Are The Parent/Child Boundaries Blurred?
October 21, 2009
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When this article hit my inbox, I was intrigued.
Just yesterday I read an article about “Generation X” – it stated that parents who raised GenX kids were the first to try to be their children’s friend.
Even though I believe in attachment/gentle parenting, I still firmly believe that it’s in my best interests to be a parent, not a buddy to my kids.
That doesn’t mean we don’t have a close relationship, or that my children cannot confide in me.
It means that my kids need me to be an authority figure, not a peer.
I think this article has some good points. I do not agree with point #1 – I find that cosleeping has nothing to do with discipline. Sadly, I recognize a couple of these signs in my oldest child, who tends to be a bit manipulative at times.
Let me know what you think.
10 Signs that the Parent-Child Boundary Is Blurred
By Dr. David Swanson, Psy.D.
You would love to think that your kids not only love you, but also like you—that they think you’re “cool” and consider you a friend. The problem is, when you blur the line between being your child’s parent and being his friend, your child is likely to use a manipulative technique I call “Forging the Friendship” in order to get what he wants.
Forging the Friendship is the strategy with which your child tries to turn you into his friend, thereby breaking down the power structure that should exist. When you revert from parent to friend, it’s much harder for you to say no.
Children who employ this manipulative strategy are understandably unaware of the dysfunction between themselves and their parents. They may fall into this role because they take emotional care of a parent or because the parent shares inappropriate information with them, such as details of a dispute with a spouse, or financial worries.
In my practice, divorced parents are most at risk for blurred parent-child boundaries for several reasons: (1) they fear losing their child’s respect or love; (2) they don’t want to be viewed as the “bad” parent, or (3) they’re lonely and in need of a friend or confidant.
Psychologists call a child who is forced to take on the responsibilities of her parent or caregiver a “parentified child.” Here are 10 signs to watch out for:
1. Parent and child sleeping in the same bed.
2. A child actively defying his parent or using such inappropriate language as, “Oh please, you’re only saying that because he’s here. You know when we get home, you’re not going to follow through.”
3. A child referring to his parent as “cool.”
4. A child who behaves as though he is much more adultlike than is age appropriate, or uses language such as “those kids” when referring to peers.
5. Children saying their parents “let me get away with whatever I want.”
6. Children reporting their parents are easy to manipulate.
7. Parents reporting that they often need permission from their child.
8. Parents setting few or no limits or boundaries.
9. Parents wanting to have fun with their child but never imposing consequences for inappropriate behavior, lest they “ruin the time they spend together.”
10. Parents seeking advice and guidance from their child in such a way that places the child in the caretaker role.
Do you have a parentified child? Here are some ways to reestablish your authority.
If your child badgers you for more information, say, about what led to your divorce or how much money you make, simply tell her it’s not an appropriate topic of conversation.
If you normally go to your child for comfort after a bad day, or when you’re feeling lonely or depressed, make an effort to seek help and solace from someone outside the house—a friend, counselor, or family member.
Remember, also, that it’s perfectly okay to tell your child that you’ve made some parenting mistakes, but from here forward there will be new rules and limits. Be prepared for emotional pushback. If your child tells you you’re not cool anymore and you’re acting like a parent, accept this as a compliment!
* * * * *
David Swanson, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in children and teens suffering from ADHD, oppositional and defiant behavior, anxiety, depression, and social problems. His new book is Help! My Kid Is Driving Me Crazy: The 17 Ways Kids Manipulate Their Parents and What You Can Do About It (Perigee, Sept. 2009). You can learn more about him at www.DrDavidSwanson.com.
See Also:
Gentle Discipline for the Older Child
More Posts By Carrie:
- He Is a Natural Daddy
- Book Review: Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control
- Is It A Bad Idea To Tell Your Kids They’re Smart or Pretty?
Comments
2 Responses to “Are The Parent/Child Boundaries Blurred?”
Got something to say?
Great Post! Thanks for sharing this information. Too many parents try to be their child’s best friend and sometimes it doesn’t work out the way they would like especially children with oppositional defiant disorder. Those children need even more discipline.
When I was teaching, I would occasionally get a child who was “parentified.” Talk about discipline challenges! (b/c they thought I was going to give them everything they wanted, like their parents)
Most of the time, by the middle of the year the kid would be showing me more respect than their parents, b/c I made them to understand that I was their teacher, not their friend.
PS about co-sleeping issue: Our son–who has slept w/ us since birth–is almost three, and as such loves to test boundaries. However, usually one word from Mommy straightens him out, b/c I have been firm with him and established that I am the authority from the get-go.
I wish people would quit blaming co-sleeping and realize that it’s about how the parent handles the kids during waking hours.
And Carrie, I think it’s normal for kids around 10 to reach to a new level of pushing buttons. They’re at a stage where they wish they had more control over their lives. As long as you and DH continue to be firm, he’ll eventually come back ’round.