieces that get stained instead of bothering with stain removal), but not one piece of it new, you might be the baby in a large family.
• And if you have several Rubbermaid containers full of clothing in the basement to grow into.
• If you say your first word at one week of age (both my youngest baby and my youngest nephew said their first words, clear as a bell, as tiny newborns).
• If you have several people lined up first thing in the morning asking if they can be first to hold you.
• If you have no baby book or scrapbook, and all the pics snapped of you were taken by grandparents or older siblings, you might be the baby in a large family.
• If your mom never bothered to show up for her 6 week postpartum checkup.
• If you can’t fall asleep when it’s too quiet.
• If your every spit up, fart and poop happen before an audience of spectators (with accompanying commentary).
• If your Mom was at Home Depot, the grocery store, or IKEA while in labor just minutes before you were born.
• If the midwife barely made it to your birth.
• If 3 or more siblings help you get strapped into your car seat.
• If all your cloth diapers are stained. Before you started wearing them.
• If the question of “Who gets to cut the cord?” requires a family meeting.
• If Mom can’t remember your name most of the time (or calls you by your sister’s name(s).
• If your Mom wouldn’t let anyone throw her a baby shower.
• If your older siblings could lead a breastfeeding education meeting.
• If your arrival meant that your parents had to buy a larger vehicle.
• If your Mom did nothing but lie about and hold you until you were two weeks old because your older siblings did the cooking, cleaning and laundry.
• And finally, if you’re 10 weeks old and your Mom still hasn’t gotten around to giving you your first bath, you might be the baby in a large family.

One of the questions people ask when they come across homeschooling parents is how they manage to teach their kids when they have more than one. Since so many homeschooling families seem to have larger families, it can certainly be done and it’s not as difficult as some might think. In fact, there are certain advantages to homeschooling when you have several kids.

For parents making the decision to homeschool, the fact that they have more than one child may concern them. They might fear that they won’t have enough time to focus on each child’s education enough.

Here are some tips to help you juggle your various children’s needs while you teach your kids at home.

Homeschooling Multiple Children: When You Have Babies and Toddlers

Homeschooling the older kids when you have babies and toddlers in the house is probably the most challenging time. With a baby or tot small enough to be held a lot, you can use a sling to keep your youngest close and happy and meet his needs while you read to or work with older children.

Use feeding times for study periods and read aloud time.

Since you’ll likely be sitting down to feed your baby anyway, have your other child(ren) read to you or sit them on your other side and read aloud to them. Your baby will benefit too from hearing words read aloud. They will learn that reading is a pleasurable activity, and hearing all those words spoken will improve their own vocabulary and reading skills later on.

For preschool and Kindergarteners, a literature based curriculum like Five In a Row may be just the thing if you have lots of little kids.

Create and enforce quiet time/nap time.

When your baby or toddler is napping is an ideal time for more focused attention on the schoolwork, but what if nobody is still napping? Create and enforce quiet time. This is a good time for you to regroup and rest or catch up a struggling reader or child who needs some extra attention with school.

Keep little ones busy.

Toddlers and preschoolers can “do school” in the same area when older children are doing seatwork. Keep them stocked with appropriate arts and crafts activities to do. Likely they’ll pick up on much of the discussion going on during school time.

If this doesn’t work well for your kids and you need to separate them, try moving around the house a little. Perhaps the older child(ren) can sit at the dining room table for a bit and the younger ones use the floor or coffee table in the living room. Or an older child can do schoolwork at a desk in their room or a parent’s office.

If you have older children, let them take turns taking care of the baby/toddler in the house for short periods. This allows you to spend some one on one time with each child during the day.

Homeschooling Multiple Children: Your Older Kids

If your children are older (and certainly once they’re all reading well!), things are a little easier. They no longer need much supervision. Most older homeschooled kids are pretty accustomed to figuring things out on their own and coming to you when they get stuck and need some help or to get more information. And for trips to the library!

With older kids, you can definitely use their size and maturity to help you get things done around the house, increasing the time you have available for homeschooling projects and field trips.

Get your kids involved in chores and meal preparation.

I cannot emphasize this enough. Learning how to clean up, complete simple handy projects around the house, do laundry and cook is very important real life preparation. In the old days, they called this stuff home economics!

If you have a child who is old enough, teach them how to prepare simple meals on their own without your assistance. A child as young as 7 can be taught how to make toast, eggs, oatmeal, sandwiches, cut vegetables and fruits, etc. After my youngest was born, my oldest son was a huge help to me because he could make snacks and easy meals for me. He was only 7 but he could do a lot around the kitchen. Now at ten, he loves to bake snacks and desserts, bake bread from scratch (no bread machine, he kneads the dough by hand), and help with dinner.

Meal prep isn’t just about eating and helping mom, but also reinforces reading, math and science skills.

A child as young as 3 can take their folded laundry to be put away in their dresser. Older kids can bring you dirty laundry, help fold and put things away when they’re done. Children can operate a vacuum properly from the time they’re around 6. A 5 year old can sweep small messes (like crumbs under the table) with a hand held broom and dustpan.

The reason I mention this is because as a homeschooling family, your house will likely get messier simply due to the fact that the kids are in it more hours of the day!

Forego summer and other lengthy vacations and do school year round.

Teaching through the summer can make up for lost time you experience during the year due to having a baby or illness or other family challenges that come up. Some parents even do a little schoolwork on the weekends. Why should learning be limited to 5 days a week?

One of the best things about homeschooling is the fact that learning can take place anytime, anywhere. Sometimes I even have to urge my kids to stop reading or building or creating and Go.To.Bed. My oldest can often be found reading his Science book at 10 PM (past his bedtime!).

Use your support network.

Can your husband, grandparents, or babysitters help the kids with schoolwork in the evenings and on weekends? Or are their other experiences your family and friends can expose your child to? Does your local homeschool support group offer a co-op? You don’t have to go it alone. Your children will benefit from different people’s perspective.

Avoid the “school at home” mentality.

Contrary to popular belief, homeschooling doesn’t involve sitting across the table from your child for several hours a day doing schoolwork. Most homeschoolers do not follow this model and the ones that do, burn out really quickly and either quit entirely or change their methods. Usually everyone is much happier!

Use curriculum that isn’t instructor intensive.

This means that you won’t have to spend a lot of time in prep work each day/week. The kids will be able to dig right in to their work, saving time. If the curriculum you’ve chosen requires you to spend a lot of time preparing lesson plans, it might not work for your family situation. That’s ok. Choose another!

On the other hand, unit studies, which do require more advance planning on the part of the parent, can allow children of different ages to learn together since everyone can do activities on their skill level. Try it out and see what works best for your situation. You don’t have to find the “perfect” solution right away.

Encourage working together.

Older kids can help younger kids with their schoolwork when you can’t be available. This reinforces the older child’s skills – the best way to learn something is to teach it! It can also increase goodwill among children.

You might want to forgo a traditional preschool curriculum for 3 to 5 year olds and let the younger kids learn alongside the older ones.

Encourage independence.

Allow older kids leeway in their school schedule. You may even want to let them choose their own curriculum or how they learn various subjects.

And finally, don’t set yourself up for failure with a rigid schedule. Adding pregnancy, a new baby, toddlers, and preschoolers to the mix can be challenging for any parent, and if you’re homeschooling, you especially need to be realistic about what you can accomplish. You might want to adopt an eclectic homeschooling style or even unschool for a period (or permanently).

If you ever doubt that your children are getting a good education because of homeschooling during their various ages and stages, think about what school was like for many people in this country a hundred years ago. Schoolkids of all ages were put in one room together with one teacher and this system produced a generation of Americans that were far more literate than modern generations!

Create a flexible, visual Schedule

When it comes to organizing your homeschool day, creating a visual schedule may work best for you. If you can SEE everything at a glance, you can see where there may be “bottlenecks” in your day and shuffle things around for a better fit. Also, if the kids can SEE the schedule prominently, they’re more likely to stay on task.

Finally here is a book recommendation. Homeschooling More Than One Child: A Practical Guide for Families is a wonderful book that has hundreds of tips and bits of advice for families. The author is a homeschooling mom of 4 who also founded a homeschool support group in her state.